I Finally See You, My Dark Vulnerable Self.

I wrote this letter to myself once I confronted the darkness and found a way to love me. I realized then that this could be someone's reflection as well so if that is you and it resonates please read it back to yourself.

There is no use hiding or pretending, I see you have your traumas and your shit to deal with, but I’m here all the time supporting you, loving you, choosing you every single time. I feel your presence, silent but strong, calm but intense. All this time you were hiding from me, all this time you were lost and it hasn't been until now that I found you. You were always there. I see you smiling back to me every single day, I see your beauty, your love, your passion, your happiness.  The way you wear your heart on your sleeve, the way you can love so intensely and the way your kindness is like a ray of sunshine after a thunderstorm. The way your laughter can be heard across the room. Your beauty amazes me, your courage is inspiring, your love is revitalizing, your resilience unmatched. I love you so much, I love you with my entire soul and I am so proud of the chances, the bravery it took you to meet me where we are now. 

I love you, as much as I love me because you are me! 

This emotion, the lack of something I always felt has always been within me! 

I was just lost trying to find me in other people when I was here all along. 

The path towards self love and self discovery is not what the inspirational posts on social media showcase. The near perfect, brightly filtered photos in hot travel spots are not the path to mental, emotional or spiritual balance.

Finding balance is not the state of absolute positivity all the time. The road to self discovery is full of mud and tears, it scratches your insides, it rejects people you once believed were your whole world and it shows you the darkness inside of you so that you are able to see the light that lives within you as well. It gives you anxiety and depression, sometimes both, without a rational sense of where it comes from. It makes you feel crazy and irrational, makes you become hated by those who were once close to you. Heck! it even makes your healthy physical body hurt in pain. However, the moment you start trusting that everything you are going through and everyone you meet are part of the bigger plan to get to your true self and purpose it all starts falling into place. All with time and patience. It will look like your life is falling apart, like the reality you knew is crashing and burning however, the trick is to see beyond the tragedy and the triggers that come with them.

Why am I triggered by what this person just did or said?

Why do I feel so personally attacked?

Why am I pushing away this kind of person for those who hurt me?

Why am I so comfortable?

The moment you accept what the dark and vulnerable parts of you are screaming, is when you can go inward and reflect on who you are as a person and if you need help. Especially important is that by accepting to see your dark side you can see where your fears, anger issues, lack of boundaries, codependency, and inability to give yourself love come from.

Sometimes we have internal issues to take care of that we did not even know existed because they were so repressed inside of us. The reality is that it's scary to bring them to reality by talking or accepting them because then they become real. However, it is important to look at the darkness in the face, fall apart while doing so, but eventually the only way to get out of it is to be brave enough to see what it’s trying to tell us about ourselves.