I Took a 4-day Break in the Middle of Another Lockdown

Let us admit it; this has been hard.

I have spent this entire lockdown (two months in my case), anxious with the feeling that I am not doing enough.

My mental health is at an all-time low, and I have been struggling with simple things since day one. I have to push myself harder every day. I find it increasingly difficult to get out of bed, and I often find myself wondering, is there a point to anything anymore?

I have been doing less: Less than before, less than everyone else, and less than I need to reassure myself that everything is okay.

I am an introvert, I live with my partner, and I work from home; my life has barely changed. The similarities are uncanny, (I have loved the introvert-quarantine memes). I am blessed not to be affected financially or in any other significant way due to this pandemic.

Then, why aren’t I working more?

Why haven’t I baked some banana bread?

Why am I having difficulty doing regular, day to day tasks?

Despite my best efforts, these difficulties persisted. I aimed to do more, I tried to be okay with doing less, I attempted to calm myself down, and stay in the moment, but nothing worked. I didn’t stop either; I kept trying. How could I, right?

Inevitably, things came crashing down. This experience is typical for me; the more I try to control life, the more it pushes back. Against my better judgment, whenever I exert myself beyond a certain point, I experience a total shut down.

My unconscious mind and body come together and not so gently inform me that my days of control are gone; they are taking over now.

In the next few days, I really could not do anything. Panic, fear, and crippling anxiety held me down, and my head would only stop spinning when I lied in my bed. I would give up around 6 pm and think that today is lost, let me rest, and I shall try again tomorrow.

Alas, tomorrow never came, and the same pattern kept repeating.

On the fifth day, I finally took my partner’s advice and decided to take a conscious, complete break. Yes, I did the unthinkable; I took a 4-day break in the middle of lockdown. It was a done deal; I wasn’t going to do anything for this period and allow myself to heal.

My partner took over all the household responsibilities, and at times we got takeout from local restaurants. All I had to do was lie down with my comfy blanket, eat snacks, and watch shows on Netflix.

The break worked. I calmed down, processed my thoughts, and came out of it with a newfound determination. I jumped right back into my life and hit the ground running. I started working productively, caught up with my share of household chores, and completed my pending personal tasks. I was finally able to do more, but not so surprisingly, it still wasn’t enough.

I decided to take a pause and write down my learnings from this period. I wanted to take a moment and give myself credit for coming out of this mess. I wished to internalize my learnings and realizations so that I could affirm myself with them daily.

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1. I need to fight self-doubt with 2x ferocity:

Ah, self-doubt, my old friend, not a day goes by when it doesn’t visit me. But during this period, for some reason, it has been more persistent.

Maybe it was brought on by the empty calories I eat every night, or perhaps it was due to this feeling of continued uncertainty, or because I was spinning out of control. I couldn’t determine the exact cause, but it was more massive than ever, and it was eating me up inside.

I had misread this phenomenon and quickly determined that more doubt indicates that something is wrong. I believed it to be accurate and reprimanded myself for not doing what I was supposed to do. I let everything get to me.

During the Quarantine inspo phase, I told myself, do you see this? People are doing full-on home improvement projects, and you cannot keep up with your daily routine.

When people started talking about slowing down, I told myself that yeah, that sounds about right. But don’t kid yourself, they are doing so after being fired up and productive. They might be taking a few breaks, but no one is okay with doing nothing, like you.

I realized much later that more self-doubt doesn’t mean anything; it’s just what it is, a demon that needs to be defeated. And if I wanted to be in control, I needed to fight it with double the amount of ferociousness. I reminded myself of previous (inward) journeys, which had unequivocally proven that doubt doesn’t help me in any way; it just drags me down.

What would I have done in a similar situation before?

I wouldn’t have spared more than a few moments of thought on it. If someone posts a cooking video, it’s entirely their choice, and good for them, if they can cook a gourmet dish.

Maybe they are that productive; maybe their mental health is okay, or perhaps posting this video is bringing them a small moment of peace and sanity. I can never know. Everyone is traveling on their path, and leading life according to their terms, as they should.

