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I've Seen Paradise

by KrissyReigns 5 months ago in recovery

A Second Chance

The color yellow is warm, yet bright like paradise

It was my last night in the crazy house.

No more white walls.

No more thick, solid windows.

I would be free. or at least I think I'll be.

I had spent the last seven days of my life in a mental behavioral unit. Before my fall from grace, when I was normal, I made fun of places like this. I read and saw them in stories. The mentally unstable person would be dragged down the hall shrieking like a maniac while the nurses held them down and injected them with medicine.

I could no longer make fun or be uncomfortable about the mental ward. I have lived it, seen others living it, and have rescued myself from the power of an irrational mind trying to conquer. My thoughts raced as I turn over to my right; there was a long thick window in my room. The view of the faraway buildings and all their lights excited me. That was the world. That was my world. It was the world that had kept going without me for a while. I smile crookedly, my lips are dry, and I feel weak, but my smile sends electricity to my heart. I was being given another chance.

Another chance at what exactly?

I suppose another chance to be strong.

I breathe and let my mind relax for a moment. Something I had learned while I was here was to not overthink and stress myself out. I cannot solve everything in one sitting. I was only one person with one mind, one body, and one heart. I sat awake in the dark staring at the white ceiling. My eyes flick to the door, which was always slightly open. We were not allowed to shut the doors, the nurses always needed access to the rooms. At first, I despised them for invading my privacy, but I have adjusted. It reminded me of when I was little and afraid of the dark. My parents would peek in to see me sleeping safe and sound.

I look across from where I am laying to the bathroom. Our room bathroom doors had loft doors. You just pushed the soft cushion, and it would let you in. My loft had a beautiful photo of yellow marigolds. They appeared to be in a meadow and the sun gleamed down on them. Every night, before I went to sleep, I envisioned myself walking amongst the flowers wearing a beautiful dress. It blows in the wind and my hair flies in front of my face. I dream of it as if someone is following me through the field with a camera. That person would be me. I was protected in that field of marigolds. I was healthy in body and spirit.

Tonight would be my last time looking at the beautiful photo. It had given me hope for my future. I was going to be alright. I've realized that I may be free of the mental ward, but I will never be free of myself. Since I am stuck with myself forever, being healthy in the mind is imperative for happiness.

I smile and admire the field of marigolds again. It was like watching television or playing Candy Crush on my phone. Television and phones were not allowed much at the hospital, so I found so much entertainment watching all the yellow flowers. Yellow is warm and friendly; a bright color that coats the heart and makes one feel alive. Alive once again. I have been given another chance to live in the world of lights, trees, and so many people. Bad people. Good people. Everyone. I had forgotten what it felt like to be a true human, but I was determined to find that again.

I know that I will come across a bumpy dark road again, but when I do, I will be ready.

I will walk through the field of yellow-golden flowers to an everlasting path of health and growth.

This was the place that showed me love, kindness, and power.

This was the place promised to me.

This was paradise.

The End




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