Happiness By Design

Alice Bouffant stood in front of the Jungle Boat ride at Disneyland and tried to calm her nerves. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all. Her magic pill wasn’t working yet and she was starting to have a panic attack.

Mandy, her niece, put her arm across Alice’s shoulders. “Auntie, are you alright? Is the pill working yet?”

Alice gulped air into her lungs. “It will. I’ve missed out on too much of life already. Let’s go.”

By the time the boat started moving, Alice was feeling perfect. The doctor had promised the pill would erase all depression and anxiety and it certainly delivered. He hadn’t been able to promise the bright blue sky and the perfect day, but Alice felt it in her pores and smiled.

So this is how normal people feel, she thought as she gazed joyfully around her at the jungle wildlife. She felt completely happy and at peace for the first time in memory.

She flew happily through the morning from ride to ride; not just the gentle ones, but rides that went through dark tunnels and high in the sky, rides that spun and twirled, and haunted mansions that made her scream with delight.

When they stopped for lunch Mandy asked Alice how she was doing.

“Is this what the world is really like? It’s so fast and chaotic. I don’t think I’m cut out for this.”

“Do you want to go back to the hotel?” Mandy looked concerned.

“No. No. I want to finish this out. I want to experience it all before I go back into my shell.”

Mandy patted her hand. “I honestly think you enjoy it in there. It’s quiet and safe, just the way you like it.”

Alice felt giddy. “Mandy, thank you for coming with me. This is so amazing. I never imagined I could enjoy anything so much.”

They sat at an outdoor table, eating burgers and fries.

Mandy squirted ketchup on her plate and said, “Aunt Alice, haven’t you ever had fun before?”

Alice paused, her soda midway to her mouth. “I know it sounds weird Mandy, but no, not really. I guess I did when I was a kid. But when I was a teenager, I started having these terrible panic attacks and I was depressed all the time. Back then there weren’t drugs like there are now.”

“But aren’t you taking something now for it?”

Alice nibbled a french fry. “I’ve tried everything. A few things have kind of worked, but nothing’s really made me feel good. Then my doctor gave me the magic pill. It will make me feel completely normal for eight hours. But then I might crash and burn. I told him it would be well worth it, just to be free of my usual self for eight hours.”

Mandy looked horrified. “Crash and burn? What does that mean exactly?”

“Well, I might go into a deep depression and never come out. I’m willing to pay that price. I want to feel alive for just one day.”

Mandy smiled at her aunt. “Well, I’m glad you feel happy, Aunt Alice. Hopefully you won’t crash and burn.” She paused a beat, then said, “Frankly, I was surprised that you would want to come here. You seem to enjoy your peace and quiet.”

Alice smiled. “I do, that’s true. This is really different from my normal day.” She looked around at the swarms of people passing by and felt a slight misgiving. It wasn’t anxiety exactly, but she frowned slightly. “I don’t like crowds. And the noise….”. She made a face. “I’d rather sit and read in the garden. But other people are always telling me I need to get out more.”

Alice placed her hand on her aunt’s tanned face. “Auntie, they’re extroverts. You’re an introvert. It’s okay just to be who you are.”

Alice gave one curt nod. “There’s time for that tomorrow. And the rest of my life. Let’s go.”

Alice felt like she’d been caught up in a whirlwind. They rode everything, through tunnels, over mountains, under water and through the enormous sky. She was in love with life! They flew up and down, but after another hour, she began to feel bombarded by colors and sounds. It was too loud, too bright, too fast. Is this the way others experienced the world every day? How did she make it slow down? How could she enjoy anything when it was going by in a blur?

Alice felt herself flagging, but she wasn’t going to waste a second. She realized she was dragging along to each ride, wanting the day to end, wanting to crawl into bed and drink some tea.

Her screams on the roller coaster felt more unpleasant than before. The sudden drops gave her a panicky feeling, not like her usual anxiety, but something different, a more primal fear. The screams of the crowd echoed in her head; the noise of the rides and machinery pounded in her temples.

As she trudged from one ride to the next, Mandy asked, “Are you sure you’re alright? We could leave now.”

Alice shook her head resolutely. “Not on your life. I’m not giving up until the magic is gone.”

Yet, the afternoon seemed to give her increasingly less joy.

The darkness of caverns made her long for her bright kitchen. She began to feel overwhelmed. Maybe Mandy was right. Maybe this wasn’t her world. Maybe she didn’t belong here. Maybe she was just meant to be who she was. But not now. Now she was going to enjoy herself and give herself a lifetime of memories.

“Sometimes I wonder what I might have accomplished in life if I hadn’t been completely debilitated by depression and anxiety.” Alice sighed deeply, her brown eyes brimming with tears.

Mandy stopped short. She had never considered that her aunt might have had big dreams. “I thought you stayed at your job because you liked it.”

Alice laughed a short bark. “Like it? Doing the same thing every day for forty years? Not exactly anyone’s dream job. I’m a low-level secretary sitting in the corner, bored to death, earning barely enough to survive on. I’m sixty-three years old and I live alone. I’ve never been married or had a real boyfriend. I have no kids, nothing. I have nothing to show for six decades of living. And at my age, I don’t have hope for the future. What might have been my best years are all behind me.”

“I had no idea. Why didn’t you do something else?”

“Same old story Mandy. Depression left me with no energy; anxiety made it too difficult to find a new job. They leave you with such low self-esteem, you feel like you can’t do anything. I can manage to get myself to the same old job, but new things terrify me.”

“That’s terrible. I’m so sorry.”

“That’s why I traded it all for some magic beans. Just this one day. It’s all I have.”

Mandy took her hand. “You just let me know how things are going, okay? If you need to slow down or take a break. You have a slower pace than most people. There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s just who you are.”

It was too much. She knew it was, but she couldn’t stop. She had to live her entire life in one single day and she had to live it to its fullest.

As the day was drawing to a close, she felt her head might explode. It was so full of swirling colors, screaming voices, roaring rides and jarring movements. Her body felt ready to break apart at the joints, her brain swirled in disbelief. How did people do this every day? How could they live with all the brightness and noise?

The sun was still high in the sky when she pulled Mandy away from the rides. “Are you okay, Auntie? Are you feeling alright?”

“Let’s go back to the hotel,” Alice said quietly.

“Are you crashing? Do we need to hurry?” Mandy looked concerned.

“You know what, Mandy? I would just like to relax by the pool for awhile. Maybe splash around a bit in the water, or drink a silly, fruity drink and read a book. Would that be okay with you?”

“It sounds like a perfect way to end the day.” She gave her Aunt a quick peck on the cheek. “Let’s go.”

They worked their way slowly back to the hotel. In the silence of their room, Alice could still hear the screams of excitement and the music of the rides echoing in her head.

It might take her years to settle her jangled nerves and feel quiet inside again. She changed into her bathing suit and headed for the pool.

I’m an introvert, she said quietly to no one but herself, and I really don’t need all this craziness.

She dove under the water and reveled in the stillness.