Psyche logo

Good Ryan, Bad Ryan, New Ryan

My Process of Mental Health Rediscovery

By Ryan AndertonPublished 5 years ago 7 min read
Like
Ryan Anderton cycled around Britain for mind.

As a survivor of depression and suicide, I can now openly and honestly say that "some" of my past behaviours and actions manifested from not being happy with myself.

I felt like a disappointment and that bred an attitude of self-hatred, which in turn led to a complete lack of self-worth and self-protection that resulted in my brain and body being depressed and suicidal.

Because I didn't love myself, I didn't believe that anyone else would love me, and because I didn't even like myself, I never allowed myself to truly develop a "real personality."

I was always seeking approval and attention that would boost my self-esteem.

To start with, this came through achieving good grades at school, being top sales person at work, man of the match playing football, or the lad that always got the girl, I found ways to boost my self-confidence through others instead of gaining any satisfaction.

This positive attention whilst part of a group environment got me through, but it was always a temporary thing, because in the end, you can't keep up a lie and that's what my life was. I was lying to myself and others in an effort to be happy.

The problem with that is I wasn't developing my personality, career, or my life in general. I was flitting from one job to another, looking for the next seal of approval, from relationship to relationship, hoping to find someone to make me happy, and from one friendship group to another without ever really allowing myself to have friends.

As I then entered "adulthood" and my "friends" settled down, moved away, I moved away, etc., I found myself with fewer and fewer people around me to increase my lowly self-worthiness, and then when my mum died when I was 25, I felt even more alone, more isolated, more depressed, and yet, unable to grieve because I hadn't learnt how to talk about things honestly. I didn't know who "me" was, so I often ran away in efforts to discover me.

Obviously, that doesn't work because I was just dragging the old me somewhere else and never changing my approval-seeking behaviour.

So then one day I realised what I was doing—well, in fact, I was told over and over, but after previously shrugging it off, it hit me and hit me hard.

My me was nobody, non-existent, and I spiralled into depression. I turned to drinking even more than I had before. This got me into trouble time and time again as I began to border on addiction, and the self-hatred grew and grew inside me until I broke and suicide became a mental obsession. It felt like the only way away from me, and the only way that I could take myself away from the people I was hurting, pushing away and destroying in the process. I didn't want help. I wanted to be alone and yet a glimmer of me still searched for approval. This is what I contribute to the failed suicide attempts, the glimmer.

And yet, in depression and suicide in a completely negative way, I found that people showed me compassion, (sorry) sympathy, and that provides my glimmer with its unit of love that it needed.

This however doesn't last forever either, soon I was needing more, the self-destructive pattern would then action itself and I would again, and again spiral out of control.

I've always looked at this like a "good" and "bad" Ryan. Good Ryan was seeking love and attention and when he was helpful, polite, charming, ultimately a YES man that would do anything for anyone.

"Bad Ryan" simply didn't care about himself, and whilst this often portrayed itself as not caring about others it was simply that I felt worthless and that everyone around me was better off without me and I justified that in every way possible until the suicidal thoughts took over yet again.

But we then come to the glimmer of hope again, people come out of the woodwork to save a life, people support you, rally around, and provide the attention that is craved when you have such little self-worth.

After standing on a train track in February 2018 I realised that if I allowed this cycle to carry on the one person that I genuinely loved and cared for, my son, would have no father.

I thought about how that would affect him.

Would he think that I didn't care about him enough to live for him? Would he think that suicide was the answer when things got too tough for him? What message was I sending to my little boy?

And at that point I had to have a real hard look at myself. I had to think about who it was that I wanted to be so that I was providing my son with a role model. What did I truly enjoy doing when I was really happy, what made me well, what skills, abilities, positive parts of my fragmented personality could I keep and what did I need to lose.

It was the most difficult thing I had ever done but it was then that I came up with the Recycle Yourself idea.

From the above you might have picked out that I have experienced negative reactions which resulted in depression, suicide, alcohol addiction, failed relationships, lack of a support network, trouble with family and the law, and I didn't want any of those things to be a part of my future or my son's, so I left them on the train track. It was as simple as that. I didn't want them any more so they became disposable.

Don't get me wrong though, I still get depressed, I still have suicidal thoughts, but I control them now through better understand and use of my well-being tools.

The things I did want were better relationships with my family, my real friends and my son, less reliance on alcohol, something I could occupy my mind with that would give me self-recognition and approval and ultimately to be happy without other peoples opinions of me affecting my self-worth.

The activity to provide my own source of self-esteem was cycling.

Just a few months earlier I completed LEJOG but this was a funny one to decipher because I did the ride for charity and got lots of praise for doing it but the real satisfaction came from never giving up through what was quite an adversity filled eight days. The feeling of accomplishment, the self-realisation that I did that. Nobody cycled for me, nobody got me up that hill, through all those miles, off the ground when I fell off. Cycle was what I needed for me to love me.

So, in March 2018 I cycled, I cycled a lot, but I also started speaking openly about how great it made me feel and also about how crap I had felt before.

I did a WRAP course that put my new life plan in to writing so that I could look at it everyday to remind myself of what Bad Ryan was, what Good Ryan was and how New Ryan was going to be. It set out my wellness tools, triggers, crisis signs, life goals, etc., and I learnt to understand what made me a happy me.

A year on from that life-changing moment my life is unrecognisable to that horrible yet life affirming day.

My goal of making my son proud of me and in providing him with a role model is still active, how I'm doing that in terms of cycling thousands of miles for charity wasn't part of the plan, becoming a cycling advocate, mental health campaigner, speaker, blogger (whatever I have become) wasn't part of the plan and neither was finding my girlfriend, but then I've started to look at life as a series of events that just might be almost pre-planned and to go with it and see what happens.

Maybe this was the way my life was suppose to pan out and my own intervention wasn't my choice but timed to be that way so that. I am doing what I am doing with the people that are around me now because without following its course I wouldn't be in the position I am in today.

To be fair, I don't know where my life will take me but I am now optimistic about it, I'm happy being me, I'm motivated to help others by sharing my story and hopefully, well I know I have, but by inspiring others that relate to me to look at themselves, see the improvements they want to make, to be honest about their weaknesses and their dreams I hope that others will Recycle Themselves, find real well being and happiness and not suffer the self-torment that I have put myself and my loved ones through.

Life is for living everyone and only by loving yourself can you fully enjoy it so why wait? GO FOR IT.

Follow the Recycle Yourself Campaign on social media at:

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram

Or visit the website.

recovery
Like

About the Creator

Ryan Anderton

Founder of Recycle Yourself #recycleyourself

Mental Health Campaigner

Charity Cyclist

Alientared Father

www.justgiving.com/fundraising/ryanridesaroundbritain

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.