Homichlophobia

Ever since I was little, I had a fear of fog. It was triggered when my dad went to take my sister and me to get a Christmas tree on a December night. The road was in a rural area and there were no lights on the streets. The fog was so dense that he turned down the radio because he was too distracted. I could not read my dad’s mind, but I felt that we had the same thought: please just let us get home safe. Then, out of nowhere...my dad ran over a person. He came out of nowhere and was wearing dark clothing. The man did not live. He was only 23. My father was so scared, he drove off.

All I could think of was that night. How the fog was so dense, we could not see a human being. My father went into a deep depression. He was afraid to go anywhere when it was foggy. One day, I went to school. He told me that my sister and I would be walking to school. I did not understand at first since he takes us to school everyday...until I saw the fog. Outside it looked like heaven. I could not see much outside. I walked outside and it was quiet. Eerily quiet. You could literally hear a leaf fall. I walked slowly but I knew my school was only a 10 minute walk.

Then, the fog got thicker. It was then that I could not even see the streets. I barely saw the front of my hand. I panicked. I tried to walk slowly so I could see something, anything. It was so quiet. I heard someone jogging but I could not see them. They passed me very fast. I jumped. I decided I needed to move faster. I forgot that my little sister was with me. I walked faster and eventually tripped over the sidewalk. I saw a dark shadow walking ahead. It scared me because they were tall. I trembled more and more and started crying trying to run to school as fast as possible. I ran and noticed the traffic light was green. I was in the middle of the street and a car was heading towards me. I didn’t know where to run and eventually, the dark shadow grabbed me. It was my father.

He held me tight and apologized. I seen my sister and I cried and held her. He walked us to school. I felt better. Until, My sister and I got a call to come to the office. He did not show up to pick us up. Our dad was in a hit-and-run. He did not make it. Ever since that day, I have had a fear of fog. I no longer want to go out when it is foggy. I have had panic attacks when it is foggy.

It has been 20 years since our father was killed. My sister takes care of errands for me when it is foggy outside, even though I worry for her. However, she is pregnant. I understand that she can no longer do errands as much. I have been visiting my therapist for a few years. I am lucky she is within walking distance. After our session, I walked home. I saw the fog coming in. I took a deep breath.

Homichlophobia: fear of fog. It was slowly appearing in me, but at this moment I just took a deep breath and walked. Before I knew it, I was in my apartment. I felt a little bit better and empowered. Even though it was a short walk into the fog, I got to my apartment. I did not hyperventilate when the streets were not visible or when I heard chatting but could not see who the people were that were chatting. I took a hot bath, watched my favorite tv show and went to bed.

Then, the phone rang at 3 a.m. It was my sister. She was going into labor and needed me with her at the hospital. Her husband was out of town for business but would be back within the morning. She was scared. I was scared. I wished that she did not need me, but that was selfish. She was there when I needed her; even until a couple of weeks ago. I began to hyperventilate looking outside at the fog, until she said to me softly…

“I need you”

I closed my eyes, took deep breaths and decided that I needed to be there for my sister now more than ever.

“I’m on my way”

I got into the car and as I started to drive fast, I saw the fog right in front of me. I drove slowly. The hospital was 20 minutes away. Fuck me! I drove 15 miles under the speed limit. I started to look down on the ground to see the lines and felt a little more confident in my driving. I now drove 10 miles under the speed limit. I was more into the city where there were more lights. I was able to see the signs and lights. Now, I was driving the speed limit. I was now 10 minutes away from the hospital. The light was turning yellow and I tried to go fast and make the light. Until I heard a thump.

I hit someone. The fog got extremely thick again. I hit someone. It was a young man. He was in pain. I did not know what to do. Do I call 911? Do I leave? Do I stay? It was then, I remembered the young man who was killed by my dad. I loved my dad, but I could not do what my dad did.

“Sir, are you okay?” I said.

“No, I’m not okay. I am in pain!” he said. “Please help me. Don’t...don’t leave me like this!”

I could not leave him. I saw that young man again. I had no choice. I called the ambulance and told them about the incident. I wanted more than anything to just leave, but the ambulance said that due to the weather and high volume of emergencies, the wait was going to be long. So, I took him to the hospital myself.

He can’t die on me. My sister needs me. My fear does not define me.

I took deep breaths and I looked all around my surroundings. I was not going to give up this easily. I drove the speed limit. I was almost there. Then, the fog not only got thicker, but the lights were no longer visible. All I could depend on was the roads. I could barely see so I turned on my high beams. BIG MISTAKE! The fog got worse and I began to swerve. I no longer knew which way was the right way or wrong. I hyperventilated and cried. Until the young man heard me. He spoke to me.

“It’s okay, it’s okay! Calm down”

“I’m sorry!” I cried. “I have a fear of fog and...I can’t do it.”

“Yes...you can. We are almost there. Just breath. Why don’t you talk to me while you drive?”

“I can’t even see the road!”

“I can! Look, you are not on the wrong side fortunately, but you...you will have to do a u-turn.”

“Okay.”

I calmed down a little. He guided me where to go. He was my eyes fortunately. It felt like forever but... I saw the hospital! I was so distressed that I almost forgot to park. I walked the young man inside the hospital.

“You did it! Thank you”. He said

“Thank you for keeping me calm. What is your name?” I said.

“Jimmy.”

“I will be in to visit you Jimmy after I see my sister.”

“No problem”

Before I can ask for my sister’s room, I heard her yell my name. I knew to go see her immediately. My sister gave birth within three hours. She had a boy. My nephew is now my pride and joy. I held him while she slept. As I looked outside, not only was the sun coming up, but the fog lifted. Not only did I see the silver lining outside, I was holding my little silver lining.