The differences that make us unique can often lead to different choices of behavior and actions. And It was my choice not to follow suit.

I had a simple problem to solve; I needed to fight my self-doubt better. I have to diminish my inner critic. I need to tell myself that I am going to be okay; I could set up an hourly mental reminder for this.

Sometimes I could be gentle; sometimes, I needed to be blunt. So what if everyone has already shared many well-written articles about this crisis, and I haven’t. I will get mine out, too, someday.

“If you hear a voice within you say you cannot paint, then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced.”― Vincent Willem van Gogh

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2. My problems matter:

Throughout this time, I have also been an emotional wreck. I was vulnerable and unable to distance myself from what I was seeing. I felt surges of pain rising in my mind.

My heart went out to the abandoned animals, people stranded without hope in different parts of the world, the frontline workers working tirelessly without proper equipment, to those filing for unemployment. And of course, there was the death. It was simply too much for me.

Next came guilt. Intense remorse that comes from privilege, of not being directly affected by the pandemic. My problems looked so minuscule in front of others.

How could I complain about the fact that my household chores have increased? Or that my online grocery service is unable to deliver goods.That I am finding reading the news very painful, and these emotions are weighing on me. I couldn’t.

Well, soon enough, I realized the hard way that I needed to accept my problems. They may seem small from a wider lens, but in the scope of my mind, they are real, and they are going to continue to exist, till I do something about them.

I needed to allow myself to feel them. This juncture was a critical time to show me some love. I needed to assure myself that my struggle matters. And only then could I embark on my road to recovery.

All of us are struggling, we don’t know what lies ahead, and that scares the shit out of us. Let us take a moment to admit that. Yes, there are people with much bigger problems; there will always be.

How much ever compassion, and respect we feel for them, it is not going to nullify our issues somehow. We need to acknowledge them for ourselves because no one else is going to.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” ― Reinhold Niebuhr

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3. It is okay to do less, during the lockdown:

I had plans for this year. I’m turning 30 soon, and this was going to be that crucial time, wherein I make many life-altering changes.

My writing career would grow its roots; I would finally be able to maintain a healthy lifestyle, get on top of my to-do list, and then take a well-deserved trip. Alas, in a matter of a few weeks, all of that changed for me.

This crisis hit me hard, from the get-go, and I saw my goals moving further and further away.

I knew what I was feeling from day one and that I needed to take it easy. Thus, I decided not to push myself to change/grow for the time being. I would focus on the present and consistently follow my everyday routine.

In the back of my mind, I knew what this really meant. Few weeks of not pushing myself were going to be like a break, I will lose myself in the humdrum of daily life, and soon I will be able to do more. But, in reality, the normal or average of the past was hard to achieve in the present.

Why? Because things aren’t normal, are they?

Imagine yourself walking on an average day, and on a good day, you run. But now weights are attached to your back, the combined burden of anxiety, pain, uncertainty, losing control, fear, and more.

This weight will hold you back, and as it increases, you will have to put more effort into pulling it. You may not be able to match your previous pace on many days, and that is okay because you are trying.

This analogy helped me correct my perspective. I needed to define a new reality for myself, taking everything that I am going through into consideration. Any method that has worked for me in the past wasn’t necessarily going to be applicable now.

This time is different; it’s unprecedented. It is okay to let ourselves off the hook for not being able to function as if everything is fine. I need to repeatedly tell myself that it is okay to do less during the lockdown.

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In these uncertain times, let us make one thing certain that we are going to be there for ourselves. Protecting our mental health is of vital importance.

Caring for ourselves is essential, and no harm could come from a little self-love. Let us take a moment to appreciate the fact that in the face of mortal danger, we are trying, we are fighting, and we are not going to give up.

Everything else can wait.

“The way we can allow ourselves to do what we need to, no matter what others may say or do, is to choose love and defy fear.” — Martha Beck

In moments of severe doubt, I ask myself, what scares me the most? That my life is not in my control? That it may end soon?

And I remind myself that if indeed the future is bleak and my time on this planet is limited, let me spend this time by being kind to myself.

I need to allow myself to feel happy; I need to love and be loved, and please let me feel hope.