I Think I'll Stay in Bed Today

All the time I still wish I was little again. So unaware of the hurting world, and so focused on making sure I was good for my mom and dad. And then my mom and dad got separated, and everything changed. I felt this change in me and the change never went away. It's still here.

I woke up this morning after a nightmare, already anxious and not wanting to start the day. "Stay in bed," it told me, and I almost considered it. I wasn't awake for five minutes, and I was already tired.

I live a tired existence. I choose to spend time alone when I know I should be spending time with others. I would be looked at with judging eyes, if I left my room. That's what it told me.

I dragged myself out of bed, and pulled on my sweatpants. It was 5:30, and still dark out. I walked across my rug to the door and pulled it open. I felt a wave of nausea hit me, from a mix of need for sleep and from the mess of things that cluttered the kitchen table. "They need to clean up their sh*t," it told me, even though I tried to give my roommates the benefit of the doubt.

I walked across the cold, wood floor to the bathroom sink. I turned on the light and I stared at my tired eyes in the mirror as I pulled my hair into a pony tail and brushed my teeth. "You look terrible, you have bags under your eyes, take care of yourself," it told me, as I walked back to my room and shoved my things in my bag. I started walking to work, eagerly awaiting the end of my shift so I could go back to my bed and take a nap.

I walked home from work, and I could feel it telling me all of my worries, over and over, as if repeating them would make them any better. I walked up the stairs and crashed into my bed, putting it away for a little while.

"Good morning sleepy head, you can't sleep forever, time to work." I picked up my backpack and slowly chipped away at my responsibilities and I started to feel a little better by the middle of the day. I started forgetting it was there. I walked to swim practice and it hit me like a slap to the face. "You're not good enough, and you won't be. You're chubby, and you can't lose weight, why is it even worth it? There is no incentive anymore, you need to just quit." I could feel it in my stomach now, but I swam through the nausea, trying to do this for me. I told myself it would go away, that I deserved this, but when I got out of the pool I couldn't get myself to get dressed for thirty minutes. It just sat in my stomach, staying quiet. It stayed there through dinner, through my studies, and all the way up until I went to sleep. It woke me up at six in the morning, and then again when my alarm went off. I popped the pill I forgot to take yesterday, and that made it leave for a little while. So I repeated the motions all over again.

If you didn't quite catch onto this story, it is a day in the life. I deal with depression and anxiety on the regular, and it took me years to start medication to help handle it. But I still have off days, and it tends to comfort me knowing I'm not the only one who is dealing with it as well.

Depression and anxiety can feel like someone inside you, making even the most basic tasks difficult to deal with. 41.6 percent of college students deal with anxiety, and 36.4 percent deal with depression (APA). It's normal. If you're feeling off, don't be afraid to reach out for help. There are ways to help you feel better, and it will be worth it.

The moral of the story, keep moving forward. Life has so many beautiful things to offer, and no matter who you are you have a plethora of opportunities waiting for you. Don't let a little voice in your head stop you.

Source: APA