How to Tell If You Are The Abuser

If we don’t count the 1% of psychopaths among us humans, nobody sets out to be an abuser.

Yet, scores of people systematically abuse others. Some even derive immense enjoyment out of it. But they don’t see it as abuse. Deep down, under layers of consciousness, they see it as self-protection.

Abusers always act out of pain and fear. They always see the action of the other person as an attack. A vulnerable part of them is afraid of complete annihilation. When triggered, it lashes out in a desperate attempt to contain the threat.

And while the underlying impulse is the same, by the time it reaches the surface of our mind it can take a thousand different forms. Some of them, like hitting somebody, are obvious. Others are more subtle. The most insidious kind, in fact, is the kind you cannot stand up against because it’s cleverly disguised as love and care.

On average, people tend to have passive or vague responses to psychological abuse. And while it has lifetime effects, on both men and women who were victimized, psychological abuse is still very difficult to “pin down.” Since we tend to replicate the patterns we experience as children, having grown up in an abusive environment results in a distorted perception of how human relationships work. It is possible to un-learn the misconceptions we were raised with and be able to see through abusive behavior. But this requires some work and, above all, the willingness for self-reflection.

In the grey area of human dynamics, the roles of abuser and abused are often difficult to tell apart. A lot of stereotypes still govern our understanding of abuse. For example, we are still struggling to see women as the aggressor even though aggression in women is usually unwarranted and men are just as likely to be victims of emotional abuse. So if you are caught in a toxic relationship, you won’t be able to solve much if you are led by stereotypes. It doesn’t matter if you are a man or a woman.

What matters is whether an individual in this relationship is acting in an abusive way. And here is how you can tell if this individual is you.

Rigid Stereotypes Masquerading as Intuition

The irony here is that the most suspicious and abusive people believe that they are being led by laser-sharp intuition.

Intuition in relationships does not arise in the head. It’s a soft, fluid force that can change direction in an instant. It arises from the unconscious dimensions of our psyche and has a unique response to every separate situation.

Compare this with a mind that is locked into patterns such as “All men cheat.” “Women only want your money.” Or more subtle stereotypes that often guide interactions with others, like: “If he goes quiet, this means he’s hiding something.”

If you find yourself seeing everything about a person (or a group of people) in monochrome colors, this means you’re not seeing clearly. Most likely, you are projecting your own fears or past experiences onto a brand new situation.

This in itself is not abusive, but it lays the ground for abuse. High levels of anxiety often result in emotionally abusive behavior. Anxiety puts you on the offensive. You start dissecting, suspecting, picking apart. It blinds you to the other person, so no matter what they say or do, you will find a way to dismiss it and distort it.

You Are Obsessed With Control

Some time ago I read a great quote by a person who worked as a couples therapist. They were answering a question about how a therapist can tell who is the abuser in a couple where both people feel abused.

The answer: “The one who tries to control the other.”

Sometimes the control grab is obvious, even to the abuser, though they believe it is necessary. You take over your girlfriend’s finances because she’s bad with money. You’re isolating your boyfriend from his friend circle because they are holding him back. You tell your adult daughter how to dress or how to wear her hair because you just know better than her and don’t want her to look silly.

Sometimes controlling behavior manifests in more subtle ways that, at first glance, cannot even be recognized for what it is.

This kind of behavior is easily defended by the abuser with “You’re making a big deal out of nothing,” because it is not a frontal attack. It’s small, insidious, undermining. Death by a thousand cuts. If someone objects to a single cut, they look paranoid.

One example is incessant nitpicking. At its core, this is an attempt to make the other person match your expectations, all while masquerading as care and concern. “You’re wearing this?” “You’re too quiet, say something.” “Let me do this, you always mess it up.”

Another but similar example? Micro-managing the other person, questioning their every move, asking who called just now, what was said, what happened with this and that, and did they finish the thing they were planning to do, why didn’t they, oh they’re looking at this kind of chocolate in the store, no, you should by this other kind: it’s so much better.

