I Thought I Knew

IDENTIFYING WITH MY CHILDHOOD

I didn’t know much until now.

I found myself in a world of self discovery far beyond the textbook definition that I had expectations of. Unfair expectations that when I became a woman someday I would be stable, all knowing like my parents. But I’ve come to figure out what every adult in the world has had a taste of and that’s that my parents are not made out of iron. If you’ve already come to this discovery, you’re probably thinking, “welcome to the club,” but I’m just shell shocked.

In this time of self awareness as you'll hear me speak of, I’ve uncovered some really interesting and incredible things that I would never have expected of myself. I realize finally that I really am smart like I’ve been told I was in childhood. When I was small, I was told that I was smart but I never took the time to actually acknowledge it and appreciate it. It felt wrong to feel beyond average most of my young unlived life. I felt like I stuck out, and I did. I’m early, yet so late in taking notice of all that I have done with my life as my own entity and I’m not stopping here. I feel a pure happiness in my heart that I am just now looking in the mirror and seeing myself. My soul. The part of me that, unlike age, has never changed. Even though this experience is grand, my heart can't help but ache.

Early on, my first year of adulthood away from my family I am being shown these far reaching things that reside untouched within me. I’ve surrounded myself with people who aren't afraid to ask me the hard questions about what happened in my life. People who have studied their own mannerisms enough to understand themselves like the back of their own hand, but incredibly still on a larger path. In these unusual talks, what I thought were dreams are slowly becoming memories and it all makes sense. The fights in the family (like most families), why I felt like others didn’t know me like I did, why I felt like my family knew things about me that I didn’t. I hadn't taken the time to process the things I went through and felt during my childhood because those things just weren’t something that we as a family would ever address.

In the book, “Thoughts Without a Thinker” by Mark Epstein M.D. I learned a lot about the effects of childhood trauma and how it affects the mind later in life when we begin to take on our own individual characteristics and challenges.

THE BEGINNING

In your purest stages of youth, you are learning so much and yet there is so much we don’t see or understand because we just haven’t developed that sense of awareness. We haven’t experienced enough in the world yet and our brains are still growing. I was born of a 15 year old mother (and a fantastic mother for being a child raising a child), and that alone had its consequences on both of our psyches. Because my mother was so young, she too didn't get enough time to develop clearly and slowly. One moment she was a young child, the next, a mother of an anxiety born baby.

In this process long before my step dad, I became my mother’s best friend. It was almost as if we had each other’s back, we were each other’s company. It wasn’t easy on either of our parts at the end of the day because today I have communication issues that remain unresolved because my parents never knew how to deal with them personally. When a conversation got difficult or uncomfortable everyone was seemingly too afraid to get through and resolve the issue with me. I would later act out on the bottling confusion that arose in me later in life. There were so many things I didn't understand and I felt like I could howl murderous screams and nobody would dare come search for me.

I don’t truly blame any of my parents for not knowing the extent of the impact of these things. I am forgiving because, as their first of few children, I was a trial and error for my younger siblings, but I’m now needing to take myself to the next level in the healing process in hopes that I can give the same in return whether that's for my parent's sake, or my sibling's sake. To not repeat parts of history that cause demolition.

SELF SYMBOLISM

Lately I’ve also come to the realization that I have a fear of rejection and a stress problem because I was aware of my father’s absence in my young life. Despite having a stepfather who loved me since the age of 3, and despite truly believing that my dented relationship with my birth father didn’t bother me, it still affected my actions and emotions unknowingly.

A lot of my past relationships including a young relationship I endured for around two years were difficult for me to participate in because I was trying to fill a void from the past I didn’t know I had. I now know that in those times, I felt the need to have a boy around to love me in ways I didn't know I was lacking. I’m in the process of healing that wound.

Upon studying myself as well, I notice that whenever a conversation gets hard with others I tend to shut down. My parents (although wonderful again) have a hard time talking about things that are hard. Even if it truly was difficult, beyond being a teenager, I sincerely felt like I needed them to help me figure out what I’m feeling because I don’t have the knowledge to express myself the way I truly feeling inside. My parents would get nervous or stressed and everything that went on most of the time was swept under the rug in a sense. Again, I don’t blame my parents because they were just doing what they knew they could. I forgive my parents because just like me, they are human… and my problems were difficult.

DREAMS?

There are many things that I used to classify as being, “dreams” that have been showing up more often. I was always curious as to why I felt ashamed of my body. Why I didn’t want intimacy and why I attracted careless young men who only saw me as an object. I am suspicious of this one distant dream-like memory I’ve been having lately. A dark silhouette that stood at the door of my dark room, backlit by a hall light. My bed was in the corner of the room. I remember not being familiar with this tall male figure and feeling a hum of fear take over my little four year old heart… and it ends. I have no memory of anything else. And ever since then, I haven’t felt anything like that.

