How Addiction Saved My Life

Oh, I know. I never thought I would ever be writing the words that my addiction saved my life, but here I am to tell this riveting story of exactly how that happened. I'm hoping my story can save you or someone you know from addiction and change your perspective on this matter. The judgements around addiction and those addicted to substances, or anything for that matter, needs to end.

Addiction doesn't start with substances. It goes much deeper than that. Those who branch into addiction are looking for something, anything to make their life experience better. When you're younger, you might turn to food, shopping, or binging TV shows. Eventually, you might 'graduate' to other addictions and branch out. This graduation is what happened to me. In high school, I was very straight edge. I didn't drink and honestly felt uncomfortable around it. I wouldn't put myself in partying situations because of my family. I was too scared of what would happen inside my home if I ever drank or did drugs, or even to engage in sex. I had my eyes on the prize of making it out of my town and finding 'my purpose', or whatever was out there that my soul was longing for. But in high school, I excessively shopped and ate terrible food. Food that never nourished my body. Those became my addictions. I eventually branched out to relationships because the bullying was so bad and I wanted a 'safe haven' with someone. Someone who understood me and understood the pain of this world. This relationship fed into more addictions and created even more chaos in my life.

I will always be grateful for Divine intervention and the universe taking me out of that relationship. At the time, I thought my world was ending and I spiraled, but it was solely because of the abuse I had endured during the relationship that caused me to think everything was my fault. I thought I was going to marry that man. I had our life planned out and I knew I was settling. I was okay with settling too because the thought in the back of my mind was 'this is the best love I will ever get and I need to appreciate what I have.' He was controlling and he enforced the no drinking or drugs that my family did at the beginning of college. We had quite a rough breakup and I immediately went to partying and one-night stands even though I knew that was not me. I'm so grateful that sex had such a negative impact on my mental health that I never turned to that more than a couple of times, especially after a few experiences in college where I was assaulted. The assaults reinforced how alone I was and I needed to continue partying, and then eventually I started to branch out to drugs to help cope with what had happened. Smoking marijuana was easier and better for me than partying. In my mind, I was at least safe, in my house, and alone. No one could hurt me. I was disembodied, but no one could take control over me. I could be in control as much as possible.

Seven years go by and I'm still endlessly smoking, suppressing every desire to kill myself or branch to other drugs to end it. I never thought I would be the one who went to work high. I never thought I would be the one who woke up and smoked at the beginning of the day just because I couldn't handle one more second of being alive. The hardest part was I knew I had to stay alive. Not that I had to, but the universe wouldn't let me die.

I had so many near-death experiences through those seven years. I was almost hit by a train. And I'm talking the train grazed past me and pulled my jacket trying to suck me in with it. My blood and body parts would have covered the streets of downtown Prague and the people walking along the streets to the bars. I had woken up in my bed soaked in puke with it all over the walls and me wondering how I did I not choke on it while I slept. There have been so many instances like both of these and even more that I have no recollection of because I was constantly high, or blackout drunk. I had no will to live. I was solely passing my time, the best way I could, until it was my time to finally die.

Fast forward to February 26, 2021, and this would be my last near-death experience. This was my final Divine intervention before there could be the possibility of me going too far and engaging in the drug that I had promised I would never do in this lifetime.

Early that morning, I was fed up. I had been on a long two-year journey of really getting my act together. I had been slowly getting it together since 2015, but I really stepped it up in February of 2019 because I knew if I had to keep living, I wanted to at least be happy with myself. I couldn't keep living in the misery that I was. This misery was decaying not only my body and mind, but my spirit. I was in my apartment talking to myself about how I had done all of this work over the last five years and felt like I was still at square one. I was so defeated. Deflated. I had no hope and I was ready to take action in finding heroine as I knew this was my way out. I had been thinking about doing it for well over a year and I knew I would die within a few weeks after my first time. There would be no going back and I was okay with this. I felt serenity knowing I could have the end I had been desiring all of my life.

