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How I Overcame Body Dysmorphia

How I Learned to Live My Life Without Bulimia

By Ruby-Jessica SmithPublished 7 years ago 5 min read
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Before I begin discussing this topic, please be aware that there will be themes of mental illness, depression, eating disorders, and self-harm.

What is BDD?

Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) is classed as an anxiety disorder, and according to the NHS, "causes a person to have a distorted view of how they look and to spend a lot of time worrying about their appearance." Some studies suggest that it branches into the spectrum of Obsessive Compulsive Disorders because of the obsessive behaviour that the illness can create. The NHS also says, "a person may, for example, be convinced that a barely visible scar is a major flaw that everyone is staring at, or that their nose looks abnormal." Having BDD does not mean the person is vain or self-obsessed. This is an illness and it can branch out into illnesses such as Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia. Almost everyone suffers from low self-esteem at some point in their lives; it's when behaviours become damaging that this turns into an illness. The condition is estimated to affect one in every hundred people in the UK and affects the same amount of males as females. There are many symptoms to BDD that can be found on the NHS website, but I am here to talk about my experiences.

My Experience with Body Dysmorphia

I was looking for help in any place I could find it.

My symptoms of BDD began when I was just nine years old. This was when my anxiety began and it started faking being ill to get out of class. Eventually I got followed into the bathroom to see if I was really "sick" and so I decided to make myself throw up in fear of getting in trouble. My mother took me to the doctor's; I was diagnosed with stomach problems and I faked these for years. At 11, my body was developing, and my thighs were getting thicker, and I didn't like it. I was scared, I thought something was wrong with me and I remember wanting to cut the fat off my legs. My Mum would always make sure I'd eat and so I'd make myself throw up to try and stop myself "gaining weight." I don't know where the obsession came from, it just seemed to creep up. Fast forward a couple of years and my new insecurity was my nose and that was an obsession for me. I tried so many products from the internet to try fix the dorsal hump on my bridge. I was 17 and going to plastic surgery consultations (that my parents didn't know about). By 18, I was on medication and in therapy, but I still remember being in the gorgeous city of Rome wearing a gorgeous dress but looking in the mirror and crying my eyes out and feeling suicidal because my body just looked wrong.

How I Saved My Own Life

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It's easier said than done to "love yourself," and one of the most difficult things I ever did was stop comparing myself to people around me. That action was something that plagued me into hating myself.

The first thing I did was reach out. I reached out on the internet to find people like me, I went to tumblr and joined as many groups as I could. This was great in some ways, but it's important to remember that the people in these groups are ill just like you, and it is possible for them to bring you down and suck you into the hole of self-negativity.

The second thing I did was stop buying magazines. They pan into self-hate and diet culture, and they're a load of trash. They're getting better, but how the system makes people view themselves is not how you should view yourself. Always remember that businesses will try to capitalise on your insecurities. I also joined the body positive movement, joined groups and flooded myself with self acceptance and repeated mantras such as "admire someone else's beauty without questioning your own" and "a flower does not compare itself to others, it just blooms," and that's exactly what I did.

Something else is to start seeing peoples' unique beauty. See what about them is unique but beautiful, and you'll soon realise that people can be beautiful without being conventionally "attractive." I didn't believe these things would work, and they took time; three years, in fact. But I'd try my best to correct my thoughts when I'd have negative ones and remind myself that I wasn't lying when I told myself that I am beautiful in a different way and that's okay. I still often correct some thoughts such as "my nose is too big" with "my nose is elegant and suits my face" or "my eyes are too small" with "my eyes are a nice colour and are cute." I even looked on the internet for ways to help me love myself, and I found an article by Sarah Liston about why she loves her "big nose." Sarah says that the "Punk Rock" movement helped her to love herself. She states, "In the world of punk, there was a refreshing philosophy about looks. If you had zits, you emphasized them by wearing a red polka-dot dress. If you were overweight, you vamped it up with a 1950s rockabilly look. And if you had a big sniffer, you framed it with an offbeat hairstyle." And I did exactly that; I started changing up my hair for fun and I pierced my nose as an act of radical self-love, framing my nose, making it stand out and accepting it for what it is. You can read Sarah's article here.

Again, these things may not work for everyone, but the point of it is that I keep looking for ways to make myself feel better and the reason for this is because I want to love myself and live my best life. You only get one chance of life, and it's not a good life if you're miserable for most of it. If you are going through BDD, try every form of self-love and therapy until something works for you. I still struggle each day, but making sure I correct my negative thoughts keeps me sane. I hope this was an interesting read or at least helped some people.

Much love,

Ruby x

You can find links to help here:

  • NHS
  • Anxiety UK – Helpline on 08444 775 774 or email [email protected]
  • Mind – Infoline on 0300 123 3393 or email [email protected]
  • OCD Action – Helpline on 0845 390 6232 or email [email protected]

  • OCD UK – Advice line on 0845 120 3778 or email [email protected]

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About the Creator

Ruby-Jessica Smith

22 years old, Psychology degree, Pansexual and long term sufferer of Depression, Anxiety and BDD. I post life advice about mental health, makeup and how to function in every day life as a young person.

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