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I'm Not Lazy, I'm Depressed

by Jonathan Miciano 4 years ago in depression
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Hear me out.

This is not an excuse. This is an explanation.

There are so many things I want to do. I can talk to you for hours upon hours about the items on my bucket list. Even from a day-to-day perspective, there are several things I like to get done. Have you ever gotten something accomplished? It's a great feeling right? Well, I too enjoy that feeling of accomplishment and success.

I want to write books. I want to create the next best television series. I want to become one of the greatest screenwriters and directors of all time. I want to write music that people will love and perform for the fans who love my music. I want to graduate college and finally get my degree. I want to make my family proud. I want to be the man of God I've always strived to be. I want to do and be a lot of things.

The problem is, I don't get nearly as many tasks accomplished as I'd like to. I do spend a lot of time resting and recharging any time I get the chance. While I enjoy resting, I do fear that it makes me come off as someone who is not motivated or active enough. I myself feel that I am not proactive enough to get things done in my life. It is a crippling feeling for several reasons.

For one thing, I get upset with myself for not doing enough. I took a year off from school for the purpose of finally having time to create. I told myself I write everyday, practice everyday, and just use the time I would have focused on school work to focus on creating. But that wasn't the case. I'd spend a day or two each week writing and the rest of the week resting and recharging. In all fairness, I did need time to recover mentally and emotionally for reasons I can explain another time, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I wasn't doing everything I was capable of doing.

At the same time, I didn't want people to think I was lazy. I know my family saw me lounging around a lot at home when I wasn't at work, and they might have seen it as me taking advantage of not being in school. I mean I was, but that wasn't my sole objective. I wanted to tell them I was going to do something, but I also didn't have the energy to do whatever I told them I was going to do.

I have clinical depression. For as long as I remember I've felt like I lived in this deep, dark abyss that consumed with every thought and action. I never put too much thought in my future because I always figure if life got too difficult—as morbid as it sounds—I could just end it myself. I wasn't willing to suffer for a life that didn't sound like it was worth living.

I've always had this feeling like life was a scam. Why would I want to go through years of schooling when I'm terrible at every subject, pile up loads of debt, get a job that I don't like just to make money, and then eventually die? Again, I know it sounds morbid, but this is my mind. Everything felt pointless and hopeless.

So sometimes I wonder, what's the point? Yes, I was a bit nihilistic, but I really didn't feel like I was being irrational. The things I felt like I was good at (music, writing, artistic stuff) seemed to only lead to careers that were impossible to obtain. I didn't know what I was going to do in the future, let alone if it was anything in my future that was worth working towards.

I also feel physically, mentally, and emotionally drained all the time. Depression does that to you; it robs you of your energy and your drive. I constantly want to get things done, but most of the time I just feel like I can't. It really is the worst feeling.

To top it all off, I'm afraid of so many things. I'm afraid of failure, of course. But I am always afraid of what is outside my door. I am on edge all the time, and there are so many days when I wonder if something terrible is going to happen to me. Because of this, I feel safer staying in bed, or just staying on my living room couch with the things that make me feel calm and happy: Netflix, music, video games, and my writing. I know it may sound childish to be a grown man afraid of the outside, but it's so much more than that. I'm terrified, and the anxiety I feel constantly eats me up.

The thing you need to realize is that I'm not the only one. Depression takes a toll on us that you may never understand, but I plead with you to try. We're not lazy. We really are trying out best. And we know it may sound like we're just whining when we say it's difficult, we don't have the energy, or that we're afraid. But it's much more than.

I've seen countless doctors, been through several different therapy sessions, and taken countless medications. Would you say I'm lazy if you had to experience the same thing?

If you can relate with what I'm saying, I just want you to know that I am here for you and that you are not alone. Although you may feel alone, you are surrounded by love and support, even though your depression attempts to inform you otherwise.

You are loved. You mean so much to so many people. You are doing your best, and we are all proud of you for it.

depression

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Jonathan Miciano

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