How to learn to say "no" without feeling guilty?

You may have noticed the difficulty of saying NO to the sometimes insistent solicitation of a friend, a colleague, his or her spouse or even his boss.

You may have noticed the difficulty of saying NO to the sometimes insistent solicitation of a friend, a colleague, his or her spouse or even his boss. We will try to understand what is blocking us.

Education

And yes it starts very early, our parents teach us to be obedient, a nice little boy or a nice little girl they are proud of. As all children need the love of their parents, the latter are sometimes manipulative in the educational conditioning, and some make it clear that being obedient is a pledge of love.

Nevertheless, it is normal to teach respect to your children so that they become respectful and responsible adults, but you must be careful as parents not to play on the card of manipulative conditioning (blackmail), for example: "the mother who says to her 8-year-old daughter, if you don't put on this dress, you won't go to your girlfriend's birthday" or even "the father who forces his 10-year-old son to learn a musical instrument. music like him, while the child hates it, and would rather do judo".

Very quickly, the child understands that if he says "no", he risks reprisals or feeling less loved or even rejected. The child is therefore constructed with erroneous parameters of self-affirmation.

At school

And this continues in school, being obedient, never saying no, favors the attention of our teachers, and we are often appreciated for our kindness by our boyfriends or girlfriends who can sometimes take advantage of it. But in adolescence, it gets more complicated, the personalities assert themselves, and then begins the lack of affirmation of some which can degenerate into power games by others and harassment of the weakest, of those who do not have never learned to say NO.

Socio-professional relations

The fear of saying NO is often very distressing in certain situations, especially professional ones, where the individual thinks he has no right. The pressure is sometimes so anxiety-provoking that the individual gives up, which creates long-lasting physiological and psychological disturbances...

Be careful, knowing how to say NO does not mean systematically and inappropriately refusing everything.

Advantages disadvantages

Advantages

Not knowing how to say NO sometimes saves us from conflicts which can be a serious advantage for some, whether in their couple, in their professional or even friendly relationships.

For some people, not being able to say no is considered a dedication, or a duty/obligation. Some of these people often attribute to themselves the feeling of being a kind, generous, available person.

Disadvantages

Most people remain unconsciously influenced by their upbringing, to say NO is to think that you are inappropriate or afraid to disappoint, not to be appreciated or liked by the other, to expect to be punished, and perhaps even to be afraid to be rejected...

This behavior has more disadvantages than advantages. Because gradually, the individual will feel emotionally overwhelmed, frustration, anger, guilt, low self-esteem for not being able to refuse anything. Which can generate several physical symptoms over time, the body will begin to react to our frustration, and any other repressed negative emotions.

Learn to assert yourself

Saying NO should not be done with aggression or disrespect towards the other.

For example, a friend offers you an outing, and you want to rest at home. Answer him, thanking him or her for this proposal, but that you don't want to go out, that you are tired.

Another example: your boss decides to close an important file and asks you to stay later this evening, when you have promised your children a trip to the circus. Tell your boss that tonight it's impossible, but that you can arrive a little earlier tomorrow morning.

And above all, stop feeling guilty if you decide to answer "no" to a request.

The next time you feel like saying NO to whoever you're talking to, notice what it triggers in you, identify the emotions and perhaps your previous conditioning. Dare to say NO, it is precisely to respect your needs. Everyone is responsible for their happiness, their balance, so ask yourself the right questions about what is blocking you and what is playing or replaying unconsciously.

If you feel that you are in this type of functioning "not knowing how to say no" which can generate constant anxiety or any other problems, do not hesitate to consult a therapist allowing you to work on your self-esteem, and learn to assert yourself more by respecting your needs, and also respecting your interlocutor.