I've Been Dealing With Anxiety

I’m not sure it was noticeable because I haven’t been on here as long, but I’ve definitely been absent from Vocal Media for a while (outside of republishing my Medium stories earlier).

In all fairness, I’ve also been MIA on MyLot and Medium, and I’ve barely updated the fan blog I run for my favorite band for fun.

I’m about to open up to all of you, but I trust you’re all a supportive bunch.

Where have I been during my time away from these platforms? How could I not update a blog that I run for fun? I was preoccupied because anxiety decided to rear its ugly head back into my life.

I was officially diagnosed with anxiety back in 2011, after dealing with constantly feeling anxious and crying daily, and I’ve been on medication (Sertraline) since then. For the most part, my anxiety has been manageable. Unfortunately, I’ve had some disruptions in my life that contributed to my anxiety returning to the way it was in 2011.

One difference between the last time I dealt with anxiety this bad and the anxiety I’ve dealt with over the last few weeks? My parents are no longer with us. I lost my Dad in 2013 and my Mom in 2021, so that extra layer of support was gone this time around. Now, don’t get me wrong, I do have a support system. But even in my late-30s, navigating the world without my parents can be hard sometimes.

But yeah, 10 out of 10 don’t recommend anxiety. Ugh.

My Anxiety Nearly Became Cripping

For several weeks, which felt like an eternity, I was waking up anxious. There were times when I’d have crying spells, and I never wanted to be alone because it was more comforting to be around my loved ones. The constant anxiety was also causing me to feel depressed.

It had finally gotten to the point where I spent 2–3 days barely eating or sleeping. I had three crying spells in one day (at one point, asking what was wrong with me), and I was planted on the couch. Now, I did get out of the house when I could because it was one of the few things that helped to calm me just a little bit. Not necessarily driving anywhere, but just walking to the store or heading to the park helped.

But that week of barely eating and sleeping, I was waking up in the middle of the night and morning to my heart absolutely pounding, and it was awful. Just like in 2011, I was starting to think I’d never feel better again. Yes, I did eventually feel bad, but you don’t always think about that when you’re anxiety is through the roof.

Putting Two and Two Together

Back in November, my anxiety started becoming more frequent. It was still somewhat manageable, so I figured I just needed my dosage increased, which I talked to my general practitioner about in January. But as you can probably tell, my anxiety gradually got worse.

Now, I’m sure the disruptions in my life (i.e., work-related situations) and dealing with it without my parents were huge contributors to my anxiety. There were a few situations that I can say definitely triggered something for me. However, after doing a little reading online, I also put two and two together on another contributor — my anxiety medication was no longer working as it should’ve been.

I’ve been on the same medication for over a decade, so it’s not uncommon to build up a tolerance, and this was a sign I didn’t see back in November. I finally realized that it was time to move on from Sertraline. Now, please keep in mind, we’re all different. Just because it stopped working for me doesn’t mean that’ll happen to you.

Changing My Medication

I’ve been in therapy since a few months after my Mom passed, and I had been doing well, but we decided to go back to once a week.

Additionally, I contacted my general practitioner about a medication change, and I was started on Lexapro while weaning off of Sertraline (which I’m off now). However, he wanted me to see an actual psychiatrist as well.

I found a psychiatrist the week I hadn’t been eating or sleeping well on Zocdoc. He had positive reviews, took my insurance, and had openings that day, so I booked a virtual appointment and waited for what seemed like forever to talk to him about what was going on (I booked the appointment later in the day in case I needed a referral, which I didn’t).

He was really nice and had a concerned reaction when I told him I hadn’t been sleeping or eating well. When I mentioned waking up with a pounding heart, he confirmed that I had been having panic attacks.

Oh wow, it never occurred to me that I was having panic attacks.

He agreed with my doctor about the Lexapro, and he prescribed something to take as needed during the first few weeks (as Lexapro can increase your anxiety during the first few weeks). It’s a low dose, which is fine by me.

He was also optimistic that I was going to do well, and my therapist is confident that I’m going to get passed this as well.

Slowly Becoming Myself Again

I’m on week three of Lexapro, and I’ve had mild physical side effects (but only during the first week). I feel like I’m slowly becoming myself again. I’m finding joy in certain things again. I’ve been able to take on certain tasks. I haven’t quite made it back to my usual routine, but I’m getting there.

I’ve still had morning anxiety, but I noticed this week that it’s not lasting as long, so I definitely think I’m starting to improve.

Practicing More Self-Care

I’m also learning to practice more self-care. While I’m still trying to take care of some work-related tasks, I’m also giving myself to focus on stuff besides my freelance writing. Basically, get out of the “write or die” mindset and improve my work-life balance. I’ve been reading more, going for walks, and learning Animal Crossing, just to name a few.

Please Take Care of Your Mental Health

Your mental health is so precious. It’s not easy to work toward your goals when your brain is telling you all hope is lost, and it’s hard to get off the couch when you just want to curl up and cry.

So please, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, reach out for help as soon as possible. You don’t have to wait until you’re feeling at your lowest.

Take care of yourselves. You deserve to relax and feel happier, and you deserve to have a clear mind. *Insert A Heart Emoji Here*

Disclaimer: I published the original version of this story on another platform (but I changed the oppening slightly to fit Vocal Media). You can find the link to the original version here: https://medium.com/@tammys_85/where-have-i-been-ive-been-dealing-with-anxiety-cf44f189c3ae