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How Narcissists Use Cognitive Dissonance to Their Advantage.

Plus 3 tips to combat it.

By Lena_AnnPublished 2 years ago 4 min read
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How Narcissists Use Cognitive Dissonance to Their Advantage.
Photo by Evan Dennis on Unsplash

What is Cognitive Dissonance?

The concept of Cognitive Dissonance was introduced in 1957 by a psychologist named Leon Festinger. In his book, A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance, Festinger explored the ways in which our brains are hardwired to decode the world around us. He discovered when something occurs that doesn't align with our core belief system, it causes us discomfort, which makes our brains react by explaining it away in order to alleviate the discomfort.

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We experience mild instances of cognitive dissonance more than we may realize.

For instance, when we know we should be eating healthier but eat junk food instead, we justify the discomfort we feel by telling ourselves we deserve to treat ourselves.

Or when we have a crush on someone who tells us they don't feel the same, we soothe our ego by telling ourselves we didn't really want to date them anyway.

Although not entirely healthy, cognitive dissonance is a fairly normal coping mechanism. However, it can become a much bigger issue when we fall in love with a narcissist.

Love Bombing

Anyone who has any understanding of narcissistic abuse is aware that love bombing is a tactic used to lure someone in.

Dictionary.com defines love bombing as:

"the action or practice of lavishing someone with attention or affection, especially in order to influence or manipulate them."

A narcissist will begin a relationship with you by telling you over and over again how special and amazing you are. They will claim to never have met anyone like you. They will say they've never loved anyone the way they love you. They will even talk about the future and pretend to be everything you've ever wanted - purely for the sake of receiving your undying love and adoration in return.

You'll think this person is your perfect match. Your soul mate. "Wow, this person really, really loves me."

But they can't keep up the act forever.

As time progresses you'll start to notice things that just don't match up with your core beliefs about this person. Your brain, desperate to hold onto the fairytale, will start finding ways to explain everything away.

Welcome to cognitive dissonance - a narcissist's best friend.

The Trap

You see, they know you are hooked. They know you believe they are wonderful and that they love you. So of course, when they say something that hurts your feelings - they know you can be convinced it was just a joke. They'll tell you you are too sensitive - and because your brain really wants to alleviate the discomfort of thinking they might not be the great person you think they are - you agree. "Yes, you're right. I'm too sensitive. I'll work on that."

They'll contradict themselves but you'll tell yourself you just don't remember the details correctly. They'll give you the silent treatment and you'll tell yourself you deserve it and you'll try harder not to upset them next time. They'll turn your reality upside down and you'll tell yourself you're losing your mind.

Cognitive dissonance is also the reason gaslighting is so effective.

And narcissists will use all of this to their advantage if you're not paying close attention to not only the words they say, but also the way your brain reacts to them.

Tips for Combatting Narcissist Induced Cognitive Dissonance

One thing to remember at all times is that actions speak louder than words. 

Pay attention if a person's words don't match their actions. If they don't- that's a red flag. Narcissists use empty promises and future faking to keep you hooked. And they take advantage of your belief that they are inherently good so that you'll explain it away every time they flake.

If you find yourself constantly second-guessing your memory - that's a red flag. Narcissists will use your desire to explain away their inconsistencies to turn the blame on yourself. Don't fall for it. If you didn't have memory problems before the relationship began, there's a very, low chance you suddenly have early onset of dementia.

If a person acts completely contradictory to how they behaved at the beginning of your relationship and blames you for their bad behavior - red flag! You are never responsible for how someone chooses to behave. And, unfortunately, the likelihood that anything you say, do or try to convince yourself of will change them back into Mr. or Ms. perfect again…is zero. You were a target. They are using you. And you deserve better.

Conclusion

Cognitive dissonance is a coping mechanism we all use from time to time to alleviate feeling uncomfortable when something contradicts a belief we want to hold onto. Narcissists are professional manipulators and masters at latching onto this tendency and then using it, along with gaslighting, to hijack perception.

The best course of action you can take to avoid falling into the grips of narcissistic abuse is to stay aware. Pay attention. Check your gut and be mindful of the ways your mind processes information when something makes you uncomfortable.

If something smells like a snake and slithers like a snake - it's definitely a snake.

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