I’m in Recovery

Let me premise this to say that I have lived a couple of decades without drugs and alcohol in my body.

Don’t feel sorry for me yet. I used plenty to excess and had all of the same nights I don’t remember, waking up in strange beds, doing things I regret, and even getting handcuffed in the back of a cop car. Drinking literally “fu^&$d” me up from my first drink, but I sometimes still crave that feeling of sinking into oblivion where my brain starts to turn off, my inhibitions come down and I even begin to laugh; not tied down by my own serious, catastrophizing mind.

I am a middle-aged woman now. Being drunk after being sober for this long would be foreign to me. I have broken a long cycle of addiction and abuse and for someone that has 10/10 Adverse Childhood Experiences, I am just glad to be functioning in society.

I reached my goal of never being a drunk mom like mine was and I have been married, had kids, been divorced, and managed to stay best friends with my ex while losing both parents in sobriety. I have gotten a college degree and done all of the things normal people do, albeit later in life.

I would seem normal if you didn’t know my history and that says a lot. I can blend well and have always been quite the chameleon.

For my first five years sober I stayed out of bars. I just didn’t have a place there anymore. I didn’t like being around drunk people and it was made easier when I found myself pregnant with 8 months sober from a guy in AA.

I have done my best to stay abstinent, work through my issues, and to be accountable to others in recovery and my family.

But guess what? I am still an addict. I am sneaky as hell.

There were a few years where I bought NA beers. I loved the idea of drinking without alcohol. I lived alone so why not?

Well, why not is because I had them lined up around my bedroom and bathroom and even started day drinking my NA's.

Let’s just say I liked them too much.

A handful of years after that I started brewing my own Kombucha. Alcohol, smalcohol. It’s fermented, right? It burns out or some shit.

I found myself buzzed by my homemade Kombucha on countless occasions, but said nothing.

I later went to the doctor for stomach issues and it seemed I had bacteria in my small intestine and was ill. My naturopath said to stop with the Kombucha.

Over the years I would have it every once in a while when out to dinner or on special occasions, but this last year I started drinking it alcoholically. I was addicted to the sweetness and the caffeine and maybe even the trace amounts of alcohol. I had to quit. It was becoming a habit that I needed and started looking forward to way too much.

I tried a CBD tincture last year as well. It was expensive and I felt weird about it but justified it as it had no THC. I wanted to take the edge off and decided to give it a try. I tried it for 3 months and felt nothing, but still looked forward to my ritual of taking it.

I try to go the natural route and you would maybe laugh if you saw my supplement shelf, but I definitely have addictive tendencies. I like to shop and can spend impulsively. I have to keep my finances in check to not endanger my families livelihood.

My brain sometimes feels like an enemy, but here’s what I am learning:

• The more I’m active the better I feel. The more honest I am the better I feel.

• If I am keeping secrets I feel heavy and weighed down. That might just get me actually drunk or high again, but when I am honest it takes the power out of it and I can come clean.

• Honesty really is important. I lied and stole for years, but now it doesn’t sit well with my conscience. It’s weird. Being honest really is where it’s at. When we are honest with others and ourselves we can live at peace with nothing to hide.

• I need accountability people. Others who know my crazy and can listen, hold space and give me their opinion or advice if I ask for it.

• I do attend recovery meetings weekly although I didn’t for many years. I find healing in going once a week or so to hear others living a life of abstinence from drugs and alcohol. It’s healing. I feel less alone.

• Going backward will bring you forward. It can be scary but when we are ready it is important to go back and deal with those past hurts, resentments, traumas, and regrets. We can no longer bury them under busyness, other addictions, and emotional outbursts.

So for me, it's a life of sobriety and authentic living. I’d say we do our best to stay away from mind-altering substances. Sugar and caffeine, even overdoing sex can be a mind-altering substance when it doesn't feel right, when something is off, when we feel the need to be secretive, when we feel guilty or like we are hiding something.

We check in with someone we trust about our habits if we are not sure. We learn to trust others’ opinions and we learn to trust ourselves.

We ask ourselves if we are trying to escape or run from our strong emotions. If we indeed are trying to mask our feelings, we come clean and figure out another alternative. Maybe therapy or another healing modality can help us get to the root of our dilemma?

We can listen to sobriety podcasts and read quit lit. We can remember why we chose this life of abstinence and remember why our health and well-being are worth it. We are worth it.

When drinking, over-indulging, or using escapism to distract ourselves from feeling strong emotions we can ask ourselves if journaling, talking to someone, or taking a walk outside might help us process better. We aren't hard on ourselves. This shit is hard.

Many of us are going through life with blinders on. For me, it’s buying things online and anxiously awaiting their arrival to get a dopamine hit, but for others it can be watching porn, binging Netflix, alcohol, or drugs. We can be escaping through sex with various partners while trying to find love in all the wrong places. We can be overworking and overperforming to try to keep our anxiety in check. There are a multitude of ways we try to get out of our own bodies and consciousness.

This is more of an awareness, we are not punishing ourselves for being human. Our brains are complicated and some things are out of our control. We must treat ourselves with grace, kindness, and love. Most of us have beaten ourselves up for way too long.

Honest self-appraisal with self-love is our goal. Truthful accountability. Healing. Recovery.

How we get there on this journey is different for everyone and I believe there is no one size all fits solution.

The more we talk about it, the more normal discussing these real issues will be. The more we remove ourselves from stuffing and hiding the more we will be able to stand tall and look others in the eye.

We don’t need to feel ashamed of our pasts, but inevitably we do. Owning our behaviors and sharing with someone safe works to take the bogey man out of the closet. It’s scarier in our own minds and usually once we let it out into the light the power diminishes.

Recovery really is worth it. Even if we don’t do it perfectly.

I know my life has been saved and hopefully, my kids won’t have to live the way I did. If I have modeled anything for them it’s been coming clean when I make a mistake and being transparent. We all make mistakes and hiding them doesn't make them go away. Facing them and owning up really is the way to a life of happy, joyous, and free.

When the lines get blurred we can check in with another to see where we are at. We can't do this alone. It's a slippery slope out there. Being a secret makes it worse, I share this from my own experience.

We all have lines we would rather not cross and for me, I just try to find gratitude in my own situation. Being sober and in recovery is a blessing. Many of us don't make it out alive so because I have thus far, I try to dig deeper and see how I can possibly bring some light to the darkness. I've been there and I don't want to go back.

If it feels slippery it probably is. Check-in with someone else that will be honest with you without judgment. Come clean and start fresh. It's never too late to start again if you are alive and breathing.