i guess the word is crazy?

It’s crazy to exist in this moment. So much growth has come along in what is respectively a short amount of time, so much that I feel like I have aged decades beyond my years. That is a common fact, the work is tough, and the load is heavy to bare but well worth very cent to work through the tears. As it happens, when life is the balance that she is, something good must good for every something bad; with that logic, after a period of extreme hardship one must experience a moment of unadulterated bliss – in whatever form one defines that to be.

I guess I just find it crazy that it’s happening to me, happy – beyond happy, but crazy.

I have put in my time, that is no dispute. From the thick of it all, I would find myself sleep deprived for weeks on end, some years I would put my body through so much back to back abuse that it started to seep into my medical life, threatening my perfectly clean bill of health. I would often sit for hours sketching, my mother sitting on the end of a phone line. She would just be listening, only speaking when she was struck with an interesting topic of conversation or was prompted by a sudden struggle heard coming from my side as a panic attack would trigger my anxiety to take hold. Talking me from the ledge, I would continue to work through the whole ordeal, she would calm me down and this would continue on for the duration of her call.

Subconsciously, I think I am in love with the concept of the “last minute”. People are always remarking on how fashion happens in the last minute and, contest all you want, they are right. As much as you would like, and for whatever reason you claim to be yours, you will be working down to that last minute and live in a heightened state of adrenaline for that moment and moments after. I don’t think I have been able to breathe for about 3 years 8 months 2 weeks 4 days and 17 hours. But no matter how organized I am or driven to not experience this adrenaline, I always find myself in that final 60-second window. It could be something to do with the fact that people know I can turn out work quicker than any other, any task you give me is no problem – I am a problem solver by nature and let’s just say, I want this done quicker than you do. Basically, they know that I will complete any job they put in front of me to a high quality no matter when they give it to me.

Soon; crazy to think that soon I’ll be able to breath. In through the nose, out through the mouth.

While I am thrilled at all of these prospects and, to be honest, they are larger than life by most perspectives, I have been trying to execute my true spiritual journey and this is a test of my ability to identify with my soul, which operates in singularity. In contrast, your mind runs on a system that utilizes duality, it plays with the extremes of emotions to communicate the feelings your mind is experiencing. The mind is the part that feels. Right now, my mind is running, sprinting, stumbling through its paces, looking for anything familiar to lock onto and orientate herself. She is trying to find any sort of proof that this is all reality, that this is truly happening to her. My soul, however, observes the happiness and excitement, recognizes it for what it is and appreciates it as something that could happen, has already happened and was taken away all in one moment. After significant practice, I have strengthened the connection to my soul to allow this sort of compartmentalization and manifestation; it has often saved me from my own demons.

Demons so terrifying, so crazy they are almost surreal.

One always hopes that they will have changed by the time they graduate college, they hope that they will have grown into the stable-minded, organized individual their institution promised to mold them in to. And, for most, this is a reality they will be lucky to talk about. Others quickly realize that this was not the boat for them and depart the titanic before it is well and truly on its way. Luckily for me, as it turns out, my once rebellious high school mind took to the strict regimented system upheld at my university and did well by the intricate grading process sponsored by my reclaimed birth country. I started to pull A’s in courses I never thought I could touch and succeed in areas nowhere near where I thought to aim.

Coming here, I finally found a place – my place, where I was good, talented and I could be my crazy, creative self.

We are always so quick to wish away a moment in our lives; through a period of hardship or exhaustion, we continuously wish for a time that we are not suffering from the woes of today. What they don’t tell you is after those woes are taken care of, there are going to be a thousand more tailing the previous to forever keep you on your toes. Being the kid that moved a lot, I learned this concept early on, so when I was confronted with my final year of school for the rest of my life, I knew exactly how to play it. I just never thought in a million years, on any universe or in any reality, it would ever turn out this way.

That’s life, she is one crazy, beautiful ride.

I guess that’s a reason as to why I am cautious to celebrate until it is set in stone, I am reluctant to type anything, speak words into existence or throw jinxes wildly into the universe for fear of triggering the rug from beneath me to be pulled out. Tricked by the same maneuvers one too many times before, I am looking to prepare my ducks before sending them out, but in no way will they make an appearance until I receive confirmation from the source.

With something this big, a delicacy is required, a reputation must be upheld.

After weeks of struggling to sleep and heaving to breathe, I am going to bed with a slightly lighter weight off my shoulders. Putting me through this test has allowed my soul to strengthen and my ability to live in singularity is becoming stronger. Tonight, my eyes will close a little softer and maybe my dreams will be a little brighter.

Never living in absolutes, I head to bed.

I need nothing, nor want anything.

Even without the crazy, I already have everything.