Goodbye Letter

I lived in Ontario in a very toxic environment. A dark cloud constantly loomed over my family’s house. I never felt loved growing up and it has affected my relationships today with my immediate family. After being emotionally abused basically my entire life, I created a noose in my closet September of 2018. I really could not live anymore and I so badly wanted all the pain to be gone. I couldn’t deal with life every day anymore. It was so exhausting and far too difficult. I wasn’t even living my life; I was just existing. I didn’t see the point of staying anymore.

I’ve always lived a life different than others and different from my siblings and that’s always made me an outcast. A mistfit. I never felt like I belonged. I lost all my friends and all I had left my was dying dog.

Once my dog died October of 2018, I thought of that noose. I thought of joining her on the other side. She was my best friend… my only friend. I knew I was in trouble if I didn’t get out of that house of horrors. I needed to make a change or I’d do something I know I'd regret when five seconds of life are left while I dangle and it’s too late to go back.

Luckily, what kept me going for a couple more months was the fact that I still had to write my memoir. I could not leave (I cannot leave) this world without my story told. And, a couple weeks after Lola died, my parents bought a new beagle puppy. It instilled joy from the depths of my soul that had been buried by so much negativity. I still felt like I was drowning, but this time, I found a bit more energy to keep me treading above the water a little longer.

It’s a cliche quote, but you know the one that goes, “if a flower doesn’t bloom, fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower”? Well, I figured that’s exactly what I needed to do. No one wanted me in that house. I had no friends. I felt so unwanted. A burden. I had a lot of healing and growing to do but it couldn’t be done in that house — or in Ontario for that matter.

So I spontaneously booked a flight to British Columbia. The last place I truly remember feeling inner happiness and peace was years ago when I lived in coastal BC. I had nothing to lose; I had already lost everything. I had no ties left to Ontario, either. Lola died, I didn’t have a boyfriend or a job that required my presence. If I wanted to heal and if I wanted my family to be a family again, I knew I had to remove myself from that environment. It was time to grow.

I didn’t tell anybody I was leaving and the day of my flight left a letter on my bedroom floor and flew across the country. None of my family knew I was leaving. The longer I stayed, the more at risk I was of killing myself... I had no option. Here is me reading you the letter I left my parents.

*I wear a mask when I share my stories because they are personal and I wish to remain anonymous*

Thank you for watching/listening ♡

Love & light,

KJ