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How I made my Scar Mine

and not his anymore!

By Melissa BaileyPublished 3 years ago 7 min read
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My Phoenix just about finished!

I took back my power today.

****this post has language and is very descriptive****

I discovered on my trip that I hadn't healed from my first husband and the pain our being together inflicted on my life.

In Jan 2004, I was out with my then fiancé. We had yet another bar fight. We were two people that were madly in love with each other.... neither one of us knowing how to handle that love. We projected onto one another....me with my insecurities and him with his passion for creating drama. He liked being mad, he liked having a reason to yell at me...... this fight ended with him leaving me at the bar. I waited thinking he would come back.... but no...he had left me there.

This was before cell phones ..... so the bartender (who had seen more than one of these fights) was like "I'll call you a cab."

My heart was broken into pieces. He left me there. Durning my cab ride (yes I said cab, this was before Uber too) I became insanely hurt which resulted in my being insanely pissed.

When I walked in our apartment there he was.... on the couch tippin back a bottle of wild turkey watching the game. I was so pissed, hurt and tired of the whiskey so I grabbed it and took it to the sink where I poured it out. He came at me, there was a struggle, he was calling me every name in the book.... I remember hearing "you fucking bitch how you gonna pour out my whiskey"..... my heart continued to break. He was too drunk to fight me off so down the sink it went.

In our Struggle everything on the counter of my cute kitchenette landed on the floor. Everything.....my utensils, my knife block, olive oil, my knick knacks... including a brand new set of really expensive steak knives that his mom had gotten me. (Never used(fresh out the package)) we, also, had fallen to the floor across from each other facing one another.... we sat in the mess with all of my kitchen belongings around us, him screaming "how could you pour it out" and me "screaming how could you leave me at the bar." Then all of a sudden he says...."I'm so pissed I could just cut you up in little pieces" I was stunned.... and in shock hearing these words come from the man I loved so much that I thought loved me too..... and in my (never back down, pissed off-ness) I replied you think you could cut me huh?! And then slice. He quickly-- god it was so quick- he grabbed one of those "never used-new"steak knives and cut me. He cut me open like a piece of steak. My arm....I covered it in shock as blood started squirting up from in between my fingers. I sat covering it as if it would make the cut go away. I was so scared to see how deep... it couldn't be that bad right???.....

I stood up. Began to pace to the door and back to my kitchen as blood was squirting everywhere. On me, my face, my apartment, the walls, everywhere I walked. He went into complete shock holding his hands in his hair repeating some nonsense over and over.... I don't remember. I decided to take my hand off of it and wrap it in towels. When I did... instant blooded everywhere just pouring out of me. I quickly wrapped it in towels.... I finally said I have to go to the ER. His only respond was "what story are you going to say" I quickly made something up that appeased him enough to let me go. I drove myself, with my arm butterflied like a filet, to the hospital.

Walking in, the attendant looked up at me in complete horror.... I must have looked awful probably pale with blood all over me and my face.... I said I'm not sure if I need to be here but I cut my arm... she asked to see it and as I unwrapped it more blood just came out of me so fast and she said "uuuuhhh yes you should be here." She looked at my arm, me and then him and she knew-- despite my story....she knew.

It took 3 layers of stitches, at one point you could see my bone. I looked away as the dr stitched me up, explaining about the dissolving stitches for the first 2 layers.....

I looked away like a little girl getting a shot. Oh how I wish it was a shot, I wish I wasn't so scared, heart broken, I wish I wasn't alone. And as I'm dying inside I hear him (my fiancé) say, "wow that is so cool" as he watched the dr. I whipped my head around, and glared at him.... quickly realizing the dr was watching my reaction.... the final pieces of my heart shattered as adjusted my tone from being so hurt, to humor as I laughed and said yeah what a story.... I knew the dr was paying attention. The police were on the other side of the curtain.... why couldn't I say What really happened, why couldn't I say what he did? Idk still to this day... except to say that I loved him. And I was in a toxic horrible abusive relationship and I didn't even know it.

Getting home he blamed me... saying "you know this is all your fault". God dammit how many times will I have heard those words from so many loved ones through my life.... it was your fault I left you at the bar, your fault I was drinking, you fault for pouring out the whisky.... your fault, your fault, your fault. And I accepted it, I said "I know I'm so sorry"

I took the blame and apologized over and over, I begged his forgiveness, I swore to him no one would ever find out what really happened. Let that sink in..... I apologized to him for cutting my arm, I begged his forgiveness.... man.

It was not my fault. Nothing and no action of others is or will ever be my fault.

I thought I was over this... I've been divorced from him for 16yrs....I have forgiven him....

I thought I was over it....until it came up several times while in San Diego talking with my friend. I realized it's what's stopping me, this horrible scar from one of the more horrible, scary, toxic, terrifying, absolutely heartbreaking nights of my life, stopping me from loving my current partner, keeping me in a toxic lust for this same love, and keeping me from growing into who I'm supposed to be and whom I'm supposed to love.

So I chose me! I decided to make this scar MINE. I cradled this scar in a Phoenix..... because I have risen, and will rise from the ashes of any fire I walk through. Over and over again I will RISE. I will rise from this pain, I will rise from being talked about, I will rise from being rejected by family or friends...anyone.....I will rise!

I will always rise - Just like this Phoenix.

I remembered who I was in San Diego and I'm changing the MF'n game! I chose ME and will always choose me! I've taken back my power!

For anyone wondering why I'm fighting so hard to find myself again, to be myself again, to live again, to love again.... this is just one reason why! I will fight for myself...blood sweat and tears fight for me. Bc for 40 years no one ever has!

For anyone man or women in a toxic abusive relationship, please know this isn't your fault! There are people out there to help you. I am here to help you, please reach out to me or anyone close to you, please know you are worthy of love, real true love! You are enough and you are amazing. Please chose you!

If you need help, please seek it. I'm certain had I stayed with him.....I wouldn't be here today.

recovery
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