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I Lived a Double Life for 19 Years

How Shackles Set Me Free

By Hollie AnnPublished 2 years ago 10 min read
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I Lived a Double Life for 19 Years
Photo by Sammy Williams on Unsplash

The thing about living a double life is that there is always a moment that you fear- a singular moment you know is bound to happen that will cause the two worlds to collide. I did not know exactly what my moment would be, but I knew it would be cataclysmic. Let me paint you a picture of what my life looked like 26 months ago, at least from the outside looking in. I had a successful career, drove a shiny new car, was engaged to a wonderful man whom I loved more than anything, and had a small circle of friends I knew I could count on. I was dependable and reliable at work, funny and outgoing to my friends and family, successful and ready to settle down with my fiancé. I paid my bills on time, voted, and was a model citizen. I had never even been pulled over. My life was perfect, or so it seemed. What no one knew, was that I was harboring a secret that if discovered, would cause my world to implode. Well, twenty-six months ago, the lie that I had been living for nineteen years completely blew up, ruining the perfect persona that I had worked so hard to maintain. It destroyed me, but it also saved my life.

So, the obvious first question...what was I hiding?

Hello, my name is Hollie, and I am an addict.

That's right. The woman with the great career, the shiny car, the amazing fiancé, and supportive family and friends. Yeah...the girl with her shit together? Turns out, not so much. But I had gotten very good at playing that role. See, addiction does not discriminate. It does not care what you have accomplished, how much money you have, what you look like, or where you come from. It is a vile, nasty disease, and once it has you, it will do anything to keep you. Trust me on that. And it doesn't happen overnight. At least for me it didn't. So how did it start? Well, due to childhood trauma, I developed depression and anxiety at a very early age, as well as severe codependency and self-esteem issues. I worried about everything, always felt like I was letting everyone down, and was constantly on edge. I never developed any proper positive coping skills and always felt trapped in my own brain. By the time I was a teenager, I had developed an eating disorder and had started experimenting with self-injurious behaviors. I hated myself, and I was already starting to completely shut down from the world. So, when I was prescribed narcotic pain medication for a dental procedure at the age of 14, you can imagine my surprise when it seemed to unlock a part of my brain that I thought I had lost forever. The pills seemed to provide a freeing feeling, releasing my brain from the chains of anxiety and trauma it seemed to always be a prisoner of. They made me social again, helped me forget horrors from my past, and turned off the constant worrying. I thought I had found my answer- a temporary escape from the pain. I didn't realize then that I was starting down a road I would never be able to control.

For the next 19 years, my drug use slowly turned into full-blown addiction. What had started as an innocent escape every once and a while quickly became my biggest coping mechanism. Whenever something happened, either positive or negative, I would turn to pills to cope and "make it better." The only thing I was doing was making both my mind and body more addicted. By the time I was in my twenties, I was using daily. By then, I had perfected the art of lying, always making sure that the two lives I was leading never bled into each other. I had started my career as a pharmacy technician, which I excelled at, and had moved up the ladder quickly. I had made some amazing friends. I was still able to go to work, drive, and function as a human being. When I needed a fix, I would just go to a bathroom or lie and say I had a headache and was taking something over the counter. No one suspected anything. I was totally trustworthy. I had become a total pro at hiding it so far. I had this whole double life thing totally under control. But the lying was staring to take its toll. I'd always been a rather paranoid person, and compound the fact that I actually was hiding some very big secrets, well, it was a lot of guilt to carry around. As a result, I started to self-medicate more and more thinking that that would help numb the shame. It didn't work.

