How To communicate with A Narcissist

When communicating with a Narcissist, the number one thing to do is don’t. If you do not have to engage with this individual, walk away, close down the phone, lose their number, and change yours. Leave your ego on the shelf no matter what they say, because getting a rise out of you is just what they’re looking for and it feeds their need for dominance. They like making your life miserable and making you look crazy and hysterical. The more you react, the more it pleases them. Don’t engage, walk away.

But what can you do when it isn’t that easy? What can you do when this is an ex that you have shared children with and have to still find a way to sometimes communicate?

This is the exact situation I found myself in after my highly toxic and messy divorce from a person who was diagnosed with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. There was no talking to this person, or any chance of a nice mutual exchange of speaking, listening, empathizing, and working together on anything. No matter what I said, even if it was just to say, ‘Child #1 has a test on Tuesday. I know he’s at your house that day, so I just wanted to make sure you knew,’ or ‘Child #2 has a dentist appointment for his routine checkup on such and such date,’ They would find a way to warp ANYTHING that I said and start attacking me for it in some way; usually in a nasty character destroying kind of way.

“If you could actually parent, Child #2 wouldn’t need a dentist appointment. I know they don’t even brush their teeth at your house!”

“Like you ever help him with any of his tests. These kids would be failing if it weren’t for me. You are a disgrace.”

I am not exaggerating and if you’re reading this and in my situation, you know what I mean.

After talking with therapists and my lawyer, who have helped me greatly, they have encouraged me to start using some of these practices to help alleviate tension, my extreme anxieties when communicating with him, and to stop more argumentative complications from arising, not to mention, preserving my own sense of mental health. These really help, so I wanted to share.

1. Do not engage in actual conversation. Report whatever information you need to share as if you are a news reporter. “Child #1 was out sick today due to a fever and stomach ache. I excused the absence from the school. He should be back tomorrow.” End it there. There is no need to explain your decision or argue with anything the other parent might feed back to you, be it blaming you for this issue, disagreeing with your decision on the child staying home, or whatever game they will (and they will) want to play with you. By law, you are only responsible for relaying certain information about health or school so they are in the loop. You do not have to engage in a back-and-forth conversation, definitely not an argument, nor do you have to prove yourself.
2. Email all correspondences when it comes to a narcissist ex when you have children. This allows for everything that you and he said to be documented in case it is needed later in court. It is your safety net. It also allows you time to think clearly and say what you need in a news reporter's way. When we engage verbally, it is a lot harder to control emotions and reactions, and in most cases, the Narcissist will end up dominating the entire conversation, making it harder for you to just leave, or start finding ways to manipulate your vulnerability. Email gets rid of this to a much greater degree. Text, I personally don’t recommend. From experience, that’s a window for them to just continuously harass you with text spam.
3. Only text or call when it involves an emergency. If someone’s being rushed to the hospital, by all means, text, call or pick up the phone to say or see what’s happening. If they text or call in a non-emergency situation, tell them that you will email them. Do respond back if they do, again, unless it’s on email.
4. Remember to leave your ego on the shelf as stated above. They will do everything and anything to get you riled up, upset, or defensive. There is no explaining your side or trying to reason with a narcissist. They will not hear you. They only want the reaction that you give to them, which feeds their narcissism.

Practicing these techniques has helped me greatly. It allows me to have a boundary where I can stay mentally safe. At first, he was very angry, but if he wants to communicate with me, I have a boundary in place. He can email me, I’ll respond when I’m mentally ready with the right words, and the moment he starts to argue or insult me, I do not engage. I said what was needed. I’m out. I can close my email and it’s completely legal.