I smoked earlier in the day and was meeting with a friend for her birthday lunch. I went about the day going to grab her a present and was on the way to meet her when my last and final wake-up call brought me to my knees.

Reckless behavior was something I had picked up as well to help me accomplish death. I always thought of it as a game with the universe, trying my best, to see if I could get myself taken out. It was like a game of Russian roulette with the universe and I loved playing games. I felt vengeful and loved the high after my near-death experiences. These were some of the only moments I actually felt alive. The day was dreary and it had been raining just enough for the roads to be 'ideal' for hydroplaning. I didn't set out with this in mind, but that is what happened.

I turned on the exit and my car completely spun out. I felt it coming. My breaks locked up and my immediate response was within a split second I could decide to steer my wheel completely to the left, flip my car and die, or I could grab my wheel, turn to the right and hold on for dear life. The choice was mine.

In my near-death experiences, I somehow always pull out my strength and dug deep for my will to live a better life. A life that I had always desired and dreamed of. In this moment, my will to live was so strong I knew I needed to at least try to survive.

Well, here I am.

I did survive.

Not only did I survive, but I just whipped my car in circles. It was like a quick merry-go-round. I didn't flip. No other cars were around me. My car even just slid off of the road and into an easy-to-manage patch of grass without it being a ditch. I was alive. I was safe. Not only that, but I didn't hurt anyone else or my car. I could even drive away, pretend that this never happened, and go about my day. Luckily, the grass was wet so I couldn't drive off as quickly as I wanted to. I sat there, called 911, did everything I knew I needed to. Lots of people stopped to help, but I kept flagging them away letting them know I had a tow truck on the way to help me get my car out since the wet grass wouldn't allow my car to get out.

I was having issues with my insurance and the towing company, when all of a sudden a man pulled up to help. For some reason, I allowed him to help me because I felt his presence. Pure comfort. And the first thing he asked was did I need a hug? I'm not someone who allows people to hug me and I immediately said yes. He told me everything I needed to hear that day just by reassuring me what strong of a woman I was. How independent I was. How truly blessed I was. Everything that I already knew, but I needed it to be said in that exact moment. I will never forget you, sir. He directed me on how to get my car out of the ditch, complimented my amazing boots, and held onto my car window as he ran alongside my car to guide me out. As I was driving away, I yelled out to him that I love you.

I knew I needed to get sober for almost a year at that point, but I hadn't. I didn't think I was strong enough, or that it was even worth it. But I decided that day this had to end. I was tired of my near-death experiences to wake me up from what I was doing to myself.

That night, I realized that my addiction had actually saved my life. I reminisced over all of the years, everything I had done, and I realized that my addictions, every single one of them, was me trying to grasp onto anything in this reality to keep me alive. To numb what I felt, how I didn't feel, and how I never felt like I belonged anywhere. That I wasn't meant for this world. There was no reason to stay alive. Every single thing that I had felt over the years.

My addictions truly kept me alive so eventually I had the chance to take my life back from them.

Well, I did. I'm in the beginning stages of being sober, but I was someone who never thought in a million years I would be. And I know that you can take your life back from your addictions too. You deserve it. You honestly do. You did not choose to have these addictions. You're just numbing in whatever way you possibly can to make your life experience a little bit better.

I hope my story gives you the hope you've been desiring to face those demons. I was numbing my core wound for years. I didn't want to face it. I wanted to do anything but that. But I want to give you hope, comfort, and understanding. I want to witness the judgements you place on yourself with your addictions, or the judgements you place on others for theirs. Everyone deserves to be free from this judgement as we're just trying to cope and live.

I hope this gives you the medicine you deserve.

Be nice to each other. Listen to one another. Support those around you. No one is better than the other. We're here on this world to co-create and expand our consciousness to bring in a higher level of love to this plane.

So, please, if you do anything today, smile at someone, check in with someone, do whatever you feel comfortable with to let someone who struggles with addiction know that you're there to support them in a way that allows them to thrive past addiction.

They deserve it and you do too.