I’m not as evil as I might seem

by TvV 5 months ago in personality disorder

I’m just an INFJ-T/Cancer fusion

I’m not as evil as I might seem

Welcome to my labyrinth of a mind. Don’t get confused. I’ve always known I was different. It used to bother me. I honestly thought I was an alien or mentally ill before I realized I am an INFJ. A turbulent one. A Cancerian too. The ONLY sign governed by the moon. Now I describe myself as a walking contradiction of authentic complexity. I have many truths.

If you like things plain and straightforward close this now. I am the most complex type of person you are likely to meet. Something I feel mixed emotions about. I am unique but also so confusing.

Why am I opening up now? Because INFJ’s also deserve to be understood. People judge you if you show them the real you if they are ever so un/lucky for us to even peel back that third or fourth of the 2000 layers, which may take decades. We are about 1,5% of the population. We don’t trust you. We can’t trust you. We hurt so easily and deeply, we have to protect ourselves. From everyone. Even our children. Just before my divorce, I read my journal to my ex, and he was shocked. He had no idea what was going on inside me. He “knew” me for 15 years!

It is hard to connect to people when you feel nobody could ever understand you, although people feel an attraction to our types. They are drawn. Even as a young child from the age of 6, I had grownups coming to me, and they just pour their hearts out. Apparently, that is a quality of this rare personality type. I can calm you by just being there... but I take your pain. Your turmoil. That is why you feel better. That is why I have "resting sad face". That is why my eyes change colour. When it gets too much, I hide away from everyone so I can heal from your pain. I need to be alone most of the time. Lying on my bed in a dark room is not depression. I’m recharging my spirit for the next round. It is your tears streaming down my face. Perhaps the tears you refuse to cry. I haven’t slept properly in over 20 years. I can lie in bed for the whole weekend and not realize the time because I was in my head. I forget to eat when my daughter is not at home because I am too busy thinking. But don’t ask me about what. Everything. Nothing.

I have this ability to be overly attached or totally detached. I can love with the deepest intensity or despise the very air you breathe and plot your demise. Not that I do... at most I will rip you apart with the truth that is you, the truth you try hide. But only if you hurt someone I care about. If you in any way pose a threat to someone in my life... be prepared. Sometimes I will hurt you to protect you from yourself. I am your best friend and your worst enemy.

If I ghost you, please don’t rush me to answer because if I have not sorted it out in my head, the cold truth that will come out of my mouth... you might never recover. I need time to find the right words, but when I am ready, I will leave you clues that it is safe to approach. Do so with caution. Don’t scare me. Be strong but vulnerable.

INFJ’s... we are odd, yes. We see you, we see passed your masks, your armour, your smile. We see passed fake tears. We know when you lie, we just might not have pieced the truth together yet but we will. If we bother looking. Sometimes we just don’t bother. Sometimes it will be an obsession.

I will love you for what I see inside and never because you are beautiful or rich or have 20 degrees or own a company. In fact, I stay far away from those if I can. It’s just a meat-suit. Its just money. Honestly the least attractive of people by the world's standards can be the most beautiful to me. I just don’t find the normal things attracting me. Your mind will attract me. Your heart. Your wicked sense of humour. Your light and your dark. You must have darkness. Otherwise, there is no depth to you, and then I find you boring. Shut down, fuck off, leave me alone. I figured you out in 5 seconds.

I can see the ugly inside of you and still love you. I might not like you though, but I can still love you. Confusing? Because I am ugly but beautiful. I am cruel but kind. I am Gandhi and Hitler. I am so inferior yet far superior. I am yin and yang. I am worthless, yet I am a million times worth my weight in gold. If I hurt you, I can cry for months or not at all. You will be over my harsh words perhaps, but it can haunt me forever that I can be so cruel. Yet I was actually being kind in a manner you might never understand.

I’m all over the place and stumble over my words because there is no possible way for me to make sense to you. I cannot put my million thoughts into sentences. With some people, I will just switch off. Apparently, you can see me just shut down like slamming an iron gate in your face. Perhaps something ever so often will remind me of a person, but I shrug and know we played a part in teaching each other lessons that needed to be learned. I was not your soulmate / soul-sister but your mirror. Few people get the opportunity to hurt me. I’m not likely to hand you the knife and map to my weaknesses. If I have trusted you with some tiny fragment of my heart and you betrayed that, you need to give me serious space. I might calm down in a few months and forgive you. I might never speak to you again. Wise perhaps to not try to approach me again, I am only for the truly strong. Are you that strong? Because I need you to be strong and vulnerable. Contradictory. That is my life. I will chase you away time after time, subconsciously mostly. I guess it is a test. Am I worth enough to you for you to chase after me? Because I am so worthless but like no other. No, it’s not a game. It is very serious. Am I worth it? If you take too long, I will not wait even if I have nobody in my life. Most of the time, I have nobody in my life. It is less complicated.

