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From Anxiety & Fear to Shining & Vibing!

Trauma affects us in different ways. Crippling anxiety, fear, and forgetting what makes us happy can cut off our ability to live fully and happily. This is my story on healing.

By Rachel BullardPublished 3 years ago 6 min read
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I was under this overpass and the sounds of the cars passing over reminded me of my child hood. My parents would always take me to the park when I was little. We would go on walks and be outside together. I learned to ride my bike there. It was a very nostalgic moment. It was a happy memory.

I was free to express myself, at least that I can remember. It was safe for me to be creative and to play and have fun. I had a playroom under the stairs that my mom turned into my own world. I’d go in there and play for hours or go swim and fall asleep outside in the sun.

From new toys, paint, coloring books, cartoons, playing Barbie's to laying in the sun, getting fresh air and riding bikes, I was free to be me and be a kid.

Then at some point, it wasn’t safe anymore. My parents got together, my mother became more stressed and angry, trying to adjust to a new marriage. She was juggling raising 4 kids, managing our household, building my parents company, and dealing with the ups and downs of a new relationship. My parents started making a lot more money and that’s when everything changed.

I went in private school. My dad got diagnosed with Hepatitis C, which back then there was not a pill for. My dad bought this really expensive house that my mom hated. My mom was angry a lot. I remember dropping a glass of milk or something and having a melt down because I felt so bad about it. That was my trauma showing.

I remember being sick and throwing up in the night and going to get my mom and her telling me, like why did you wake me up? Go clean it up. It hurt me deep inside.

I remember when I first expressed to my mother that I had started masturbating. She shamed me. “Well if you want to be disgusting, that’s your choice.”

It was evident that my mom was angry. She was angry she couldn’t control everything and that everything wasn't perfect. She was busy trying to save my dad's life and run a household. Her overcompensating and personality disorder didn’t leave any room for nurturing a child.

I learned that it wasn’t safe to be myself, open up, or express myself to my mother. I was reminded of this again and again each time as I would open up, as children do. Each time I was met with judgement, shame, negligence, or ridicule.

This made me realize that I’ve equated having money with not being nurtured. Because once my parents started making more money, I was given gifts and items instead of being given the emotional nurturing I so deeply needed.

As an adult, this has made it difficult for me to have balance in my life and maintain stability. I became an over anxious, insecure, people pleasing, over-doing girl. I was constantly tense and always trying to outdo myself. I still probably do the latter, I allow myself that guilty pleasure but I don’t push it constantly.

As an adult, I stopped playing, I stopped having fun, and my walls were definitely much too tall for anyone to climb. My view was that the world was not a safe place and I didn’t know if I would ever truly be okay or be able to take care of myself. I was terrified of everything. I laid awake many nights unable to sleep just for the fear that it was night time and what if something bad happens?

See, that’s what trauma does to you. I was always waiting for something bad to happen, because nothing was ever good enough in my world anyways. It didn’t matter how hard I tried or if I tried my best, it would never be good enough. I learned that I wasn’t enough.

I had to heal these aspects of myself that I didn’t want to carry anymore. I didn’t want the burden of carrying these in my bullshit bag and I damn sure didn’t want to pass them on to my future children.

I had to unlearn everything I thought I knew in my life and heal from what I was taught and the tools I had been given. Then I had to decide what I wanted and create that foundation.

Today, I am stable. I am safe. I am secure. I am financially sound. It is okay for me to trust others. Others show up for me when I need them. It’s not necessary for me to do everything by myself. Not everything must be completed in one day. I count on others to help me. I accept assistance. I easily receive help. I am abundant. I live my life fully. I’m happy. I’m settled. I have fun. I am nurturing. I have the skills to self soothe and nurture myself and I use them.

Today, I play. I let my inner child come out and explore the world and things I haven’t yet experienced, without a need to control every moment or aspect. I explore and play freely without constraint or judgement.

I am enough. I was always, am, and will always be enough. Whether I had a bad day, good day, I was tired, I needed a nap, a break, a coffee, or a cry, I did enough. It is not necessary for me to overcompensate or over work myself. What I do is enough. Who I am is enough. I accept myself as I am, fully, without constraint or judgement. I love and nurture myself daily.

I am abundant. I am financially free. I am debt free. I am wealthy. I have the ability to nurture myself more fully with more finances. More money means more play time and nurturing. The more money I have, the more I nurture myself. The more money I have, the more I freely express myself and create.

I let go of control. I let go of unhealthy patterns. I allow myself to be exactly as I am and love myself. It does not matter what the weight says on a scale, if I have or do not have wrinkles, if anyone else agrees or likes my thoughts my ideas or myself. What matters is that I am happy, healthy, am able to independently support myself financially, and live truthfully.

I challenge you to do the same. We no longer have to carry the burdens of what we learned, what we were taught, or how we were once treated. It is our responsibility as adults to heal our wounds, nurture our inner child and incorporate our shadow self instead of numbing out, staying stagnant, or shunning these parts of ourselves. It's not only important for ourselves, it is important for those around us and our children.

If we never grow, we pass on these tendencies to our children. That's not fair to them, and we want them to do and be better than we were. At least, that's my goal.

So, where can you begin today? Try something you've never done before, ask your inner child what he or she needs, and then make a point to actually do that thing!

recovery
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About the Creator

Rachel Bullard

I am a Dallas, TX based healer, channel for spirit, and psychic medium. I am into anything self help related, crystals, candles, and improving the quality of my life and others through healing trauma. Welcome to your Soul Sanctuary.

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