Also, constantly demanding reports and justifications. Forcing the other person to explain themselves to you — from big to small choices, like why did they take this bus and not that one when they went to work, why did they buy this scarf, why are they ordering a steak for dinner.

Of course, there are all kinds of relationships in the world. In some of them, this kind of detailed intimacy is exactly what both partners want.

The problem is when only one partner wants it and makes the other feel guilty for overreacting and not appreciating the “care.” Then it becomes infantilizing. And corrosive to real closeness.

You Deny Any Reality But Your Own

Otherwise known as “gaslighting,” this happens when what you believe does not match what the other person says, so you blankly dismiss them.

When you gaslight another person, you don’t set out to harm them. You genuinely believe that they are mistaken, confused, our out to get you. So you end up saying things like: “You’re remembering it wrong.” “I didn’t shout.” “You’re being too emotional.” “Stop exaggerating.” “It was nothing.”

How can you tell if you are truly dealing with an overly-emotional exaggerated outburst, or you are gaslighting the other person?

It’s simple, really. Is your mindset “I want to find out what happened?” Or is it “I already know what happened, and anything contradicting that must be wrong.”

Another sign you might be prone to gaslighting is if you fall back on stereotypes to defend your point of view. Since this is experienced as a battle between two realities, abusers grasp at any argument that will support what they say. When the specific details of the situation don’t quite fit, abusers reach for gendered, racial, sexual or other slights that aim to undermine the credibility of their partner.

It’s Never Your Fault

This is easy to check by answering one simple question: Do you acknowledge your mistakes?

Deep down, abusers feel very vulnerable. They feel under constant attack — which, they perceive, comes from the outside world. When things go wrong, it’s because the world is wrong. When a pattern forms around them, it confirms their belief about the world instead of making them see themselves as part of that pattern.

When an abuser does see that they did something “wrong,” they always feel they were provoked. It doesn’t matter if they weren’t actually provoked. It doesn’t matter if they were provoked but their reaction was overblown and disproportionate. It wasn’t their responsibility.

And an abuser rarely — if ever — apologizes or even acknowledges in front of another person that they made a mistake.

So ask yourself: Do you apologize? Do you acknowledge, even if only to yourself, that you did something wrong — without immediately negating it with how it was someone else’s fault?

Ultimately, admitting you are wrong is seen by abusers as an abdication of power. A person who feels very vulnerable cannot afford to surrender even the smallest bit of control over their reality.

You‘re Policing What They Say About You

The final piece of reality abusers are obsessed with controlling is how they are perceived by others. While all the previous examples show a certain blind spot, and a certain willful ignorance, here we can see a glimmer of self-awareness.

Do you feel paranoia and anxiety when you think about what your partner might say about you if you’re not in the room? If they go out to meet an old friend for a drink or go to a therapy session, do you feel betrayed and wronged when you imagine them talking about you? Do you see any “outsider” as someone who might try to mess with your partner’s head and turn them against you? Are you a big proponent of “not airing our dirty laundry” in front of outsiders to the point where it is more important to you how things look instead of how your partner feels?

Abusers don’t want the truth about their behavior to be known by outsiders. This is not because they think they’re wrong, it’s because “others won’t understand.”

The Takeaway

All of these examples are waves on the surface. Below the surface is a combination of two simple forces: fear and the desire to control.

Most people are not conscious of their deep fears. All of their behavior is, in fact, geared towards avoiding to look at these fears. Many abusers don’t believe they are afraid. They don’t know — and don’t want to know — how vulnerable they really feel.

But the desire to control? This is always visible if you look closely enough.

Here is a question you can ask yourself: “Do I feel that things can only work out if I am always in control?”

If the honest answer is “yes,” take a break from trying to exert your will on others and try to look deeper within. This is where you will find the answers to all your questions and the true sense of power you are craving.