Get Inside My Head

by Nicole McClure 2 months ago in depression

My Story of Being A New Mom Battling Depression

Get Inside My Head

Depression.

The elephant in the room.

The one thing people don't want to talk about.

The "taboo" subject for a lot of people.

Well, that's the biggest problem we have in this world. Nobody wants to talk about it. Everyone acts like it's this thing where people are crazy and need to go into a mental institution.

No. That is not depression.

Depression is not what you see on the outside, but what is going on inside (the mind). Depression lies beneath the surface. The hopelessness, emptiness, deadness, fear, rejection. The things you can't get rid of in your head. The voices that tell you how worthless you are, how you aren't good enough. Depression is the thing that eats away at every last happy/joyous feeling you have in your body.

So that's where I'm at. After a not so great childhood, here I am. Depressed, anxiety ridden, and doing my best just to get by. People don't understand what a daily struggle it is to keep myself alive. I have tried medication, but it makes it worse. I had to find my own way to cope. My way of coping is through my animals. My animals really help me with my depression. I love them, they're always happy to see me. They make me feel wanted and useful.

Now humans on the otherhand, they don't. Especially doing this mom thing. I had a baby a few months ago, and everything has been a struggle since.

It all started a few months before birth. Post Partum Depression reared its ugly head, and it all went down hill from there. I cannot explain the things that went through my head. The harsh reality of having a baby really hit. Yes we wanted this baby, we were trying really hard to have her. The thought of it back then was happy and fun. Then the reality really set it. New baby, new life. Things were never going to be the same. I had to conform my life to fit hers, I had to make my life work for her. And that just hit me the wrong way. I spent endless nights crying myself to sleep, wishing I had made a different decision. Wishing I had thought this all through months before hand. But there was no turning back. I knew everything would be different, but I was afraid. Like many new moms I was so afraid of everything. I was tired of people chiming in, telling me what I would and wouldn't do. What I would and wouldn't miss about pregnancy. Nope, none of it. I miss non of it. That was the worst 9 months of my life. Vomiting, hurting, insomnia. I absolutely don't miss any of it. I hated being pregnant.

Then came the baby... The first time she tried to come, she tried to come 6 weeks early. That was a shock to my systems. Shots everywhere, 3 nights in the hospital. People constantly calling us, wanting to know what was going on, and honestly I just wanted to be left alone. I wanted to be in my own head space. I wanted to be left alone. My life was crashing down in front of me and I wasn't ready for any of it. I was crying in the hopsital telling him (Ty) I wasn't ready for all of this. It was hard enough knowing that the baby might come, I was already feeling unprepared. Knowing it was 6 weeks earlier than anyone had planned, made it that much worse. Will she be okay, will I be okay. I'm not ready for parenthood yet, I probably never will be. Our nursery wasn't even finished yet. I was freaking out. We got everything stopped and she held on for a few more weeks and still ended up coming 10 days early.

During those few weeks I was put on bedrest and wasn't allowed to do anything. Right after I got out of the hospital I wasn't even allowed to walk. I was literally suppose to lay in bed all day. I live on a small farm and that isn't what I do. I have over 70 animals, I don't have time to be laying around all day long doing nothing. That being said, I did what the doctor told me for the sake of our baby. Talk about feeling worthless, worthless was an understatement. Having to have Ty do all of the chores for all of the animals that I wanted was the worst. I couldn't do that, wasn't suppose to clean, wasn't suppose to walk around. It sucked. That made everything that much worse. I was so depressed after a few days of it, that's all I could do was sleep. I didn't want any part of anything. It was horrible.

I stayed on bedrest until I reached week 37, then I was allowed to go back to work. So I went right back to work, shortly after that she made her apperance.

Then the dreaded moment came when I had her. I knew how I was going to feel. Everyone pushed and pushed on me that I wouldn't feel that way. I'd have this overjoyed feeling of love when I saw her face. I was, of course, right about myself. The feeling wasn't there. I didn't feel anything. No love, no attachment, nothing. It was the most defeating feeling in the world. Not to love my own baby. I felt so worthless, I was just done with it all together. It took 2 full months for me to get that "mommy" feeling. Now I feel so much more close to my baby and I love her with all my heart. The fact of the matter is, I still just don't feel how I should.

Being mom is so much harder than I thought, and I knew it would be hard to start with. I feel so defeated almost all of the time. I hate it. I don't ever feel like I am doing enough, I never feel like I am good enough. Nothing ever seems to just work the way it should, nothing ever falls into place like I feel like it should. Every stepping stones just gets overshadowed but doubt, fear, or rejection. I just never feel like I am good enough for me, my baby, or my family. I am just a walking time bomb, ready to blow. My house is never clean anymore, and when I do get it clean it's dirty the next day. I can't get my soap making figured out. I suck at making sure Ty has lunch for work and dinner when he gets home. I suck at checking on him and making sure he is doing okay mentally too. I suck at most things that moms are suppose to be good at. I wish it was like it is in the movies, but it's not. I'm not a great wife, I'm not a great mom. I am trying. I am trying like hell to improve myself, but somedays all I can do is take care of our little girl and cry. Cry about my pathetic attempt at being a great wife. Cry at my attempt to be a great mom. Cry about how I got nothing done because I slept all day. I have never felt so vulnerable and defeated in my life. It is so hard to have these things happen day, after day, after day. Time and time again, and I am still failing at life. I just can't get any of it right.

All of this emotion has taken a toll on me lately. I feel like I am not even here most days. I'm here physically, but my mind is just somewhere else. With all of the what-ifs and what could have beens. I'm not me anymore, but I am trying so hard to be. I'm not who I want to be, but I am trying so hard to get there. I am trying so hard not to be weak, but I break down more times a day than I can even count.

Nobody sees this. Nobody knows what I go through on a daily basis. I prefer it that way, people don't need to give me sympathy. I don't want it, I don't need it. That's why I put on a happy face and hide my demons. I act like nothing is wrong so people don't try and act like they feel sorry for me, because most of them probably don't.

I write articles like this to help others with the same problems. I want more people suffering like I am to vent. Get it off your chest. Reach out, sometimes it's easier to talk to people you don't know than those who you are close to. It helps you not feel judged and criticized.

It is so hard to talk about depression. It is something people don't truly understand until you have experienced it first hand. I wish that upon no one. I don't wish this burden on the worst of people. Depression's relentless pull at every little gleam of hope you have defeats you every single time. So please, talk about it. Vent about it. Write about it if you have to. I hate talking about my emotions, so I turn to my computer. I can very easily type things out and post them for people to read. I am better behind the keyboard than in person. When I talk about personal things like this I tend to break down and cry, and I don't like when people see that side of me. That weakness is something I don't want people to see, and most never do.

If you're dealing with this on going battle, you're not alone.

Don't be afraid to talk about it, we lose more people than we ever should to this monster, don't let it be you.

depression
Nicole McClure
Nicole McClure
Read next: Never In the Cover of Night
Nicole McClure

My fiancé, daughter, and I live on a 40 acre farm in northern WY, which we call Pond Farm. We also live with 1 indoor cat, 5 barn cats, 1 dog, 28 goats, somewhere around 60-70 chickens.

See all posts by Nicole McClure