I'm sorry for saying sorry.

​I say sorry a lot. And I mean A LOT.

All day long, I apologize to my husband and kids.

I even think "sorry" during situations with strangers.

What do I say sorry for?

HONESTLY... EVERYTHING.

I say sorry for sneezing, for moving slightly past someone, for wanting to ask a question, for asking someone to pass me something, for having thoughts, for tripping, for seemingly nothing.

Husband: comes into the room to ask me a question.

Me: .... silent....silent... [glares with fawn eyes] .. sorry.

Husband: what?

Me: glares {shrugs awkwardly}

This is a symptom of my PTSD.

As a child, I always walked on eggshells. My mother was manic, bipolar, depressed, and an alcoholic. She was a workaholic and gone every day for 10 hours, then self medicated nightly.

Everything made her mad. And she always looked annoyed or just off.

Resting b*tch face might be a joke to all of you, but for me it was the earliest sketch I did of "my mama" as a kid.

She was very skinny, standing at 5 feet tall and dressed up in turtle necks with dress slacks or women's pants suits mostly. A Chanel & Coach-inspired businesswoman with OCD perfect makeup and hair.

But her rage and emotions were like a furry.

For anyone who has seen Coraline, the "other mother" is what comes to mind for me years later. As a kid, I even swore she was a witch.

But being serious, she was always disappointed and angry with me. Everything I did set her off and quite often made her ground me or emotionally abuse me into a corner.

That went on my entire life with her. And even though I left at 16, the effects of that upbringing have lasted until now.

Well into my twenties, while living with my Aunt and Uncle who took me in as a teen, I would cry easily and apologize for everything. I struggled a lot with anxiety and depression. I had a hard time making friends and adjusting to school when it came to interacting with other people.

I used to always feel like everything was my fault, and I knew I would face a lot of abuse for any mistakes so I was extra cautious.

I will never forget the summer I was 16 and pregnant, as a new member of my Aunt's household, and spilled a glass of milk that shattered on the floor. I cried hysterically, while my aunt just blinked and stared at me. She was not even a little mad and we just wiped it up.

Looking back on the many times I was fragile and afraid after moving out, I pity my younger self and wish I could have had the awareness and maturity to have gotten counseling and help.

For a really long time, I thought I was pretty "together" and just focused on going to school and caring for my child.

Now, at 28 while I am married with 3 kids and live with my own little family, I catch glimpses of that same fragile girl who is petrified of making mistakes.

Subconsciously, I try to avoid anything that could hurt someone else or myself.

I hate loud conversations, I hate confrontations, and I really cannot handle any aggressive or upsetting emotions radiating from anyone around me.

It is all amplified for me.

As some of you may also be able to relate, these are qualities of someone who is empathic.

When it comes to saying sorry for really meaningful stuff though, I am not always sure how to.

I pause.

I freak out internally.

I feel so bad I did something and I am nervous to approach conflicts so I mull it over and I psych myself out all the way up until saying it.

And the more time or distance goes between myself and whomever I should apologize to, the more anxious and upset I get about the whole situation.

A few years ago, I apologized to a friend about something that happened in middle school.

I had felt so bad for years but was terrified to confront it.

Yet the person was completely fine and gladly accepted, but said it was not even necessary.

That made me feel so embarrassed.

Even worse, I reflect now on the times I have yearned to say sorry to abusers.

To exs, even when they did something horrible to me.

To old friends, who cut me off or drifted away, so I could try and say sorry to fix whatever severed the relationship.

I even went through a phase where I tried to sort of say sorry to each parent [both I have not seen since 16 and they were each super abusive + addicts].

Yet, I KNEW I did nothing wrong.

I logically know when I do something wrong.

Or I illogically think I did something wrong.

Those are my two reactions in everyday life situations.

I now know that is completely normal for someone who has Complex PTSD and has been abused.

But I went at least 25 years not knowing any of those terms and not having a true association with those words.

I am working on myself currently, and I have confided in my husband about it so I could explain why I am the way that

I am.

Getting to know me has been a slow and eye-opening process for him. But having someone so close, whom I see every day thankfully, really helps me to rationalize and identify my emotions and the way I process my life.

I also get to form safety and reassurance of my decisions.

Maturity + awareness of these side effects of abuse has also helped me to post about them.

I know that so many people experience this and often, just like me, they lack awareness of where it stems from.

Or worse, people may feel like they are broken and too damaged to ever become "normal".

I know that feeling and it takes me every single day to tell myself rational thoughts to combat those fears.

I have to be loving and remind myself that healing takes time.

I also lean heavily on educating myself and connecting with others.

I am trying to be more conscious of the word sorry and replace it with "excuse me" in small scenarios.

As for the big mistakes, I have to tell myself more often that I am human and prone to errors.

In the duality of the word, I need just as much to embrace not saying sorry for being myself.

I should never have to be sorry for being bold, passionate, brave, loving, adventurous, hopeful, positive, or any other positive and healthy emotion.

And neither should you.

One day, I am confident I will grow beyond a lot of these symptoms, but I hope by sharing my progress it may empower and inspire others struggling with the same problems.

In order to become our best selves, we need to seek help and knowledge, as well as share our raw truths to validate one another.

So here's to saying sorry AND not sorry, one step forward at a time.