Psyche logo

If I Want to Move On...

Traveling with Depression: A Series

By Tabitha WhitePublished 3 years ago 5 min read
2

There were times in my childhood and teenage years when my parents were “absent.” They both left me at times when I was transitioning and when changes were occurring. I should say, it wasn't all bad. I have fond memories with both parents and I'm grateful for the ones I do have. It’s hard for me, having the relationship with them that I do now, to put aside the past and move forward when so much of me is still in pain and hurting. Even in private, only to myself, I find it hard to talk or write about things that bring up painful memories or that might paint my parents in a bad light. Writing this I am knots knowing they might read this and hear me speak my true thoughts. Something I've rarely done with them throughout my life.

In therapy on Thursday, I talked about this with my therapist and why it is that I have trouble with this subject. I think this is something deep within me from early childhood, because I can vividly remember not telling my parents when I was sexually assaulted at a young age, more than once. I’m not sure what triggered the need to protect my violators. I can only guess that I didn’t want to get in trouble too. But even at a young age I didn’t have the survival skills to protect myself.

I think I’ve always had trust issues and never put much faith in others. I believe I saw the ugly of this world at far too young an age. I have memories from elementary school, crying because I was going to my dad’s house, and my mom telling me terribly negative stories about him. My mom divorced my step-dad of nine years for a man she barely knew and then through herself into that relationship. My dad spent some time in jail, if not prison. All of this and more before I was fifteen. Along with the emotional and mental abuse that went on for years. All of my parents behaviors led me to believe that people can't be trusted.

I can still remember the feeling of leaving my childhood home and how unhappy I was to go. Times of being scared in a new house all by myself, with my younger sister to take care of. Self-harming again, telling fake stories of tripping over boxes, just hoping someone would see through and pay attention. I was fourteen and alone and scared. No mother and father and looking out for my best interest, barely involved with what was going on in my life. My dad was in the midst of cleaning up the aftermath of his mistakes, so he wasn't there for help and support. He might have swooped in and taken me off with him, but that boat didn't seem much better. And also, I was still only a kid. I may have been fourteen going on fifteen, but I was already too damaged to be strong enough for that kind of responsibility and make those decisions on my own.

All of which I hate to talk about because it hurts. It hurts that my parents didn’t love themselves enough to do better for themselves. For their kids. I’m not sure if either of my parents are happy now, though they always appear to be on the outside. But I think they are still hurting too, just like me. I think they need love just as much as the next person. No one is perfect, and I don’t claim to be. I’ve had my share of affairs and wrong doings. I’m no better just because I have set myself on a different path, and they are no worse if they haven’t found theirs yet.

This doesn’t change the fact that bad things happened in the past and I still have to muddle through with how to deal with that in the present. Especially since it is being brought up so frequently during therapy and impacts so many aspects of my life. He specifically asked me to write in my journal about the harder things and then bring it in to share. I told him that even when I’m writing in that diary, I am afraid to be honest because growing up those boundaries were repeatedly crossed. I want to move on though and be healthy.

I used to be so angry, so lost in the torment of being myself. Bringing it up in therapy and talking about it with others I'm close to, pushed those feelings and emotions up to the surface. Instead of trying to force them down like I always do, this time I am sorting through and trying to figure out those deep feelings and emotions and hopefully make sense of them. Most days I feel the anger and loneliness of that little girl who just needed someone to reach out and take care of her but every day I make progress towards making sense of that anger and pain and moving on.

It must taste so wonderful to walk out on any given day and be at peace with the world. So blissfully wonderful to know in your heart that you are secure in yourself. It is a dream of mine, one that has always seemed out of reach. Unobtainable. I see now that is something that I will have to continue to fight for every day until I get past what has happened to me and start living in the present for myself and my family. It’s a dream worth fighting for and I hope you’ll find one to fight for too!

There's hope. There's always hope, even when you can't see it. And there's a healing in talking about things, especially with those you still have a relationship with. My mom and I had that talk and we got on the other side of our issues, found a way to talk rationally through the problems we once had and it has made both of us stronger. There was no arguing or disagreeing, just two minds looking for peace. While it didn't magically solve all my problems either, it did help remind me that my parents were, and still are, only human and have had their own demons to deal with all along. We are all continually growing, please try to remember that. Even we ourselves are always changing and evolving, hopefully for the better, but we must remember, so is everyone else.

There's a lot in this post, so let me wrap up by saying thank you to everyone who has shown support not just now but over the years. Especially to my parents. They aren't perfect, but they are still mine, and I love them. Please reach out if you are self-harming, having suicidal thoughts, or just feel lost and alone. Whether you call a hot-line, speak with a counselor or close friend, or set your parent(s) down for a talk, open up and allow yourself to heal. Don't push and suppress your emotions and feelings. Allow them space so you can move on.

humanity
2

About the Creator

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.