Subconsciously INFJ's are gathering information like a sponge. It is second nature, we don’t even realize we are doing it. Consciously we will “stalk” you though. Not to be freaky, we just absolutely need to understand you. What makes you happy, what makes you sad? What is important to you? Why did you lie? There are a million “why’s?” in our mind every single day. If you hide something, we will be determined to find out what it was and then ghost you. It just confirms what we sensed about you. We have little sympathy, though. We know you better than you know yourself. I can count on my one hand how many times I have truly loved, and only my daughter knows the real real real me. Some will be unlucky enough to see more, but only what we allow. Sometimes I will take bricks down off this wall.

Cancerian...moonchild, INFJ.... the empathy flows through my soul so much more than you could ever know. That is why I push you away. That is why I keep pushing people away. It is actually more than empathy. We genuinely have the ability to feel EXACTLY what you feel. We know what you are going to do sometimes before you do. We hear that slight change in tone, the small little tic on your temple, the way you looked away. The way you looked ashamed for no apparent reason. The words you did not say. We connect all the dots without so much as a thought and know the outcome. Sometimes we will nudge you in that direction to actually make that decision you are struggling with. If you are ill the other side of the world, I can get your symptoms. I can spend a whole day crying for no reason and find out someone I care for was crying all day. I feel the energy seeping out of me as I give you my strength and sometimes I cannot even walk to the bathroom a few feet away because you made me weak. I can touch someone and know their deepest darkest secret, and I wait for them to tell me, and when they do all I can say is I knew, and I loved you anyway.

I love people, and I hate people. I love helping people, and I hate them for taking my energy.

I have had premonitions that have all come true, and I dread the ones I am waiting for. But you will never really know me. Only what I share here... IF you are interested enough to even read through this. I might share a story so that you can open up, but that story is all we are willing to let you see. We are born to heal your pain, to fix the world. I don’t watch the news, I don’t buy the paper. I cannot do that to myself anymore and stay sane. Sometimes INFJ’s are diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder or autism. We are socially awkward yet socially skilled to mingle among you like a chameleon. We can be invisible. But if I want you to suddenly see me, you will. It's just a mental switch.

We often hear: “I’ve never told anyone this before”, “It’s crazy I’ve just met you, and I’m telling you about my darkness”, “I’ve never met a woman like you before”. You are not likely to meet us. Out of a population of 7’7 Billion, only about 1,5% are like us. You are not likely to find us because we are safely at home most of the time. We are the ones reading a book or with earphones on. We are that person with their arms crossed and aloof demeanour that you feel hesitant to approach if we are forced to go out. Or I could also be that woman on the dance floor that you desire and you will never approach me. This is us protecting ourselves. But if we feel that you are in pain, and we have battery power, you will come to us. There is that silent invitation. Come here, let me heal you. I’ll take your pain. Let me tell you about yourself. Let me show you your weakness so that you can overcome it. It can be gentle, it can be cruel, but it will be your truth.

We are also that person that, in a crowd of people, you will feel us, if we allow it. That person in the audience you are giving a presentation to, or the panel interviewing you, and you look at us 90% of the time because we make you feel safe.

I can also give you a look that does not send you to hell but makes you wish you were rather there. Yeah, those were my ex’s words. Yet he still loved me. Or what he thinks I am.

We crave love so badly is scares us shitless. So much so that at the slightest hint of it we will run away from you because it's not the love you are thinking of. Your love is superficial. Only the brave will chase after us. It is the deepest spiritual connection you can and ever will experience. We don’t need you though, realize that, we love being alone too. We could like being alone but with you just an arm's length away. We might marry you but need you to live next door. Why on earth would we want to be vulnerable? You will hurt us. We don’t want to need you saying you love us. We DO need you to love us ... because so few can really love us like we should be loved. Our pain is so overwhelming and shattering. IF we do fall, a rare thing, we fall hard, and it takes a while. It will not be something you will ever have experienced before should you be so lucky or unlucky. It is serious and intense. If we love you like this and you hurt us, the world’s aura will shatter. That is our love. We are secretive, therefore. Not purposefully. We are unlikely to lie to you, but you just never ask the right questions. We might dodge the truth while still answering truthfully, and that is also how we know when you lie to us. Mostly you are so busy talking about yourself and never ask about us. Then we will ghost you eventually.

personality disorder
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