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I had a panic attack again

It was a two-hour ordeal

By Bushra ShahriarPublished 4 years ago 4 min read
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I had a panic attack again
Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

So, I had another panic attack. It came out of nowhere and I remembered I usually write about what I experienced; I know it helps some people and it helps me track how frequent they are. Ironically, I can't remember where I wrote the last one or when it happened but it was definitely over 6 months ago. I get at least a handful of intrusive thoughts every day, usually, ones that the demon in my head knows will upset me. Memories of when people did me dirty, memories of something someone close to me said, events that resulted in me becoming numb enough to take the fall to stop an argument, memories of people destroying everything that's meant to make a birthday special. I have no control over them. And I relive them every day as if they just happened. And it's not even one isolated thought; one happens and then everything the demon can possibly conjure up will follow. I haven't been to a doctor about it, but after the attack this week, I need to get some help at some point.

It's Ramadan, I'm Muslim. I woke up at half-past 3 in the morning, ate, prayed and got back into bed. I was exhausted but my mind wouldn't shut off. And back came the thoughts I didn't ask for. Who'll ruin my birthday this year; for the third year in a row? One of my closest friends? Can I trust them to make it a day where I'm not in fits for hours? If lockdown's over by then, will one of them make me wait for hours at the train station for them? Will one of them come to a place they've never been to before, that I picked because I wanted a new experience with them, but complain about how much they don't want to be there and manipulate me into believing it's my fault for making plans for the first time in 21 years? Will someone indirectly force me to take the fall for a lie they made up so they could get what they wanted? Just writing about the experiences makes me relive them again. I've always hated my birthday but now I live every day scared of the thought. And it resulted in a two-hour-long panic attack, reliving the moments that upset me the most, worrying about what'll happen this year; who will do me wrong this year, what will I do that ruins the day this year? My birthday isn't even for three months, I don't have to think about it but here we are, thinking about it every day like it matters (it doesn't).

Anyway, all my friends were asleep. I only had myself and the demon in my head to ruin my morning, and I was running on a four-hour nap. This is what I wrote when the panic attack was in full swing, just after I resorted to self-destructive behaviour:

I had a panic attack again. It's been a while. I had intrusive thoughts again. It's been a while. Flashbacks were persistent. It's been a while. Ruined birthdays, abuse, taking the fall for things that I didn't do. Even thinking about things that would usually calm me down wasn't working because my mind wouldn't stop finding ways to connect them to the trauma. Ruined birthdays was a bad one. Two in a row, who will ruin the third? Two hours later I thought to watch a digital clock go by seeing as my usual methods weren't helping. It took two hours to calm what was happening in my head. It doesn't go away. Mechanisms to cope with it might have to change from time to time and that's okay. I'm still learning.

It still hasn't stopped. I'm still getting the same flashbacks and I'm still reacting the same, just a bit calmer. I now have a raging headache as this is being written, it's quarter past six in the morning, I've been awake for two hours when I'm not usually and it's now time to go to sleep. Goodnight.

I thought it was done after that but my mind was still raging in the background and that didn't stop for half an hour following; it just kept me awake for a bit longer when I was convinced I was calm enough to go to sleep. Then I couldn't see straight, it started hurting to look; I had been horrifically crying for so long that my eyes were physically in a numb sort of pain.

So, what did I learn?

I didn't learn much aside from knowing that I can finally notice when I'm having a panic attack. I know the signs that can lead up to it, and although I won't be able to stop all of them, I can stop some. I learned that my usual coping mechanisms don't always work and as much as I know that self-destructive behaviour doesn't help, I now know that it's my go-to behaviour when I run out of my usual mechanisms; I can now change that.

panic attacks
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About the Creator

Bushra Shahriar

A 22-year-old student studying at Keele University - writer and poet.

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