If Anxiety Could Talk

Anxiety has troubled me my whole life, it is one of the reason’s I was so terrible in school, actually throughout my whole life.

So, I only think it would be right to make a joke out of the very thing that has caused most of my suffering. And if any of you also deal with anxiety like myself, then you can probably relate to this whole article.

I hope it makes you giggle or at least smile, just as long as it makes you feel some type of way. I find that sometimes using humor can help when dealing with your mental health, which is why I wrote this piece. So, I hope you enjoy reading this.

A friend texts me:

Hey, do you want to go out to dinner tonight?

Anxiety:

Wait, whoa. Tell them no right now.

Me:

Why?

Anxiety:

Because next week we have plans.

Me:

Those plans are a week away.

Anxiety:

There’s too much going on and if we go out tonight, we won’t be prepared for next week’s plans. We need to have a break tonight.

Me:

But we have not gone out for months.

Anxiety:

It is all too much!

Me:

Okay, fine we will stay home tonight.

________________________________________

Me, casually walking down the street

Anxiety:

Those kids are laughing at you.

Me:

No, I don’t think they are.

Anxiety:

Trust me, they are. I can feel it, I am psychic.

Me:

Wait, are they?

Anxiety:

Yes, it is so obvious. Duh.

Me:

Oh, my god! I think you’re right.

Anxiety:

Take me home.

________________________________________

A stranger passing by says hello

Me:

Hi.

Anxiety:

That was rude.

Me:

Who, me? How?

Anxiety:

You didn’t smile at them properly.

Me:

What?

Anxiety:

They think you’re rude.

Me:

I don’t-

Anxiety:

You don’t smell weird, do you?

Me:

What, no?

Anxiety:

Then why did they look at you like that?

I spend the rest of the day overthinking that one interaction.

________________________________________

Someone knocks at the door

Anxiety:

Well, this is the end.

Me:

What do you mean?

Anxiety:

The government is coming to take us away for googling the Bermuda triangle.

Me:

Actually I think it’s just the postman.

Anxiety:

Nope, trust me, it's not.

They knock again

I go to answer the door

Anxiety:

Wait!

Me:

It’s not the government, I promise.

Anxiety:

I know that but I bet it's someone trying to sell something. Definitely don’t answer it now. How would you get out of that awkward situation? They’re always so hard to say no to.

Me:

Wow, that’s true. Okay, I’m not answering it.

Anxiety:

You have to.

Me:

Wait, what? But you just said-

Anxiety:

They know you’re home, it’s too late to hide. Answer the door. Quick!

Me:

Okay!

Anxiety:

OH, MY GOD! YOU’RE MAKING THEM WAIT TO LONG, THIS IS GOING TO BE SO AWKWARD. AHHH!

Me:

AHHH!

________________________________________

I go to leave the house

Anxiety:

Do you have your keys?

Me:

Yes

Anxiety:

Are you sure?

Me:

Yes

Anxiety:

Do the keys work?

Me:

Yes.

Anxiety:

But what if today is the day they don’t work.

Me:

…

Anxiety:

You should have left the window unlocked.

Me:

Okay, I’ll go back and do that.

I unlock the window and leave the house again

Anxiety:

What if someone breaks in though?

Me:

Okay, that’s it. We’re staying home

Anxiety:

Yay.

________________________________________

I’m in bed on the verge of falling asleep

Anxiety:

Whoa, wait. Wake up!

Me:

Why? What’s wrong?

Anxiety:

Remember that one time when you -

Me:

Don’t say it!

Anxiety:

But it’s so weird and embarrassing

Me:

Stop

Anxiety:

Fine, I just hope it never happens again because that would be really embarrassing.

Me:

Spends the rest of my life avoiding similar situations so the embarrassing thing doesn't happen ever again.