I am a survivor

Telling my story has never been difficult for me, because no one believed me no matter what I did or said no one would. I don’t remember when it started, I was really young, and my therapist says its normal; to put back the memories so you don’t remember. So, it goes away, but it never does, and I regret every day that I didn’t get to prosecute them in court and tell what they did to me to everyone. One was sicker than the others I remember a particular memory where my cousin and I were in the dinning room together I was sick and had stayed at my grandmother and grandfathers house.

I had just finished the chicken soup with oyster crackers that my grand mother had given me, I’ve always had bad periods since I was younger. It was always something I had gotten used to over the years but then I would make excuses to get out of school so I could curl in a ball on the couch. My grandmother would pick up on it but I was lucky my mom would believe me. It was unstoppable honestly; He threw his book bag beside the couch his and walked over to me moving my feet to the side and sat on the couch to watch Pokémon with me.

“Why weren’t you really at school you don’t look sick.”

Holding my stomach a little tighter as the pain wouldn’t lesson “My stomach hurts that’s all I told my mom…”

Damion smirked his stupid smirk there was a sudden movement, his hand started stroking my leg he got up taking my arm with him. “Well maybe I can make it stop” he took me behind a chair in the living area. “Be quiet or it’s going to a lot worse.” He shut and locked the only door to the room even though there was another without a door on it, it didn’t seem to deter him from his “goal” so to speak. He bent me over the back of the chair and pulled my sweatpants down and pushed my under where to the side.

“Damion I don’t want to do this please….I don’t want to get pregnant right now…”

He didn’t seem to listen as his pants hit the floor he suddenly thrusted into my back entrance after covering my mouth with his nasty hand. I tried not to make a sound he had done this before but this one was more painful. He started thrusting roughly and I just tried to focus on something else anything else! It hurt so much, but I knew it would be over soon normally he took a few minutes before he finished. He suddenly stopped and I looked up to my grandmother being at the doorway. “be quiet, we are gonna do our devotions and what are you to doing?”

Damion didn’t miss a beat with a lie while I silently pleaded for her to come over and help with the stupid story he came up with, “We were looking for something and she felt sick.” My grandmother rolled her eyes and sighed “Fine, unlock that door now.” With that she retreated into her momentary blissfulness, unaware of what was happening be hind her couch.

Damion started thrusting again, I started counting trying not to remember what was happening to me. After two or three more minutes he came I cleaned up in the bathroom and sat with my grandparents to do their devotions. I felt so dirty so disgusting and vowed to stay with my grandparents while I was with them.

I promised myself that I would not be alone with him again, when my mom would work on the weekends I would go to my Nana and Papa’s house on my dad’s side. I refused to go to my grandmother’s house on my mom’s side she thought it was suspicious and just thinks I hate her, that’s not true I just don’t know why she didn’t help me. Although it probably would have helped if I would have told her.

While my cousin was rapping me, my step brother molested me, by this time I had started watching Law and Order Special Victims Unit my older sister was supposed to be watching the both of us, I was told to get under the bed and he would have me look at Porn magazines. And would make me touch myself while he did the same. I don’t remember the exact details Ive tried to put them aside to have a relationship with my stepsister. I would do the same thing I did at my grandmother’s though as mean as my older sister was to me she picked up on it.

She wouldn’t stop asking if I was alright until I told her, she punched him, they fought, she was pulled off by my older brother or my stepfather I don’t know which. My step brother went to Juvie and I finally got my cousin to leave me alone by the time I was 13. I asked him through text message to leave me alone or I’ll tell my mom, he told me no one would believe me.

He, sadly was correct on that I told my mother that night but she didn’t believe me. She then proceeded to tell me what would happen at the trial instead of supporting me. After that she told me that my family would hate me and so would my little cousin who was his little sister, I didn’t want it to happen to her that was the reason I was coming forward. Looking back now I had the evidence to put him away in my phone, I no longer remember the number, service, or even have the phone. I think I threw it away after being scolded by my mother.

She told me I would be alienated from the family and it would be a bad day I didn’t care I wanted to go through with the charges. She then talked with my Aunt about the allegations and she asked him, he “surprisingly” denied any of them. My mom came back to me about his denial.

“He denied it Ellie, I knew you were lying.”

Rolling my eyes I stared into the depths of her soul “He’s not going to admit to rape mother, but I guess you don’t believe me, it’s sad Jack will put his step-son in jail someone he helped raise. But you wont believe your own daughter, just forget about it.”