As children, because you don’t yet have the tools to process a feeling or situation, we often if not always suppress the memory to avoid stress. It’s like your young mind’s self defense. That is why you feel nostalgia. It’s like it only existed in a dream. I’ve been realizing many instances like this recently and that has been without therapy (yet).

FINDING MY TRUTH

While I’ve taken my time to experience my truth, I am battling the reality that my life growing up had its beauty, but also its pain. Also it’s secrets.

My heart has been so heavy and my mind has been a rotting cell for the last many years. I was always aware that there was something missing in me, and while feeling like I actually was aware, I wasn’t aware at all. I was believing that I was the cause of my family's head butting… that it wasn’t okay for me to recognize and be proud of my over achievements. Instead, I fight against modesty when I’m good at something because my academic achievements seemed to cause a stir in the household. That’s truly what I believed. I felt like an outcast. Like a loser, but also a leader?

It is so important for a child to feel safe during these stages. There are certain things that a child should not hear, that shouldn’t be seen… that shouldn’t have been done. There are certain things you tell a child, and there are other things that you just don’t. These things are important for what the child might have to deal with. Granted things happen inevitably that you as a parent cannot control and it’s a difficult reality, but there are things that you can prevent.

PARENTS

I have yet to have children and I won’t be having children for a few years preferably, but I can give you advice as a child who is now seeing my life as a child beyond the rainbows I remember and acting to activate plowed trauma that I’ve suppressed and stayed quiet about all this time.

Be honest with your children. Parents, I cannot stress this enough. I understand that there are some things that you shouldn’t tell your six year old, but when there is something to be said, talk about it with your child. DO NOT leave red flags and tough situations unresolved for your child to deal with on their own later. Lots of children will not be able to process it well enough, and in many cases grow up to be depressed, confused and dare I say, suicidal.

Do not ask your children to keep a secret for you. If your child is realizing something big that you’ve been hiding, do not put the weight of your lie onto that child. You may think that it’ll be fine, but the weight of a lie onto a young child (especially if it is never resolved or talked about) can carry into their adulthood with so much frustration and anger. To this day I am not allowed to talk about these secrets I’ve learned all on my own, and I’ve been crying about it from time to time since I was around twelve. (I may not disclose until further notice, but it’s for truth and education sake that I share this.) Your children should not have to be responsible for your own stability.

If your child tells you something that is uncomfortable or concerning, even if you have a hard time with those kinds of things, this is your child and your child needs your help. YOU are the example that they get to live by. YOU are the one they look to for help and guidance. If you are unable to sit down with your own child and ask them the hard questions and offer your true wanting assistance, or gain a professional’s assistance, then there is work in yourself that you need to seek out as well.

Get your child HELP. Within the last week, I had gained an unfortunate piece of information from someone about a situation that happened to her. She shows clear signs of trauma from this horrible experience she had, yet she is completely unaware and unable to identify with them. The reason she has no clue how to help herself is because everyone tucked the situation under the rug, never to be spoken of… and while keeping secrets again, they made the mistake of not getting her HELP. Now as an adult, she lives in her own reality unable to make the distinctions from these traumatic situations that were underlying and unaddressed. I boiled to a temperature with how upsetting it was to learn that she is the way she is because of this horrible thing that happened to her and that her parents neglected to talk to her about or put her in therapy for. She is in a state of blissful ignorance.

Therapy is not a shameful thing. There are lots of stigmas about therapy out there made by the opinion of those who; 1. Have never been to a therapy session, 2. Had a bad therapy session, or 3. Had a bad experience with therapy suggested medication. It is unfair to deprive a child or anyone for that matter of therapy for these things. Therapy would be good for anyone on the path of self discovery, but we’re all too afraid to dive deep into ourselves because of these inaccurate stigmas about what therapy is. Get yourself; your child into therapy.

We are human. We don’t yet know that as children, but I promise we do in adulthood. We don’t hate you for it at all, no, we see you as equals in the way that we do as we know. If you want the best for your child, keep talking to them. Learn about them, be open minded. Get them help, love them, say kind and encouraging things to them, and we will greatly appreciate that along the way.

KEEP DIGGING DEEPER

For those out there who are currently going through what I’m going through on this incredible path of self discovery, know this; you are heading exactly where you should when you pay attention to yourself. Maybe you haven’t found the answers yet, maybe you have and just don’t know where to go with all this heaviness, I know. I can only imagine your own personal struggle in this. You should know that you’re brave for wanting to know more...for questioning, for sticking out, for speaking up. You are the difference in the world when you fight to become, well, you.

It’s a tough world, but it’s a little less tough when we know our own tactics. Don’t be afraid to see into a therapist. Talk to your friends about the feelings and thoughts you’re having. You may have gone through something scary or harmful and you’re bottling it up. Go tell someone you trust. It IS hard, and that’s okay. It takes time. Go with your own flow, and never for a second doubt your own intuition. If you recall it, ask the questions. Demand the answer. You're in charge now.

“Leap, and the net will appear.” - John Burroughs