How I Killed the Voice in my Head

Hello There my dearest reader,

Today’s story is one of a darker nature; the sad truth is the voice that died was one of my only nice voices I’ve ever met, within the confines of my mind. If I was strong enough to apply the same actions to those that berate me every waking moment, I would in a heartbeat. (Believe me I’ve tried)

Before we start I will share some relevant introductory information so were all on the same page. I have suffered with my mental health for as long as I can remember. Personally I feel I must have been born this way, I’ve never exactly had a quiet brain. This often leads to trouble and unfortunately that is still the conclusion that often still occurs. Several voices have lived with my headspace over the years some depart and others fade, reluctantly I have only had one death in my consciousness. I’ve have never been formally diagnosed with a specific condition as of yet. But things that have been mentioned are DID, EUPD, OSDD, Paranoia, Depression, anxiety and Mood affective disorders. Some voices are normal and offer alternative views and interesting conversations some can be positive and praise me to try to improve my mood, but often they are dark. I have felt my mind fracture and demons flood from within many times. I have extremely unorthodox coping mechanisms from self-mutilation such as pulling teeth out or peeling skin back. Gross I know… to simple self-praising and distractions. I am aware that it is wrong however I do not feel myself when these moods overpower me and compulsion becomes my auto.

Right… back to the story at hand. It had been one of those mind-numbingly miserable weeks filled with no end of awful situations, a stream of bad news and stress that came with physical exhaustion. Each and every day seemed to come equipped with its own personal agenda. My bones had started grinding and my muscles contained a constant tension. Sounds both in and out my head to be turned to max volume. As the week came to an end and the weight I had endured finally broke me into a small, weak shard of the whole I once was. I collapsed onto my king-size mattress of isolation and as I lay on my bed, tears gently formed upon my lower eyelids. The children were all asleep tucked into their beds whilst stuffing filled guardians watched over, preventing nightmares from marching into the mouldable minds. My wife out for her usual catch-up with her married friends. A night where the pressures of her life can be ignored, a chance to regain the freedom she once had. My only company were the usual suspects. My everyday voices, three altered tones from a familiar source. I had lived with this company for a long time. A routine had taken hold and there presence became necessary for me to feel normal now. As I was laying there beginning the start of the end, I noticed that I was resting for the first moment all week. A smile flickered upon my lips and then closing my eyes to allow for visualisation. Next came a fluid conversation with my forever friends. These voices seemed to enjoy the contact with myself and things were moving well. They noted we had a hard week and they felt ignored. Even the voices that I would consider negative managed to uphold a conversation with me without belittling me. But then something went wrong. A loud bang!!! Quickly i shot up, nothing had unsettled the children. Again BANG! again no movement from the kids. A lay back down and again a third BANG! then suddenly I felt a sharp pain down my left eye and a pulsation from my temple. Soon began the hateful remarks. “This is karma for trying to be happy, you stupid man!” “Did you really think you could rest”, "CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY" “why don’t you rest properly and end it properly” "KILL YOURSELF". Amongst the Barrage of verbal blows crept a familiar small whisper. The more I tried to focus on the little sound the clearer the voice became. I had heard this voice a few times in my life. Always encouraging me. “It said I believe in you. You just need rest”. But then for the first of now many occasions, the aggression redirected towards the small voice. He yelled at this poor defenceless whisper. “You’re not even a real voice, your nothing he doesn’t believe in you, you have no right to be here; it’s time to end you!” These words quickly bounced around my mind seeking their target. Suddenly a vision hit. It was me, but I was standing over my smaller and younger reflection. I watched as fake memory of this grotesque killing this alternative me. I felt the blood on my hands and my heart began to pound. The voice went quiet and there were no whispers. Just as quick as the temple pulsations arrived it suddenly settled. The pressure within my brain was present however the pain had dissolved. A river of tears flow from inside eyes, waterfalling onto my cheeks. Numbness fills my mind and the voices remain silent. Shock hits my system. It took a number of moments to follow before I truly believed the death was real. I still am yet to hear the voice again. I have accepted that he is gone. His lessons not lost with him. Thank you for reading. Remember Say Safe, Stay Beautiful