Goodbye Pain, Hello Healing

In order to move forward into 2021, I have to reflect on all the life altering events I've experienced recently. This past year and a half has shaped me into someone I don't totally recognize. Vauge vocabulary is how I choose to describe who I am becoming because if there's anything I take away from 2020 is that new challanges and decision making is always right around the corner. And that at those critical moments, you can lose your self with a simple yes or no. I hadn't realized I was looking at each day with a light and dark attitude until this new year. It's been as if I am the Earth, forever rotating towards and away from the sun. Both nightfall and daylight equally appealing. Wanting to choose to heal but feeling too sick to step up. So in order to truly give myself a fresh start, away from this internal love-hate relationship, I have to go back to when my life really started to change.

It was October 28th, 2019 when I got pregnant. It was a random night after work when I wanted to meet up with my sister and a coworker. Typical drink after a long day of work and fresh heartache. My ex and I broke off a two and a half year relationship and I needed to blow off some steam. The three of us drank and laughed and shared my grief. Nathan was someone I felt I could trust and be honest with. One thing led to another and three weeks later I took a pregnancy test. Then another and another. All I remember is hearing my heart beat and my eyes going blank. I walked to my sisters room with shaking hands to show her the little blue plus sign. I was twenty-one at the time, completely terrified and in absolute shock. As any girl who just celebrated their twenty-first a month ago would be. I was staring at a decision that would change the entire course of my life. I was spinning on my axis as fast I couldn't tell if it was night or day.

During this time, my main support was my sister who told me my baby would have two moms since the father told me he would have no part in it's life. There was something about the way he said that to my face that was excruciating yet freeing. But what was downright painful was when my supposed best friend said I would be trash for the rest of my life if I kept it. So, there I was pregnant, alone, with a heart broken in so many ways it felt like my chest was on fire. I turned to my ex for help. I missed him so much and in the short time I was away from him my life was ruined it felt like. I knew I would regret it.

December 17th, 2019 was the worst day of my existance. My sister waited in the clinic with me for five hours and held my hand during the operation. All I remember is immense pain, hot tears rolling past my ears and staring up at a picture on the ceiling. As if a picture of trees and clouds was supposed to make me feel better about my choice. This is when my depression and anxiety really took over. I had no idea how I was going to cope or how to begin moving on. This is simply something that no one will understand until they have first hand expirience with. Loosing my baby will forever be a sadness inside me.

I didn't have an easy upbringing as so many of us do not. But I was always aware at a young age that everyone struggles in some shape or form. I grew up with a large, blended family and we always scrapped by to make ends meet. Because of this way of life and my hyper empathic observations, I developed a mentality that makes it extremely hard to express my own internal struggles. There must be bigger issues to deal with than my unpleasant feelings, right? So after my abortion, it felt like there was a perminent raincloud over my head that no one saw or could begin to understand. And ever though I knew Jason and I weren't good for each other, I asked him to move in with me. I ran right back into his arms to hide my ugly face in his comfort. Although unprotected sex is entirely irrisponsible, it was this decision I regret most. I knew deep down I was being selfish and untrue about my feelings and intentions. But on the surface he was someone I truly admired and loved being around. He made me laugh and have a more positive look at life. A part of me convinced the rest of me that since we were so compatible and saw the best parts in one another that we could learn to make it work. That, in fact, the clear personality differences were bad habbits. But with each passing day I only grew to have a starless sky. I was slowly realizing I wanted so much more for myself and at this point I could barely manage personal hygiene. I had never coped. The depression never lifted. I had never healed but only made it worse by dragging him back into my mental health mess. So we said our heart breaking goodbye and he left again. Absolute rock bottom.

Quarantine was in full effect and so was my unemployment in the summer of 2020. All I had was time on my hands and for this I was actually grateful. I mourned for what felt like weeks then finally I said enough was enough. Things turned for the better when I decided to just have some fun with my delinquent friends. While everyone was financially struggling and afriad of what the virus might bring, that was the most incomprarable summer of our lives. Even without concerts. Deepening relationships with friends was so rewarding and a breath of fresh air. The light was shining through again.

Encapsulating all the ups and downs I've gone through on paper is enlightening. The tribulations I overcame is reason enough to be extremly proud of myself. I know now how important it is to give myself credit for doing the best I could with the knowledge and experience I had at the time. So to truly give myself this fresh start with the new year, I have to be more forgiving of my mistakes and more pleased with my sucesses. That is why my wellness resolution for this year will be centered around balance and forgiveness. Without giving myself time to decompress, I stray away from my authentic self. This concept for me quickly turns into a snow ball effect of unfulfillment. Wallowing in self pitty is just as bad as raging with friends too many nights in a row for me. A big lesson I've learned is knowing when to identify what my body has had enough of and when its time to move on. I've already recieved professonal help to balance out my mind as well. Jumping over the unforgiving mindset was the biggest milestone so far. I knew I could not continue with the cycle of not speaking my mind when I get hurt and never asking for help. If I can recognize that everyone struggles then I have to accept that everyone, including myself, needs help from others. That is why I am not even a little ashamed that I take an anti-depressant every morning. Because until now, it felt as if I've been driving through a dark smog with one headlight out. A mist that never allowed me to see what was to come or what I'd left behind. Now suddenly it's clear and I can see what's to offer.

Decisions of the furute no longer center completely around fear of the unknown rather excitment of change for the better. There will still be good and bad days but I will always keep forgiveness in the front of my mind. My furture of wellness is quiet simple really; do the things I love when I want, clean my apartment when it needs cleaning, work with money in mind, and have fun with friends all while listening to my body's needs. I will simply allow myself to rise and fall with love and appreciation of the sunshine and moonlight.