Friendships Strained

It has been over a year since the pandemic started and things are still not back to normal. Vaccinations have rolled out, however, I have yet to hang out with anyone. Much of this has to do with the fact that I have lost contact with so many of my friends due to a lack of interaction. You truly learn what friendship means when you can't see one another every day. When things started to go down I was working 70+ hours a week while most people were unemployed. My friends got to hang out on zoom and other video hosting platforms because they had a lot of time on their hands. I was unable to hang out with them and enjoy the face-to-face interactions. When I got home most days I just wanted to sleep. Most of my friends were still messaging me on Facebook, but they were living different lives than I was. I couldn't relate to them and vice versa. I didn't know what it was like to be bored out of my mind with nothing to do around my house as they did. I was considered lucky because I was still working. I didn't feel the same. I did appreciate having a full-time job, but I didn't care. I wanted a break, I wanted to live off of the unemployment benefits and stay home. I did not have that luxury. I was overworked in the health field and stressed out. When I talked to other people they were unsympathetic to my woes.

Many of my friends became overwhelmed with the emotions around the pandemic and began pulling away from online interactions. This made me feel even more isolated than ever. No longer did I have people to keep my mind off my stressful job because they didn't want to hear me complain about working when they could not even find a job. I had a group that was doing well until people began to turn on one another for making choices like visiting people and not following the CDC guidelines. I got into an argument with them online about how mental health had to take a backseat to physical health. I was accused of not understanding and being judgmental. I suppose I was. However, I struggled with my own mental health and I could not see their side of things. I had many friends who agreed with me, but the conflict alienated me from others I had been trying to connect with. Would those people forgive me now? I am not sure. Most of them were people I had not met before they had joined my group. I had friends that became upset with other things that happened which had nothing to do with the things I just mentioned, instead, I believe it was a long time coming and they were not truly my friends in the first place.

As more friends began to disappear my depression worsened. I reached out to them to chat, they would explain that they felt overwhelmed and I tried to be understanding. Yet, no one was seeing how it affected me. How could you? Unless someone posted all their troubles on social media we were unaware of how they were doing. I did not feel comfortable laying my troubles out on the internet because I don't see how it helps. Some of my friends were also simply into flirting and I was not. Those friendships fizzled quickly. I'm left now with no one to talk to on a daily basis, heck, not even weekly. I feel isolated and hated. Some of those feelings are due to the imposter syndrome that I suffer from, but some of them are real. What has happened to being there for your friends? Is it easier said than done because of 2020 or did we really not care in the first place and hid it behind words that were as lasting as snow on a warm day? I don't have any answers to these questions and I am not sure anyone else does either. I know I will feel better once we get back to socializing in person, but I don't know if I'll ever look at my friends like they are close to me and that hurts the most.