I hate you, I love you

You're often taught at some point in your life that the emotions, Love and Hate are two sides of the same coin. Neurologically speaking, that is kind of true. When you are in love or loving on someone or something, you aren't judging them, it is a deep passion of loving the existence of another person no matter whom they are. Hatred is the same passion, but reverse, you are judging someone, if you ask someone who hates you, they are heavily judgemental and will never run out of reasons to hate you. Most people, don't really hate anyone, not personally anyway. We of course as people, in Society have people whom exist that we heavily dislike or "hate". However the reality is that of a distant hate, a backburner hate, since the subject of the hatred is someone whom you are unlikely to meet.

I've struggled with this balance of Love and Hate all my adult life, I love everyone, Of course I still have my peeves and dislikes like everyone else on this floating rock. But my relationships, Platonic, Romantic, Familial, etc are not all sunshine and rainbows. Deep inside, under the surface, Its just a pit of rage. I love my family, but in the same breathe I can switch the tap on, and my view drops from Familial love to the deepest recesses of hatred that a human being can muster short of committing a crime.

Do I truly hate someone? No, I don't think I do, because within seconds of calming down I regret whatever I have said or done in my fits of rage. Someone whom is truly in control of their rage and fury may say "I went too far" but they may also say "You kind of deserved it". That is not the case for me. I want to be alone, but in the same breath, cannot live on my own. I push those, I deeply care about away as a means to disappoint then drag them back in when it gets too much. Walking the line between a hermit and a social butterfly.

Feeling constantly at odds with your own kneejerk reactions to someone else's actions and being at the mercy of someone else's patience and understanding of your mental health is exhausting. Physically, Mentally, Emotionally and Socially. Being unable to keep a friend group for longer than 2 years, fearing that, at any time you could snap and remove all freedoms from your prior friend group.

Forcing them to push you away before you they do it of their own volition, feeling like that is the only way to control your reaction to rejection is to know that you are, truly the reason they left you. Believing that, to be at peace with abandonment is to be the real reason for the abandonment in the first place.

Yet, you don't feel more at ease, you feel just as bad if not worse because you took that option away from another. You forced your own Social Exile on yourself, with no guarantee of the inevitability of it all. You feel like an outcast in any new friend group, you feel Socially and emotionally different to your peers and work friends. Any new friendly faces are either treated as Deities or the walking, talking incarnations of the Devil himself.

Life is constantly about treading water and everything above the surface is calm and tranquil, with all the mud, blood, sharks and darkness just below the surface. Never feeling truly sad because you spend so much time treading water, never sitting down and considering your own emotions for a split second in fears that you will lose yourself and everything you love about life in that moment of reflection.

Your social life starts to reflect that of a runaway child escaping the inescapable wraith of your own emotions and not feeling like there's a single person out there whom truly understands what Its like to balance the fine china of your own life on a hockey stick.

Holding back the flood gates of rage is exhausting, you can only love for so long when the flood gates are broken after years of pent up anger, rage, mental exhaustion and the subject of that rage is only one comment or action away from either being verbally or physically abused.

There isn't much of an Upside to this, I just wanted to speak on behalf of people like me whom suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, an explanation of what it feels like. I understand the distrust of people with BPD, since It doesn't just create one victim, anyone associated with a rather bad case of it can be a Victim at some point.

I just want people to be more aware of the inner torment of living with it. It can be lived with, and you can function with it. Your family member or friend, will survive, they just need a stubborn, Iron-clad friend group around them that won't let them self-sabotage their own friend group or hold anything they say in a fit of rage against them.

Don't sweep mental health under the pharmaceutical rug either, if your friend who has mental health distress is "acting out" don't just say "take your meds" because there might not always be meds to take, the onise is on you in that moment to make sure you balance the rage out and ground them. If they're loving on you, ask them 3 things they don't like about you, vise versa, if they're hating on you prompt them to think of at least 3 things they like about you. Don't get it twisted or take it too personally, but it might balance them out a bit.