How Not to Die

When I was in my junior year of high school I started to be more anxious than usual. I began to have insomnia and since I was taking such hard classes and studying for my SATs I became very distant from myself and my needs. Eventually it got to a point where I would spend days without eating a proper meal or sleeping. I am only human, but in my obsession with being perfect I became so ill I was hospitalized for 10 days do to heart failure. My body gave up on me; the lack of food and sleep got me down to 84 pounds, which led to feeding tubes down my nose and painful needles everywhere. I didn’t want to accept it, I always thought this was just a coincidence and that I was fine, I just needed to get through the year and everything would go back to the way it was. However, as you can guess that wasn’t the case. I developed depression and became such a ghost of a person I stopped recognizing myself. This went on for over a year until it became so much for me I started to harm myself in many ways, no need to mention them, you can guess. I became obsessed with death and the peace I thought it would bring me. I planned it many times in my head, I even started leaving notes for my friends and family so they would have something to hold on to when I was no longer here. So, trust me when I say I know what it feels like to see no choice, no light whatsoever in the life you’re living. But take it from a survivor of such a horrible illness, you can make it through.

I was ready to give up, I thought I could no longer handle waking up every day in such pain, the isolation and loneliness I felt could not be fixed with anything, believe me I tried it all. However, whether there is a God or not, or regardless of your beliefs, there is a higher force guiding our lives, and thankfully it gave me a reason to hold on a little longer. My mom got pregnant with my little brother, and he became the only purpose of my existence. He became the reason I got up in the mornings, he became my reason to be alive. I remember going with my dad to Walmart one night and holding back my tears because I decided the day after I was going to end it all, and when we got home my mom informed us she thought she was pregnant. Coincidences happen all the time, but I can’t imagine that was one; I can’t imagine the moment that saved my life was due to some random probability that thankfully turned out in my favor. I’ve never been lucky with statistics.

It was a difficult pregnancy for my mom, but it saved my life and I am so thankful for that. I am so thankful I got to meet my beautiful baby brother. I love him so much and he gave my life purpose in such a dark time, he kept me going and I can never express my gratitude enough.

I guess the message for this story is simple: DO NOT GIVE UP! Regardless of how bad things are, regardless of how tired you are, do not give up on yourself. You’ve been given the gift to live, to make a difference in the world and a chemical imbalance in your brain does not have the right to take that away from you, no one has that right, not even yourself.

The person capable of feeling such horrible things is also the one writing this today, and although I can’t say I am the best example of a perfect life, I am happy for the most part. Life is a pile of bad things with little breaks for happiness but how would you be able to enjoy those breaks without knowing how bad it can really get. I know it’s easy to feel like an outcast when your brain is telling you you’re worthless, but so many people suffer from this illness, I promise you’re not alone. I felt like that once, for a very long time, and what took me forever to realize was the fact that all that happened to me was not my fault or anyone else’s, I was sick, and you don't apologize for having cancer, you shouldn't have to apologize for your brain not functioning properly. The things that you do to kill your sadness do not make you a bad person, and if that means staying in bed all day and doing nothing, then so be it. It is completely OK to be sad, because we’re only human, and even though sometimes we might not see the reason to be upset, it’s there and you just haven't found it or refuse to acknowledge it. I guess what I'm trying to give you here is a little bit of hope, hope that this will not last forever. It will be painful, I'm not saying it won’t, because it’s going to hurt like hell and you will feel like drowning most of the time and you might think you can’t take it anymore and maybe at that moment you can’t but you will get up the day after and keep fighting because you are worth it. Your life has meaning, it is the most meaningful thing in the world.

Eventually, I can’t tell you when because I don't know, but one day you will wake up and you will smile again, and that time it will be for you. And you will learn to forgive yourself for everything, and you will grow so much as a person and life suddenly will have a different beauty to it. Believe me when I tell you that every single moment of pain is worth it. There are no words to explain how happy I am I never did it; you don't know how happy I am to be alive, even on my bad days. I got to meet my brother, I got to go to my senior prom, and graduation. I got to start college and go to scientific conferences, I got to fall in love, and I got to experience what life is like when you find the person you’re meant to be with, and that my friends, it’s priceless. Love makes every single moment I spent wanting to die but didn’t, worth it. Therefore, find your love, find that one thing that will keep you holding on because what I can promise is that life has such fantastic things in store for you and you owe it to yourself to find out what they are.

Stay strong!