Happy Mother’s Day

There are flashes of memories here and there of you. Nothing substantial though. As an adult I wonder what I did. What did I do that was so terrible as a kid that made you walk away from me, without even so much as a second thought? Was my behavior bad? Was I rude? Did I not follow your instructions? I realize you will never surface again to give me answers. So, I am forever left with memories, and doubts.

I do have a few vivid memories with you; not all great, but not all terrible either. So that is promising. There were times that I was so petrified to talk to you I would write you notes on scrap paper and pass them to you. I would hunt for a scrap piece of paper and a crayon. Scribble onto the paper ‘can I go to grammas house’ with a check box for ‘yes’ and a check box for ‘no’. Then I would leave it in your chair or slide it under your bedroom door. Waiting patiently for you to surface and finally read it. I knew you would always say yes, because you were always eager to get me out of the house.

There were times when you would have a boyfriend over and be in the bedroom for hours at a time. This was a great relief for me because I had free reign of the television and fridge. I convinced myself he was occupying you so that I could get a break. Although when I was that young, I never knew what he was doing to occupy you. Now, as an adult, I am fully aware. No judging here though; you had to do what you had to do, right?

The most significant memory I have is the exact moment when you went from being somewhat of a mother to me; to being a stranger. Remember when you shipped me off to live with my oldest sister and her family? You thought it was a perfect solution to your ‘problem’; which you vocalized was me. You thought she was a great parent of her two toddlers. You thought she was a perfect wife to her husband. You thought they were the ideal suburban family. Until I called the police because her husband abused me in such a way it should have disgusted and outraged you. But it didn’t. That was when I realized you were not the mother I needed or wanted to emulate. You accepted what he did to me, you took his side, and you convinced the police I was a liar.

Since it has been so long since I have had any contact with you; memories are fading. I am perfectly fine with that because you taught me one of the most valuable lessons of all time. How NOT to be a parent. I have successfully raised my son into his adult years, and he has done a fantastic job with his life so far. He is serving in the military, just like my dad did. He is married now and values the relationship with his wife wholeheartedly.

My entire relationship with you was not terrible, I don’t want you to think that. I am thankful you chose not to abort me; you gave me a chance at life. Even though you made it clear the only reason you didn’t go the abortion route was because my dad was opposed to it. I only regret he passed away so early on in my life that he could not be here to protect me; because I am certain he would have.

I am just going to end this by saying Happy Mother’s Day! I hope you enjoy it with the other three children you chose to keep, when you made the decision to give me away to the state to finish raising how they saw fit.

Love,

Your Daughter [Only by Birth]

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