Hi, I'm CJ and I Am Depressed

Hi, my name is CJ and I am depressed or to be more specific, have High Functioning Depression (HFD).

Let's start from the beginning, shall we?

The day I was born, I came out earlier than expected. A premature baby. A size so small, you could fit me inside a shoe box. Even with a baby that small, I bear a large defect.

A Heart Murmur plus there was also a hole in my heart. (yay me!)

It's gone now that I'm older, but it still has an effect on me. I couldn't tire myself and I have to be mindful of my heart or else I could not breathe.

That was my life throughout Primary and High School, and it sucked because I loved running, dancing and basically anything that requires me to move a lot.

After my Dad passed away very suddenly, it triggered things I was already fine from, and added a 'lil more spice. You can imagine how that fucked me up and mind you, I was already fucked up. I visited the hospital A LOT. Five years in and out, and I was diagnosed with First Degree Heart Block. FDHB is a disease in the electrical systems that make my heart beat slower than normal people. I was also diagnosed with Dysthymic Disorder, or Acute Depression. Its symptoms are similar to major depression but are less severe. However, symptoms last longer. I had symptoms for more than two years so I have dysthymia.

I was given the option to see a psychologist but I chose not to. My dumb self was scared to and, honestly, I wish I did see a psychologist because maybe it would be easier to cope with life at the moment. (oooh, very dark Chrysilla.)

This is sounding like a sob story and trust me, I don't want your pity. I am just writing this for myself.

It's very hard to spot people with HFD. They can be going on with their day, completing tasks, live. We can still function in life, for the most part. But when our day is going smoothly, it doesn't mean it was easy.

Here are some things I want you to know about Depression:

1. We come with Anxiety

We overthink a lot and it sucks because we know that it's just in our heads but we just can't keep the voices down. Some days it's just emptiness in our heads. Nothing but silence.

2. We know our energy drains you

We know this and we're truly very sorry about this. Don't expect much energy from us during these days. We know it wears people down but bear with us, please.

3. It's a long healing process but hey, we're healing

When depression strikes, there's never a reason for it to strike. It won't always be like this, you have to trust us.

4. Our bad days do NOT define us

If you see us not being "us," ask us what's wrong and if we don't answer right away, we eventually will in the time being. Be prepared for mood swings and don't take our reactions personally. Know that we are genuinely happy when we are with you!

5. Communication may be hard for us

It takes up a lot of courage to talk about our feelings. From experience, I think it's always the empath that is most likely to be depressed. We experience sensory overload. We're the ones listening but not always the one being listened to and at times when we are being listened to, it's hard to find the rights words to say. We also tend to say sorry a lot especially about how we feel and it's sad that we have the need to apologise for how we feel.

So if once we mustered up the courage to talk, will you listen with an open mind? No comparisons, no belittling words, no impatient attitudes, no saying we're not your responsibility (because we absolutely know that we aren't). Just you being present with us now?

6. We don't want to be a burden to you

We feel like we aren't good enough but we don't show it. We're constantly "putting on a show" especially on bad days. We want to show that we're okay even though we're not and it's stupid. It's stupid that we have to fake how we feel but to save you from us, we're also thinking about how it would affect you so we got to keep our act up. We feel that you're tired of hearing negative things from us so that's why we'd rather keep our mouths shut and our thoughts to ourselves.

If you catch us zoning out, kindly give us an encouraging gesture like a pat on the back or a smile. That would help make us feel easier throughout the day.

7. Please be Patient with us

When times are tough for both of you, especially for those in a relationship, hold on. We need you more than ever. A call/video call, a text, meeting even just for a few hours, heck, we'll even appreciate the hell out of you for just being here through thick and thin. We know that the only way we'll overcome this is within ourselves but we may need a little push here and there. It's nice to know that we're not alone in this war with ourselves. Patience is key.

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To all my friends and family reading this.

Hi, hello. I bet I put you in an awkward state right now since you know I'm depressed but I want you to do just one thing for me.

Treat me like the CJ you know.

You can keep in mind that I do have depression but I am still the same CJ that you know.

I may lose interest in the things I love, I may come out as lazy and unorganised, I may ask stupid questions, I may lack the motivation to do anything, I may joke about death or think about death sometimes, I may push you away but please, don't treat me like a ticking time bomb because I know I am and I am finally getting help.

I am bettering myself. I will make myself better. All I need is your support through this hectic journey. A hand to hold. A light to be inspired by. A motivation to live better.

For those who were there for me, I appreciate you. I love you. I thank you.

We're not born into this world alone. You needed a nurse to help you take your first breath for god sake. We're always surrounded by people so help. Help those in need.

Asking for help is not a sign of Weakness. It's a sign of Strength. 

So hi, my name is CJ and I am Depressed.

To anyone who needs to hear this, please click:

This is one of my favourite slam poems and it's worthy of sharing.

If you need help, check below:

HONG KONG (+852):

The Samaritans (24-hour service)

Hotline: +852 28960 000

Website: samaritans.org.hk

Suicide Prevention Service

Address: G/F, 14-15 Yat Tung House, Kowloon, Hong Kong

Hotline: +852 23820000

Website: sps.org.hk

Opening hrs:  Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun 00:00 - 23:00

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA:

Crisis Text Line

If you are in crisis, reach out for help. Text REASON to 741741.

http://www.crisistextline.org

Free, 24/7, confidential.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

DIAL: 1-800-273-8255

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

UNITED KINGDOM:

Samaritans

DIAL: 116123 (free)

http://www.samaritans.org

Childline

DIAL: 0800 1111 (free)

http://www.childline.org.uk

Rape Crisis England & Wales

Call 0808 802 9999 (12 noon—2.30 PM and 7—9.30 PM every day of the year) or visit http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk for local specialist services.

FOR MORE COUNTRIES:

please visit https://13reasonswhy.info/?country=58 and select the country you live in.

Check out these websites to learn more:

What you should know about High Functioning Depression: https://www.healthline.com/health/what-you-should-know-high-functioning-depression#8

The thing no one tells you about depression: https://thoughtcatalog.com/jordan-devera/2017/10/the-thing-about-depression/

Things to never say to someone with depression: https://www.rd.com/health/wellness/things-to-never-say-to-someone-with-depression/

Tips to help your friend or partner who struggles with Depression: https://www.google.com.hk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/modern-sex/201605/5-tips-dating-someone-who-struggles-depression%3famp