I've been called a liar for 7 years....
But the nightmares remind me of the truth...
Readers discretion.... There can be some triggering stuff in here. Sexual assault..
For seven years, I've been called a liar... Made to feel like I asked for what happened to me that night. Everyone listened to him. Looked at me with skepticism. To this day I am just trash to people that were supposed to be "family" to me at the time, A marriage ruined because of a night that I didn't want. Still having this accusing attitude toward me, but telling me he believes me. Not that it should matter, he's the failed marriage. I really shouldn't care, but it stills hurts... I am such a different person now, because of what happened. People don't change like this for no reason... I miss the old me...
Falsely accusing someone will ruin their life, why would I just want to ruin someones life? I didn't have the greatest childhood either... I know what happened to me... How dare anyone question me? He came up with the dumbest lies. I don't do construction, and I never have. And there are supposed text messages of me asking for that. How did he turn this around on me? How did the worst day of my life become my fault?
The following years living with a man that doesn't believe you, and you're head over heels in love with him. Giving him you're everything, to slowly watch him pull away from you, because you aren't the girl he fell in love with. Life had changed me, I wasn't that bubbly girl anymore. I wasn't the adventurous type anymore. I wanted to just feel safe in my own home. It was taken from me. I felt that he resented me, that he didn't love me or look at me the same.
It has been seven years, and it still hurts like it happened 2 hours ago, and I'm crying in my van with my best friend, at the time. She was doing her best to try and make me feel better. Nothing could make it better, my life felt like it just crumbled around me, it just ended. And it did....
He was so upset with me for the following months, I didn't want to be touched, I didn't want to have intercourse, and I didn't want him to see me naked. I couldn't bare for him to see my disgusting damaged body. He didn't seem to understand no matter how many times I told him it didn't have anything to do with him.... I just felt disgusting, I wasn't good enough for him, anymore... It just led to so many intense fights and arguments. We started falling apart immediately after it happened.
Right before the first anniversary, I ended up in a psychiatrists office. I had completely lost it. I was literally trying to go after my husband, when we got into fights... I was just going what some might say quite literally crazy. That didn't last long, the medication made me a zombie. No one around me liked what I was on the medication , so I came off of it. I was okay for a couple of months, then the anniversary of the first year came.
That was as bad few months, I leaned on drugs and alcohol to mask the pain of the day coming. I relived every moment, I couldn't sleep that night. When the time it happened came along, I just cried, and cried. My best friend and husband just held me.
Two years later, I tried to commit suicide. Our problems had gotten worse, I still wasn't handling that day very well, he was pulling away from me. His attention was being kept by another woman. I, too, started to pull away shortly after. We both made some mistakes during this time, but as things just kept getting worse, I couldn't take it anymore. I drove myself to a dam, where I was going to jump....saved by my best friends, at the time. I thank them every day for saving me.... I was 6-8 weeks pregnant.
He left me when our twins turned two months old, right before I had to face the next year. Having children changes your whole perspective. I knew I had to be okay for them, so I got into counseling, and my doctor got me on anxiety and depression medication.
I'm still not okay.... It is an every day fight to be okay. I work so hard every single day to be a good mom, and there are days I feel like I'm rocking it, and some days I feel like I could do this or that differently. And I question everything I did all day.
Two weeks of nightmares. I haven't slept right, reoccurring dreams.... I just want to be okay. I want to feel better, I want to forget, and pretend it never happened. I'm working on taking back my power. I'm not a victim, some days my head wants to tell me I am, but I'm not. I'm here today, to tell whatever part of my story I'm ready to tell. I'm strong, and I will remind myself of this every day, and any other person that has been through any kind of assault.
I am in a much healthier relationship, now. One that takes the time to care, and understand why I am the way I am. He just wants me to be happy, and he helps me every day to just try and be happy. I have my bad days, and he just wraps his arms around me, and just let's me cry, scream, whatever I need. He's compassionate, and an amazing dad to my kids. He doesn't let me walk this road alone.
I'm beyond grateful for my family, if it wasn't for them the little bit of okay that I am I wouldn't be. Every day the 3 of them give me hope, and strength to keep working towards being a better me, and working past what I can.
Thank you for reading my lengthy life story... just somethings I have needed to get out..