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I Know Who I Am

Excerpt from The Love We Had, a Novel

By Øivind H. SolheimPublished 2 years ago 3 min read
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I Know Who I Am
Photo by Diego San on Unsplash

What will my life be like now?

What is true, what is false?

What is right and what is wrong?

I have tried to do everything as I perceive that he wants me to do things, but he just keeps talking me down and criticizing me.

What now, when he does not see me anyway, when he still only sees my shadow because he has chased me far away from him? What now, when I have hidden under my shell, where I crawl together, where I hold the position through the days and nights?

When he rejects me, is condescending to me, mocks me because I am who I am, not who he thinks I should be — is this the moment when I will rebel?

I know who I am, and I am not the one he likes to think that I am.

I will get up, slowly, with calm movements, I will find the balance and stand steady. And I’ll show him the person he refuses to see that I am.

I will start walking calm down the road on what is to become my way back to myself, to the one I know I am.

That’s exactly how it is: there is hope — hope that is always there, hope that is always shattered.

I feel unwell, unclean, used. I have given myself to him. I have received him. And now, the day after, it’s forgotten. He speaks to me as he all too often speaks, in a condescending, hurtful way.

He comments on me, he is vicious, he is the one he always has been. And I ask myself if I will ever learn from this. He steals for my energy without giving back. He uses me, but not the way I want to be ‘used’.

I should stop hoping on him. I should stop waiting on what never comes. I must turn my gaze in another direction.

I should look for love somewhere else, where there is something to pick up. I do not owe him anything, because he does not give back any of what I give him.

The first snow sprinkle down from the mountain, every new day a little further down.

The landscape changes suddenly. One day when I look out of the window, I see that it is white far down the mountainside. I think now the snow has come. The landscape out there is changing in the same way that it is changing inside me.

When I see the change outside, I feel something new inside me. I can get started on something new. What changes outside makes it possible for me to focus again.

I’m looking at the phone. He has sent me a message.

I look at the phone. I sent a message and he has responded.

“Do you want to meet me?” I asked an hour ago.

“Sure! Where, when?” he answers.

And I write back.

“Tomorrow at 4 pm, at the information board of the cultural trail near the river.”

I press Send. I feel the heart pounding in my chest. I wait, almost hold the breath.

And he answers:

“Looking forward to go for a walk with you upwards, toward the first snow.”

I’m standing in the hallway. I hesitate, then I gather, button my jacket, put my mobile phone in my pocket and pull up the zipper.

I walk quickly through the streets, on the road to the unknown. Outside the gas station I meet a colleague. She greets me with a hello. I’m trying to give a smile back to her.

I go up towards the agreed meeting place. I think I’m out early, but I really am just in time as I approach.

I see someone up there. I’m out of breath when I say hello. He smiles at me. He nods. I want to give him a smile back. He puts his hand gently on my shoulder.

Afterwards I feel the light weight from his hand. I want to talk, but my voice fails.

depression
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About the Creator

Øivind H. Solheim

Novel author, lifelong learner and nature photographer: Poetry, short stories, personal essays, articles and stories on nature, hiking, physical and mental health, living in relationships, love, and future. “Make Your Dream Be Your Future​”

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