Psyche logo

From Hate to Hope

A Mental Health Journey

By Michelle StandridgePublished 2 years ago 3 min read
Like
From Hate to Hope
Photo by Mattia Ascenzo on Unsplash

Dear Mom,

I know you think you know everything about me. You can pick me out of a crowd at the drop of a hat. You know what music I listen to and what TV shows I watch. You know all of my pet peeves and all my passions. You've watched me grow from an infant into a woman and you have loved and supported me every step of the way.

I love and appreciate you so much, but there's something I've been too ashamed to admit to you. There's no easy way to say this, but I have very little hope that I will amount to anything. I don't think I'm special, in fact, I think I'm garbage. I hate myself with a passion and it's slowly eating me from the inside out.

For years, I've put on a brave face, a fake smile, a mask. I've tried not to feel this way, but I can't understand how you or anyone else could ever love me. I'm too quiet, too childish and too selfish. Sometimes, I can't focus on anything other than the fact that I'm inherently terrible. There's something fundamentally wrong with me, it's in my core. I can feel it.

I know exactly what you'd say. You'd tell me that I'm being too hard on myself. You'd tell me that I'm worth more than anything in this world and that I just can't see it because I'm too close to see the big picture. I've thought about this a lot and I can tell you that you're right.

I know I'm not actual garbage, but there's still this voice in my head screaming insults at me with every move I make. I've become so wracked with indecision because no matter what choice I make, I believe it's the wrong one. Of course, doing nothing is also a choice, so there's no way to get the screaming to stop. I feel like there's nothing I can do.

I don't know why I feel this way. I feel so guilty for having these thoughts and emotions. You and dad have given me such a good life, full of love and laughter. I have no right to feel the way I feel. So many people have had it worse. I know comparing myself to others only leads to heartache, but I don't know how to stop. I see everyone I've gone to school with grow up and make lives of their own. Meanwhile, I'm hanging on by a thread, hoping it doesn't snap and leave me falling into the abyss.

I've started going to therapy. It was the only hope I saw. I felt so weak going into my first appointment. It's gotten a bit better over time, but I'm still filled with anxiety and trepidation. I've learned that therapy is hard work and if I want to move forward, I have to want to improve. Only I have the power to make my life better.

I don't know what the future holds, and I'm trying to be okay with that. I have a long way to go before I come to a better place, but I think I can make it. I'm starting to have hope, though it's still not much. Sometimes in life, it's the little things that matter most. I learned that from you. So, I'm holding onto my little ray of hope.

Thank you so much for everything you've ever done for me. It's only because of you that I have the strength to move forward. There's not a day that goes by where I don't think of you and everything you've taught me. I've come to realize that I can't completely hate myself when so much of who I am comes from you.

I love you,

Michelle

anxiety
Like

About the Creator

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.