When I was younger, I never thought I'd be able to look back and be thankful for all that happened to me. That I would be able to crawl my way out of the darkness that consumed my soul ever since I can recall. My very first memories were all of the abuse and neglect I suffered. My drunken father, who only saw me as a servant to bring him more beer, traumatized me in ways that still cause me problems to this day. My mother, she had to take care of the financial situation, so she was always at work and was blind to the things I had to go through in my life. Mostly because she chose not to see it, her struggles have always been heavy on her shoulders, so I don't really blame her.
They weren't my only abusers though, my life has been filled with many people that have caused trauma to me. I was bullied in school, everywhere I've worked, everywhere I've lived even. These things have fed heavily into negative self talk, and self-destructive behaviors. They have also been factors in mental health issues such as anxiety and depression. However, these days I tend to think of everything that happened in a positive light.
With everything I've lived through, I have had to teach myself most of the behaviors and social aspects that I use to interact with the world around me. I've done this by basically just observing the world around me at all times. When coupled with a deep interest in psychology and a desire to know why people act the way they do, it has allowed me deep insight into people. So much so that I have freaked some people out by telling them their exact thoughts if I know them and watch them for a while.
However, it wasn't until much later in life that I was able to see things so positively. A lot of things had to happen, a lot of pain and a lot of failures. When I was about 26 is when everything changed. I was so tired of struggling with all the problems I had, the inability to connect with people, keep a job, have people I could rely on. It came to a point where I had nothing and I didn't know what to do. I had lost everything I worked so hard to achieve at that point, I was homeless, jobless, my girlfriend that I loved had left me, my family didn't care about my problems, and I was battling with the law 9 years into a 10-year probation sentence. Nothing was there to tell me to keep fighting, it would get better.
So what did I do? I tried to run. That isn't such an easy thing to do when what you're running from is your own life. It doesn't just go away. Not if you aren't supposed to leave this world yet. I didn't care though, I tried to kill myself. The pain was too much. I was sitting alone, outside, in a tent someone had let me use. No food, no money, no one I could talk to about what I was going through. Well, I won't talk about what I did to myself, but just know I woke up the next morning, kind of surprised that I was waking up, covered in my own blood.
Unfortunately, it didn't fix anything or open my eyes right away either. I kept doing the same things, completely insane, struggling, trying to figure out why I was here and what I was supposed to do. I was a lost cause, but I knew I had to figure out something. I got locked up, and finished off the issues I had with the law. The time I spent there, I did nothing but think, write, and search my soul for what it was that I was here for. When I finally started to climb out of that darkness, I started to realize something very important. When I had wanted to die, I didn't. There HAD to be a reason for that.
It's been years since those days now, I still struggle sometimes. Wondering where I'm at, and how to reach my goals, but I know now that I am here for a reason. To make a difference. I'm here to change lives, to help others to avoid having to feel the pain I went through. To let others know they are not alone, and never will be, even if it's tough at the time. I've spent a good majority of my life giving. Whatever it is, my time, my energy, my money, my friendship, my love. Anytime I see someone in need. I can honestly be without anything, I've been there. I still came out alive, barely, but I made it. If I had support in those times it would have made a world of difference, so I never want anyone to have to go through those kinds of things alone if I am able to help it. Knowing that I'm able and willing to change someone's life for the better like that is about the only reason I'm able to get up out of bed sometimes. But I couldn't be happier these days. Strong in mind, body, and spirit. I still have to fight off the negative things that come my way, but I've equipped myself heavily with the knowledge and skills needed to do so.
I wrote this originally for a scholarship that I applied for, I did however edit some of it for this version. I liked the little short story so much, and felt that if sharing my past, even this little piece of it that is here, could help anyone see that there is hope, then I needed to share it. For all of those out there that struggle with depression, or anything really, I want you to know that there is a way. You CAN find happiness.
I went from hating my life, being unable to obtain happiness, having no future ahead of me because I had no support or skills or knowledge to fix the problems I had, and I turned it around. I've worked hard to get to where I am, but I own my own house, I'm working on a few different business ventures, most notably one in holistic healing, and I have something worth living for. That's the biggest thing I think, finding what my life purpose was and how to obtain it. Helping others, by listening, talking, and sharing methods that helped me in my life. I now wake up every day of my life excited to start doing what I do best. And I never thought I could ever have that for myself.