How to help someone with BPD

BPD has hit the news again, and it's an unfortunate fact that most media coverage about BPD has a negative bias that impacts those who have a BPD diagnosis detrimentally.

Thanks to a well-known and highly publicized Hollywood spat, mental health has been dragged into the fray and used as a weapon to win points and dehumanize the person with the disorder, which is unfortunate and ethically, a tad sketchy no matter what you think of the people involved.

It’s a sad but fairly true fact, that once you have a mental health diagnosis it can be hard to be seen as anything else other than your disorder, and it quite often becomes the one defining factor that people associate you with and you no longer represent a multifaceted individual with the same aspirations and ability to express appropriate emotional behaviors as everyone else.

Despite attempts to end the stigma surrounding mental health BPD seems to be one of the disorders that still gets short shrift. Untreatable and the malaise of the hysterical woman seems to be the descriptor I’ve most often heard. BPD does, however, also affect men, and with the right combination of therapy and/or medication it is possible to reduce symptoms and regain some semblance of normality.

As someone who has been diagnosed with BPD here in no particular order are my top do’s and don’ts for anyone with even the slightest interest in a very complex disorder.

• Communicate; if you have BPD and are exhibiting symptoms, communication can be hard, but if you can, let people know what’s happening and how you’re feeling so that they can be aware of any problems that might be coming up and give you either the support and/ or space that you need. Likewise, if you know someone whose symptoms have become apparent, think about offering space for communication to happen and then just LISTEN. Sometimes all that’s needed is someone with a willingness to hear what needs to be said without fear of judgment

• Ask questions; especially if you’ve been newly diagnosed or know somebody with a diagnosis. Don’t be afraid to ask about what you don’t know. Remember though to frame your questions sensitively. “What does BPD look like for you?” sounds a whole lot better than “So, are you AS crazy as Winona in Girl Interrupted?”

• Be patient; Sometimes we have trouble articulating the very thought or emotion that we most want or need to express which can lead to frustration on both sides. Patient consideration goes a long way in making a space feel safe enough for us to convey how we’re feeling.

• Please don’t be tempted to treat appropriate responses to negative behavior from people with BPD with comments such as “you’re just overreacting” “have you taken your meds?” or “is it time to get a different prescription maybe?” People with BPD have just as much right to express appropriate feelings of anger, frustration, and annoyance and it doesn’t mean they’re having an episode it just means you’ve probably messed up and need to apologize the way you would with anyone else.

• Don’t be afraid to reinforce your own boundaries; BPD is often exhausting to live with and sometimes for others to deal with. Have boundaries, it’s healthy

• And finally, don’t be afraid, you’ve probably only really heard about the negative aspects of BPD. But along with the emotional dysregulation, people with BPD can be fiercely loyal, extremely loving, funny and all the other positive traits associated with the humble human being. BPD is just another facet of what makes us who we are.