I don't know.

Trapped. Trapped. Trapped.

Forcing myself to hear the keyboard clicks that refuse to let me sleep even if I could. God knows I want to - or do I? I don't know anymore. That's my answer for most things; sometimes I feign ignorance and other times I don't. I just don't know.

Like right now, for example. I don't know where to go, what to do, if I'm meant to do anything. I can leave, I know I can but... why? What is there for me to go out and see apart from the same useless menial crap. I want to stay in, I want to go out. I want to escape but I'm happy being trapped.

It's pleasant. Nice.

I'm being too nonchalant about this, I know (do I?). But what else is there to do; address my problems, move on with my life after accepting and potentially fixing my feelings? Nope, not with this one. This isn't "feelings" this is me. The raw... no. It's not the raw emotion. Emotions and feelings are the same, aren't they? (What would I know?)

This is something else. There's probably an obscure word for it, or maybe even a simple one. It doesn't matter. It's not about words anymore. It's about who I am as a human being but even if I say that, that one bastard will tell me that human beings ARE feelings and emotions - or made up of them. I don't know.

This is not something I can escape because this is me and I know I'm not willing to change anything about that. Maybe I could, who knows if I should? What I need to acknowledge is that it's there. Whatever "that" is - who knows if I'm being truthful at the end of it all; am I referring to myself or a character? Do you, or I, think/believe they all blur into one? Who. Knows.

I don't.

Do I want pity - maybe? Probably. Possibly. Not from who will give it to me though.... although who else will give it? I try and try to force my (or the character's?) way out of situations but I take the easy route and make it complicated. Overcomplicate the easy things and undersimplify the complex things. Oh, what are words to me anymore? Let me say my piece my way even if it's not correct.

I pause, take a break. A brief glance away and I instantly feel lightened, sweet simple and momentary relief. Until I look back on those words that aren't correct, that somehow speak volumes to myself in a blaise fashion and I recall - or create - a memory. A feeling. Guilt. Knowing I have this time to do... anything? No; a lot. Yet I don't - but people say I do. People that may not even exist. Further extensions of my imagination.

Potentially.

What am I trapped by - where am I trapped in? Why would I start this monologue that way. Boredom? Or the nagging feeling that wouldn't leave me alone as I tried to sleep. Ignoring all the noises around was fine, somewhat routine but...

Trapped. Trapped. Trapped.

Not a mantra, nor chant, just the three.

Why? I don't know.

They say - I say - I'm not enough... no. They don't. I'm not but no one has to say it.

"Don't think that way."

Well why not? Does it upset you, displease you? Are you once again reminded of how fragile other human beings can be? No; when I think that way, you think that way.

And we wouldn't want that.

We wouldn't want a preacher doubting their own faith as their herd looks to them, faithless.

We wouldn't want a surgeon fail to stitch up their own wounds minutes before surgery.

And we especially wouldn't want you questioning your own self-worth as you try to help mine, so thanks but no thanks, I don't need it today (or ever... I think).

I don't want help, but I want to be noticed. I want people to see me in that light but leave me to it.

I'm in a cage, I know I can survive in the wild but the convenience is too great; why fend for myself when I'm content with slow deterioration? Think of a zoo; a bear sits, wanders, does as he pleases - you want to help him get back to his own kind but would you jump in with him? Why?

Why am I... going on like this?

Why am I going on?

Self-worth; maybe. A promise of a future... well I've already told myself how it'll end. No, I'm going on... because. Just because.

Not even that.

I'm going on.

"I'm going on."

I'm.

Going.

On.