Its amazing how much the human body can physically take. By the time I reached 31, I was so physically dependent on opiates that I could not go more than two or three hours without using. I had added other types of pills to the mix at this point (also downers) to combat anxiety and to help me sleep. I was suffering from major depression as a result. I was getting physically sick on many occasions from what I was putting in my body. I knew at this point that I needed help. The crazy part? My double life was still very much intact. I was still able to keep up the lie. My job was still going great for the most part, my family and friends still thought the world of me, and I had met and fallen in love with an amazing man who wanted to spend his life with me. I was still kicking ass and taking names. How I was doing it exactly I'm still not sure. Everyone thought I was happy, successful, and well-adjusted, even though I seemed a little depressed at times. Everyone was wrong. I was living in a perpetual state of fear and shame. Fear of being found out. Fear of having to reveal who I truly was to those around me. Fear of my secret destroying not only my life but the lives of those I loved most. What was worse than the fear was the shame. Every time I poured a handful of pills down my throat, all I would taste was the bitter sting of shame. My skin would crawl with regret. I was living in a vicious cycle of 'wake up, use, hate myself for using, use, fall into a depression, use to battle the depression, hate myself for all of it, use again, go to sleep, rinse, repeat.' I truly hated what I was doing to myself, but I had no idea how to stop. I wanted help, but was too afraid to ask for it. I didn't want to shatter the image that everyone had of me. Everything felt hopeless. Just when I thought there was no way out, that singular moment when two worlds collide happened when I least expected, but right when I needed it.

So, the next obvious question...what happened?

I was arrested. That's right. The woman who had never even had a speeding ticket was arrested. At the time I thought it was the worst thing that could have ever happened to me. I can still feel the cold steel of the handcuffs; the hot, stuffy air of the police car, the sticky bench of the jail cell. I can still hear the beeps and radio static of the police scanner and hear the tinny quality of the officer's voice who read me my rights. I can smell the sweat of the solitary cell I was placed in (I admitted to feeling suicidal and was placed on suicide watch in jail overnight). I can taste the salt of my own tears when I finally heard the judge say I was being released on bond the following afternoon. But the worst thing I remember? I can still feel my parents' eyes burning holes in my back as I was brought before the judge in handcuffs in black and white stripes. I'm not sure that is something either parties will every quite forget.

From that moment on, everything changed. In a matter of 24 hours, I had blown up my entire world. My two lives had finally fully collided. See one thing I haven't mentioned is that I was arrested at work for possession because I was caught stealing from the pharmacy that I worked for. I told you that addiction is a conniving mistress She makes you do things that you never dreamed you would do. It was one more lie that I had been working so hard to keep from everyone in my life. I loved that job, and I loved the friends that I had made there. Well, both the career and friends were gone. Instantly. My wonderful relationship with my fiancé? To say that he was heartbroken would be an understatement. I really blew it there. And the sad truth is that if I would have just been honest, he would have helped me get through it and supported me all the way. My family, though very supportive, needed explanations, and rightfully so. I lost a lot of trust, and trust is one of those things that takes a long time to earn back. I'm from a small town, and from working in the same pharmacy for so long, everyone knew who I was. When news broke about what had happened, the community was shocked, and my name became synonymous with a fall from grace. But its really funny what happens when you hit rock bottom. There is only one place to go- up.

Remember how I said I thought getting arrested was the worst thing that could have happened to me at the time? I was wrong. Getting arrested saved my life. Sitting in the jai cell that night, I met with a mental health worker. He was the first person I ever told that I was an addict. I remember the weight I felt lift off my shoulders. I didn't have to lie anymore. I didn't have to steal. I didn't have to pretend to be something that I wasn't. No more living two lives. I voluntarily checked into long-term inpatient rehab a short time after being released, and it was the best decision I have ever made. Spending four months learning about the disease of addiction and working on myself openly and honestly for the first time at the age of 33 was exactly what I needed. It turns out when you get sober, you get to stop lying and hiding half of your life. You get to live in the truth, and that is a lot more enjoyable. I was so miserable before, I had just gotten exceptionally good at hiding the half of me that was hurting. I know deep down that if I had kept going down the path I was headed, I would not be here today. My body would have eventually given out. I needed a way out of the life I was living, and I believe that my Higher Power provided one for me. It might not have been the one I wanted at the time, but it was the one I needed. I am not going to sit here and tell you that my life is all rainbows and butterflies now, because that would be a bold-faced lie. But I am proud to say that I have not touched a drug or a drink since the day I was arrested. I have done more work on myself sober, and its been hard, honest work, then I ever did while I was using. I get to live an honest life now because I have absolutely nothing to hide anymore.

And damn...does it feel good.

addiction
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About the Creator

Hollie Ann

Mental health advocate navigating life diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. Living in Recovery. My dog is my best friend. Jurassic Park is the greatest film ever created.

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