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I am scared of deer.

the thought process of someone experiencing fear.

By Andie Rooney Published 4 years ago 3 min read
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I look out the window - there it is. Brown, still, dense- locked in a stare, I am crippled with fear.

I am terrified of deer, have been since high school, I admit with pride. Yes, we're both talking about the same thing here. Deer- the woodland creature that gets this reputation of innocence from the beloved Disney film.

Now, I'm sure you're wondering how I can be afraid of something so common, so unassuming. I mean it's pretty ironic that something that scatters away so panicked at the sight of a human, big or small, is the very thing that paralyzes me. And I'm talking scared- like see one and instantly get this wave of numbness, this pit in my stomach, this blank mind. The fact that I feel fear in the same way this animal feels fear, is spooky in itself. Both so unaware of the others perception. I have the power to scare it, it has the power to scare me. Yet we both choose to flee.

Trust me, I know this doesn't make sense logically. But then again, does anyone understand another's fear, if they do not feel it themselves? They can try, but fear is a very unique feeling - and panic from that fear, even more individualized. When I reflect on this peculiarity about myself, I try to talk myself out of it. Starting with the facts, I list to myself, "you have hit two with your car", "you have seen a lot of road kill", "they're large", "could it be the antlers?". But the panic still lingers. Logic and Fear rarely play nice together and cannot cancel each other out, I begin to understand.

My mind lands on a thought- maybe it's not these mammals with the piercing eyes and burly build that stir up this anxiety inside of me. Even thinking about one, I shutter. Maybe it's this element of surprise that is a part of their DNA and runs with them through the fields, appearing out of thin air in front of your car. I realize, maybe we do have more in common with a deer than we thought we did when it comes to fear. We freeze under panicked pressure, they freeze under panicked pressure, hence the commonly used "deer in headlights" metaphor. Transfixed by this fear.

Dissecting this thought even further, maybe it isn't the deer I'm afraid of, but rather, the unknown. The unknown of something jumping in front of my path at any moment and wrecking my plan. Everything changing in a matter of seconds. The unknown of something residing deep in the woods, in total control of whether it decides to run across the road or remain hidden- the panic that I have no control over that decision. Sitting, thinking to myself, I am recognizing a similarity to those demons we bury inside of ourselves and these four-legged animals. We think we have control of when they will come out and when they will choose to stay hidden, but do we? Or just like that deer in the middle of the road, blinded and frozen by the headlights- is it their choice?

Deer and demons, funny how my thought process has led me to this. Maybe it makes sense, maybe it doesn’t. But then again, Logic and Fear rarely play nice together and cannot cancel each other out.

So I keep on driving, at 12:48 in the morning, anxiously waiting for the next demon to decide to come out, realizing that fear makes no sense at all.

anxiety
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