How it Feels to Have Depression

Recently, in my home town, there was a teenage girl who wanted to take her own life. Her mother took her to the ER so she could get the help that she needed. They waited for eight hours and then a nurse came along to speak with them. She tells them that there is nobody available from the Psych department and that they would have to call somebody in. She sighs and says, "You aren't going to make me call somebody in at this time of day are you?" This is the sad facts of having a mental illness. You are not considered sick or an emergency. So, to an already young girl that feels that her life is worthless, a nurse just validated that feeling inside her. She wasn't worth calling in anybody in to speak with her, to help her. The next day, the girl took her life.

I, myself, suffer from depression and anxiety. I, too, have felt that my life was not worth living anymore. I had made my mind up to end my life. I couldn't stand the pain and loneliness any longer. I texted the one friend that knew what I was going through to tell him goodbye. He called the police and an officer came to my door. He took me to the ER, got me signed in and left me in the waiting room. I sat there in the waiting room, alone, afraid, every fiber of my body wanting to flee. I waited for eight hours. Nobody came to talk to me at all. I, finally, got up and walked home. I cried all night, feeling like the world had turned against me. I was lucky. I had good friends and a fighting spirit. I came out of it.

I have been thinking that I wish that nurse had known how it actually feels to have depression. I wish that she had known how it feels to feel so ready to give up that ending your life is the only solution. I do know. It feels like you are drowning in a monstrous, stormy sea and you can't swim. Your lungs are filling up with water and you just want to feel that peace knowing that there will be no more pain. You won't have to look in the mirror every morning and loathe what is looking back at you. You won't have to force yourself to take a shower, eat a meal, get dressed, go out in the world as that just to do those small things some days takes everything you have. Every day, feeling that ache in your chest that actually causes physical pain. The anxiety that won't let you breathe. The never going away feeling of "I"m not good enough", the feeling of despair, self-hatred and loneliness. Depression does hurt and it is a never-ending disease.

We need to fight for changes to the health care system and educated society so that the people that need the help will get it. Suicide rates are rising. These deaths can be prevented if help was readily available and accessible. There were over 4,000 suicides in 2019 in Canada. That is a scary number that should be adjusted by providing mental health care to people who need it. Please let us band together and fight to make mental and emotional health a top priority.

Please leave a tip. All tips will go towards suicide prevention. Much love :)