I Can't Sleep When I'm With Me

Readers,

I am sure it is safe to say that everyone or at least most people have dealt with insomnia at some point in their lives. Just so you know, this is not a how to on how to handle insomnia. This is a woe is me type situation.

A bit of a back story, I started having issues with sleeping properly when I was in high school, reason being I love to read and would stay up all night doing so. I cant even count how many times I have gotten no sleep nights before exams or presentations. Yes, I am aware of it being an anxiety issue. Hell, I have clearly always battled some kind of anxiety, it just never got diagnosed until my 2nd year of college.

I have been in counseling and have tried the whole avoiding technology before bed and no surprise here it did not work. Instead, I would lay there with my mind racing: what did I do today; what should I have done; you forgot that assignment. Always a constant self criticism at the end of the day.

I have tried drinking tea before bed. That, too, never helped either. It would help calm my physical anxieties but that is about it.

I have tried just exhausting myself and that only sometimes works; caffeine crashes let me sleep.

Over the years, the anxiety at night has my brain feeling like it was on a wheel. No thoughts, just this never-ending busyness. I have also dealt with flashbacks and just downright depression at night. But the worst of it is when I am physically exhausted and feel a part of my brain is exhausted as well and I simply cannot sleep.

I hate it.

This would or at least could be classified as insomnia. Insomnia is defined as a common sleep disorder that can make it hard to fall asleep, hard to stay asleep, or cause you to wake up too early and not be able to get back to sleep.

I did do some research and many sources show that my iron deficiency anemia could be an accountable cause for this. However, I also have been diagnosed with adjustment disorder and needless to say, I have been under a lot of stress and anxiety as of late.

Currently, I am writing this post for here at 1:03AM central time and nothing. I am drinking celestial sleepytime tea in hopes that something will help. Turns out, it didn't help.

But, the only thing that helps my sleep is my hydoxyzine that my PCM forgot to refill. I thought I would give it a shot on not using the meds to sleep but clearly that is not going to work.

It has been three weeks and I have barely slept, my dark circles are getting bad again and I just cant stand not sleeping. It really does have an important effect on your mental health. My husband is gone for training stuff with the army, so the sleep issue has gotten worse. . .

I have begun to fall back into my depression and the negative, self-destructive thoughts are running rampant through my brain.

Am I good enough for him? Is my writing going to go anywhere? Am I broken? Does he actually love me? Was this the best decision?

These are just a few and even that is more than I need right now. What I need is sleep.

I know counselling could also help but I am a newly married Army spouse with little idea on how to even begin. So I guess until then, I will use some of my coping mechanisms. Poetry being one of them. So, I wrote an acrostic poem below.

Sleep.

Someone bring peace to my mind

Let me rest in silence and peaceful state

Envelope me in warmth

Everyone, quiet the thoughts

Please.

Hope maybe reading this, though not helpful really, just lets someone see that they are likely not alone.