I Think I'm Dying

by Kristen .B 6 months ago in depression

Tell me what you think.

I Think I'm Dying

I Think I’m Dying Part 1:

I never talk about my feelings or mention how empty I feel out loud so I guess I’ll write about it.

I'm not going to give away any real personal information about my true identity, but lets just say my name is Rosanna. And I think I'm dying.

I mean physically I'm fine, healthy or whatever but mentally, emotionally I'm very, very sick. Whatever I do I just cant stop feeling like I'm my worst enemy.

Like I'm slowly subconsciously killing myself. I think I need help.

But I think the only person who can help me is me,

Which is a lot more difficult than it may sound.

I try to keep myself as busy as possible to avoid the depressing thoughts from creeping up on me. And up until recently that would work.

It's like the thoughts are moths and I am the flame.

They are drawn to me.

Fortunately for me.

I Think I’m Dying Part 2:

The worst thing about being self destructive is everything.

Especially when everyone around you has such high expectations of you and tell you how much potential you have and how beautiful you are blah, blah, fucking blah.

If only they knew,

I think I’m dying.

It’s like they’re not allowing the option for me to be depressed, like I have no reason to be. Well, sorry if I can’t stop myself from feeling like shit 24/7, my sincere apologies.

Like, excuse me for feeling like a genuine failure and feeling like nothing good can come of me.

What is my reason for being here? What is my reason for being born.

I hope I'm not coming off suicidal because I'm not. Like a wise man once said, ‘Committing suicide doesn't get rid of the pain your'e only moving it'.

Bad times don't last forever , that's another positive to focus on, I guess.

I Think I'm Dying Part 3:

'There is a space in the heart that will never be filled, a space.

We will know it more than ever.

There is a place in the heart that will never be filled and we will wait and wait in that space.'

A quote from one of my favourite films from a book by Charles Bukowski.

I think I'll be waiting in that space until the day I die.

Unless someone comes along and helps me fill it.

I'll be waiting.

The older I get the more shit I feel, and everyone says 'you're young you've got time.' But what is time other than a ticking clock. Every minute counts, right?

Of course I spend every other minute of the day feeling sorry for myself and wondering why I am the way I am. If I feel this way now, who's to say I wont feel the same way in 10 years? Matter fact 20 years.

Time is nothing the same way that it is everything.

I have a fear of being like my Dad.

No, wait.

I have a fear that I am already like my Dad.

So full of capability and destined to fail.

My dad is not a bad person, he just does bad things.

Bad things happened to him as a child and he wasn't able to overcome them with doing good, so he did bad which was all he knew.

He is very selfish.

And my Mother is very immature.

I try to be neither.

And I'm sorry if I have been, I'm trying to change.

I want to be free of myself.

Free of my thoughts, free of my overthinking, just free.

I guess It's not that easy when you think you're dying.

I Think I'm Dying Part 4:

I wonder will anyone ever want to deal with me, and I don't mean the sweet, funny confident me,

The me who has long silky brown hair and a pair of dark brown chestnut eyes to match, which goes along with my soft brown skin, good dress sense and enlightening smile.

Which is who I am when I'm not letting my depression get the best of me.

Someone who will deal with the sick, miserable, confused girl I usually am with my hair in two unflattering braids and tears always running down my face past my rather dark under eye circles, waiting for this overwhelming sense of pain to disappear.

That girl.

They deal with me, not because they feel like they have to, if they don't they'll be a bad person, but because they want to. Why ?

Because they are truly, utterly and completely in love with me.

Despite my flaws,

And of course the fact that I think I’m dying.

depression
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Kristen .B

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