I'm Still Learning

It's after 1 AM on a Thursday night (I guess it's technically Friday now), and I'm still awake. No, I'm not drunk or doing work. I'm actually procrastinating all of my work if I'm being honest. No, right now I'm just sad. I couldn't tell you why, but I am. Not the scary or crazy kind of sad, just a little bit sad. And you now what? That's okay.

It gets the best of us. Sad days just kind of creep up, and normally it's so out of the blue. It's hard to find triggers, and it's hard to pull yourself out of them. Sad days can scare people away, and it can even scare yourself, because you don't know the person you are when you're sad. You just kind of turn into this shell, and you don't think about anything you do or any decisions you make. All that matters is figuring out how to not be sad anymore.

Trust me, I get it. I've hurt my fair share of people on my sad days, including myself. I've been petty, I've been mean, and I've been just plain selfish because for some reason, I feel like that's the best way to get myself out of my sad days. I know that's not the cure, I promise. I don't know why I think that's what I need to do. I don't mean to hurt people, and I don't mean to be mean. Once I realize I hurt someone, I regret it immediately. It's almost like this never ending cycle that just keeps getting worse the more sad I get. But like I said, I just turn into this shell and don't care. Or maybe I care too much when I get sad. Maybe that's why I start overthinking so much, and dig that hole just a little bit deeper with every sad thought that pops up.

I get paranoid. I think that everything is going wrong, and I put these crazy, untrue thoughts into my head. It makes me a little crazy, to be honest, and maybe that's why I turn into a mean and uncaring person. I turn things onto myself, and if I don't project my anger at myself outwards in some way, I am mean to me, and that never turns out well. Then I hurt the people I care about, and taking that hurt away is hard. Making people understand why I act the way I am is hard. Taking responsibility for not being able to control my mood swings is hard. I'm still learning, and this learning curve is proving to be really steep.

But none of this is an excuse. None of this is supposed to be an "oh, pity sad little me." It's an explanation. It's me taking responsibility. It's me admitting that the way I sometimes act when I'm sad is not okay. Being sad is okay. Having bad days is okay. Taking it out on the people you care about, however, is not okay. Like I said, I'm still learning. Slowly, I know, and I apologize to the people who are seeing me through this learning, but I am.

Remember to check on your friends. I know that's easier said than done, and I know I'm bad at it, but I'm trying to be better at it. If you have a friend who is being distant, mean, or just apathetic, check on them. I bet you they aren't trying to hurt you. Sometimes they're sad. Sometimes they don't know how to ask for help. Sometimes they don't even know that they need help.