How Do I?

by Sarah Barrett 2 years ago in coping

How do I get you to understand?

How Do I?

How do I explain how I feel without sounding pathetic? Depression swallows me whole. It wraps me tightly in its arms and doesn't let me free. It's like a hug from long lost aunt Judy. Unwanted, tight, and uncomfortable. I struggle and fight to be let go of. I cry and plead. It dims the brightest parts of my life. It shows me things I don't want to see when I close my eyes. It whispers in my ear all the negative things about me. It creates me. It makes me who I am. Sounds pathetic, doesn't it?

How do I ask for help? I'm not the type to ask for help. I like being independent. I like managing my problems on my own. I can't bother someone with it, who's happy. I long to be truly happy and I don't want to be a downer. I know I need help, but I can't bring myself to ask for it. My depression is followed by anxiety. It makes me feel like asking for help is a huge bother. Living with anxiety and depression is like constant worrying about dying, but also not caring at all. How do I get over it? I don't. I just deal with it. I wake up every morning unrefreshed, ready to drag through the day. I feel the wrenching in my chest and I ignore it, because I have to smile and tell the customer to have a nice day! My eyes begin to water and I have to act like there's an eyelash in there because family dinner is supposed to be a happy moment. I just... deal with it. How do I feel? I feel like a hand with large claws repeatedly squeeze my insides. My heart. My lungs. My stomach. All at once. I feel like I can't catch my breath. It's a constant pain. It never goes away. Even if I'm happy for a few minutes, but deep down, that feeling is still there, keeping me from escaping the hell in my head. How do I smile? Easy. I flex the muscles in my face in a certain way, and it makes the sides of my lips curl. I don't mean it. It just makes me look like I'm happy, when I have to be happy. How do I feel emotion? It's rare to feel. I almost have to force myself to, Because it's not normal to feel nothing when your cousin passed away in a car accident. I'm constantly numb, spaced, and unaware of reality. It's not because I don't care. I truly do. I just can't feel it. The chemicals in my brain are unbalanced.

How do I sleep? It's hard. When I close my eyes it's like a movie in my head that I can't shut off. Thoughts, images, words. It's chaos in there. Imagine someone in your face, telling you you're worthless, a mess, going nowhere, and that you're unlovable. All while in the background, you see images of your dog hanging from the ceiling and your baby sister being ripped in two by a tornado, and... you can't feel scared. You just feel... nothing. I lay there until I fall asleep. Sometimes, rarely, it takes 20 minutes. Most of the time it takes a few hours. Then I drift off into a deep sleep. There's nothing. No screaming or crying. No pain. There's peace and quiet. It's my only break from the mess that goes on in my world. How do I find a relationship I'm happy in? I figure out what I want, and what I need, and I find it. Someone who understands me. Someone who cares. Someone who can hold me, a lot. Someone who makes me feel safe enough to fall asleep. Someone who quiets my thoughts. Someone who makes that smile involuntary and real. Depression doesn't stop me from loving. That's all it allows me to feel. I find someone who brings that emotion out, and I love them with all I've got. They saved me. He saved me. Larry saved me. He holds me tight. He quiets my mind so I can sleep. He makes me feel safe and wanted. He makes me feel worthy. How do I get you to understand? I don't. That's up to you to figure out.

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