How EMDR therapy has changed my life

Therapy has been a part of my life a few times.

I was about 10 or 11 years old when I first went to therapy. Although I don't remember the reason why my mom took me, I only attended one or two sessions. The therapist gave me a Judy Blume novel with half of the cover torn because it was donated. It wasn't all bad, though. I got a book from it.

As a young adult, the next therapist I recall going to was by myself. After drinking too many Jagermeister, my skin was glowing. After I had a real breakdown at the hospital, the ER doctor recommended that I seek medical help. I made an appointment, spent several visits discussing how unhappy I was with my marriage, how stuck I felt, and if I could possibly get some anti-anxiety medication that would help me through this difficult time. Although I can't recall why I stopped going, I think I was not serious about it. I also didn't receive the prescription.

Fast forward to 2012, and I was in a therapist’s office, this again because I wanted to heal some trauma and pain. After having hit rock bottom, and realizing that I was an addict in need of help, I was open to receiving some suggestions. It was also required by the court. The therapist was relatively new to the profession, and eager to share new techniques with me. I was a newbie to Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing.

EMDR, a type of psychotherapy, allows you to quickly process trauma and work through it. You and your therapist sit together in a comfortable and safe environment and relive the traumatizing event. The therapist then moves in a repetitive manner in front of you. You can bring up the image by walking through the event. This will help you to pull the memory out of the depths of your brain and place it in a central location that can be processed. Your eyes are constantly moving back and forth as you relive this traumatic experience. The rapid eye movements can cause trauma or feeling to lose some of its emotional power. It becomes much easier to see the events from a different perspective. The finger's movement becomes slower as you entertain new theories about the trauma. This allows the new belief to take over the old one.

It sounds absurd, right? It was something I also thought. However, I felt calmer that day and had more clarity about the situation. So I put the experience behind me and moved on with my life.

Ten years later, I was plagued by every kind of anxiety one can experience: generalized anxiety, existential anxiety and health anxiety. My world was shrinking and I began to look for fungal medications to help me cope. While I am open to alternative therapies, and it may work for me, that's not always the best option if you are recovering from substance abuse. It dawned upon me that I was planning my next relapse.

I was so glad that I went to therapy.

This time, I chose a therapist recommended me by a friend.

I was so impressed by her beauty that I booked an appointment.

My new therapist asked me about my past and what I had done to get back to the rooms. My new therapist asked me about my family and personal history. I feel so anxious, I am considering relapsing. Naturally, trauma was brought up.

You know what? I have a lot of traumatic experiences. Some I had in my childhood, some I created.

She asked me if I knew anything about EMDR, and I told her about the decade-old experience that I had.

"It has changed a bit since then. These little things that you can hold make it vibrate, instead of your finger. It's not in your fingers, but in your hands. She explained that the vibration oscillates between sensors she'll hold."

Although I am open to trying new things, I have never experienced breakthroughs in therapy, or any of the other traditional or lazy methods that therapists tried with me. I swear, if another therapist suggests that I buy a coloring book or try a bubble-bath, I might end up in a hospital for losing my marbles.

Side note: Please stop being a therapist. Self-care is something we all know. Instagram is everywhere.

My therapist wanted to spend a few sessions with us before we dive into EMDR. It can be very exhausting for several days so don't do it if your body isn't ready.

It was designed so that we could have an EMDR session and then, when the event had processed or lost its meaning, we would stop talking about it and end the session. We would continue to talk about it the next week, but not right away.

Four EMDR sessions were completed. Here are five ways that it has changed my life.

1. As stereotypical as this sounds, I realized that I had spent my whole life trying to prove my father (albeit men I was in relationships or bosses, or anyone who criticized my online actions), that I was good enough and lovedable. That's right. I have only had daddy problems all this time. I could have been knocked over by a feather.

2. Simultaneously I realized that I was capable of loving and being loved. I was always this way, and anyone or anything that makes me feel differently can be attributed to emotionally damaged adults who are sincerely struggling. I was just caught up in it. It doesn't make it right, and it doesn’t mean that I should be excused for it. But it's what it was. I would rather be on their side of these memories than mine. You can't doubt the last sentence. Just think about how difficult it is to be honest about your mistakes with your children or those you love. It was crushing pain, and I regret it. I think I did better than them.

This realization seems obvious. It is. It's not our fault. We all know that we are loved and appreciated. But there is a distinction between knowing what something is. I realized that I was just another kid, and that my anger and abuse had nothing to do w/my worth. It wasn't my fault and I couldn’t have prevented it.

3. Our mothers and grandmothers probably let us down as females. That's okay. All of us are overcoming patriarchal oppression, which many women have learned to accept as their beliefs about their worth and self-worth over the years. All of us were therefore left feeling shortchanged in many ways. My belief that my mom did not love me enough was replaced by the realization that she likely protected me in the best way she could. I was only a child caught up in the chaos of completely damaged adults who would have benefited from some EMDR.

4. Memories, which is to say how we remember the past, don't exist. My experience has taught me that every person involved in a traumatizing event, or any event, will remember it differently. My perception of something is not based on reality. Does that mean I didn't learn from those experiences how to respond to life, my beliefs and how I view the world? No. They are there, but I can see them as if they were happening to me on a screen. I can decide how I feel about it right now rather than being held hostage by it.

5. EMDR can help with a difficult event.

Two days after the session, I was driving home to work when I suddenly remembered many of the positive things I had done and many times I spent time with my children. We were happier when I was there to play with them, or take care of them. This was a significant moment in my parenting experience. I felt shame and guilt for my mistakes. This is due to the fact that I felt unlovable and not good enough for my dad. I couldn't be a good mom if I was not a good daughter. As I drove down the road, I accepted that I was a good mother. I made mistakes but also loved my children and did my best. It was life-changing. I let go of that old belief about me in the car. We never used EMDR to address that belief. It happened naturally, as other beliefs changed.

One final thing, or bonus, about how EMDR has changed my life was that after the countless sessions that followed, I realized that I could relax a bit. This need to be perfect is no longer a reality. All the shame and guilt that came with never being able to achieve that impossible standard are not allowed to consume me anymore.

I want to be able to just relax, love my children and husband, and get to know myself better.

I am still anxious. It's a gift that the universe gave me at birth. Although EMDR didn't change my anxiety, it did help. Now I can trace so much my pain back to one reason. When I use this new knowledge, those new beliefs can be applied.

10/10 I would EMDR again.