After that our relationship wasn’t the same, she was always belittling me but as we grew up, I forgave her it didn’t get better though once I was in high school, I got pregnant by my boyfriend at sixteen years old. I didn’t tell him, I did tell him though that he rapped me and that he was not going to come near me again. I waited till after I lost my baby to tell my mother or the father, I even told him he wouldn’t have known nor saw her in his entire life that he was living. But, he never left me alone, begged me for dates and such. I eventually blocked him and went about my life, getting engaged to my (now) ex-fiancé.

After I moved out of my parents' house, I found a roommate situation with one of my friends' “brothers”. He was not a blood relative which I did not find out till I moved in. My friend Monica decided we should change he was there and said he wouldn’t leave the kitchen and how much he would love if I modeled for him.

I said no multiple times before they persuaded me to do it, she lifted my shirt and took it off smirking, “There now they are old news, come on we have to model for Jamie!” her cheerful and up beat voice was sickening honestly, so we modeled some clothes I decided to keep some on threw the rest in the wash and went to the living room to sit down. My room had a bed and that was it, that day I sat on the beige couch and sighed in annoyance. “okay are we done?”

Monica smirked, it felt like knives were being shoved into my face, “were going to dance!” By this time I was tired and just went along with it, she helped me dance she pushed me a little too hard in the middle of the song. I landed on her brother and he put a twenty dollar bill down my bra, my first instinct was to slap him, instead I punch him as hard as I could in the chest.

They said he was borderline special needs but he asked his so called “sister” to do it before me and knew it would make me uncomfortable. He knew about my past experiences, and I told him I didn’t like to be touched he did it anyway. It had made me so made that I punched him as hard as I could in the arm and sat down not wanting to deal with it any more he got mad at me but I only glared at him. No way was he going to intimidate me after assaulting me.

Found out later that he was special needs but the thought of him thinking I'm okay with that type of behavior baffles me. I moved to Arkansas a few months later after him torturing me to be with him and not leave I did anyway. I was later contacted by my friend telling me I owed over five hundred dollars for renting a room with him. She had explained that the money was because my fiancé was staying with me but when I had asked they hadn’t said anything about the price increasing. Or I would have went to a hotel room to get away from them. Not like it would matter though. She said she would take me to court, I told her id go there with the evidence that he was touching me against my will. They stopped contact after that even her.

I never could shake the feeling she was a bad friend, my suspicions were correct when they called the cops on me for taking my things out the house, it didn’t bother me to grab my clothes like the cops said. They had made it clear that they could not destroy my property or go into my room. That I still had given him money for my duration and he needed to leave it alone or he will go to jail they both would. The cop escorted me to grab my clothes and even said I could come back the next day to grab my desk, bed, and anything else that I had in the room that it was to be like it was when I got there.

I mean I could go back the next day the house was to be empty by my friend and her boyfriend showed up. She said I was stealing and I just finished packing the rest of my things and reminded her of the cops warning. Her boyfriend immediately got upset it didn’t help that he had a crush on me, she was even faking a pregnancy test to get him to stay. Once I told him that they broke up, it was petty but she had it coming and didn’t deserve him.

After that everything seemed to be going my way honestly, I was with who I thought was the love of my life and we were happy even if we had to share a camper with his brother; sisters and parents. It seemed alright at the time and did nothing to dampen our infatuation, or what I thought was love, with each other.

Love doesn’t always last though, he loved his video games more than me, after three months of trying to work it out and just getting worse we decided to go our separate ways. My father and mother came to get me but I stayed that time for the simple tactic of trying to work it out. We had suspicions that I was pregnant at the time so we tried to work it out the best we could.

When it still didn’t work my mother and sister came to get me, my things, and my puppy. I did have a orange and white tabby but they made me leave him, chance was a sweet boy but they said he died from a snake bite shortly after I left. I left things there to I just hope they threw them out and didn’t keep them. That would be slightly creepy considering I said I'd send money and he could use it to send my things, but he said I’d must come get it. I even told him I'd give him an extra thousand dollars.

But that didn’t matter to him he wanted to see me and to have control over me, I didn’t give in though. I left the things there with him because he didn’t need the control over me, I wouldn’t let anyone else have control over me again.

I am a survivor and will lend an ear to anyone else who is willing to share their story. I will believe you. I will give you a shoulder to cry on, because I know what it feels like to have no one believe you. You are strong and can be a survivor two.