Healing my Heart and Body

I’m finding that as I am getting older life is beginning to be more complicated. You have to deal with relationships, friendships, illnesses, death of loved ones and self esteem issues. I have been thinking about my life and where I am at this point. At the age of 41 I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and last year I finally divorced from a marriage that felt like I was in a Tyler Perry movie.

I am now Healing my Heart and my Body. My marriage was a huge hit to my self-esteem. He cheated with women of all walks of life. I suffered from both physical and emotional abuse. When they say it's easier to heal from physical abuse than it is to heal from mental abuse, I am learning that phrase is definitely true. Being a MS Warrior isn’t making healing any easier whether it be physical or mental. MS symptoms include depression, anxiety and muscle weakness. So symptoms that affect your mental and your physical. Now you understand why I call myself a Warrior. I am in a battle. I am in a constant fight. I am fighting to heal from the hurt I’ve experienced in a hurtful marriage. I know there have been millions of women who have had to heal from a bad marriage. Healing both from a bad marriage and an autoimmune illness is the biggest challenge I have ever had to deal with.

I am currently in a relationship and my insecurities from my marriage tend to interfere every once in a while. I second guess a lot of what he tells me. Sad thing about it is I can’t tell if my suspicions are warranted or I am just suffering PTSD from my marriage and previous relationships. Prior to the relationship I am in now, I’ve dealt with a guy who had a live-in girlfriend, a guy who told me I was handicapped and a guy who was secretly still seeing his ex-girlfriend.

These experiences have really hit my self-esteem really hard. Then being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis hasn’t helped. I prided myself on my looks and sex appeal. Lately I have been having trouble walking. I am constantly tired and in pain. This makes it very difficult to be sexy. Sometimes I have to use a cane to walk and I can no longer wear heels. Flats aren’t very sexy. So now I have to heal my heart and my body. It is a lot of work to heal both. I am now seeing a life coach to help with my mind and body healing. I am working on speaking up myself. I tend to tell people what they want to hear or keep my feelings to myself to avoid confrontation. I am at the point in my life where I just want peace and happiness. I have been feeling like I gave my ex husband my best years. Nowadays no one values love and honesty. It's so easy for people to cheat. Social Media gives men access to women all over the country and with inbox it gives a secret way of interacting. Women are so easy too. They have no problem with exposing their bodies and pride themselves on taking someone else's mate. There is quite a bit that I am up against.

I have been finding that lately I worry about everything. My health, my parents health, bills, my job, my future, relationships, friendships, the state that the world is in etc. The uncertainty about everything bothers me. I know stress and anxiety is not good for me but it's like mine is on auto-pilot. I’m also trying to be more assertive and speak up for myself but then I worry if I’m going to hurt someone’s feelings. It’s so confusing. When I was little I wished so much to be grown but now I wish to go back to the comfort and security of my mother's womb. I don’t like it here.